Oh MY GOSH

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2005
Oh MY GOSH
6
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 12:42am

Okay... I think I might be pretty premature in even bringing this up but it's on my mind and is probably not going to let me sleep (at least not for a while).

Dh went out to his parents house today and when he got home, he stopped by to see me at work real quick where he mentioned that my MIL brought up having us move into their home. They are elderly and rather sickly and need ALOT of help with keeping up the house (that situation is for another post and/or board). This was mentioned very casually and quickly as I was working but it left me thinking about it all evening and coming up with lots of pros and cons, the main one being that we don't always get along.

Dang, the baby's waking up. Any thoughts on what I've put down so far are welcome.

Vicki

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: sethndansmom
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 2:04pm
Hugs to you! I can imagine the panic, followed by a flurry of "whats going to happen" thoughts that must be going through your head. Its a huge responsiblity to take care of elderly parents and young children.
I guess I really do not have any helpful suggestions. Just remember that this is probably an incredibly emotional issue for your husband. When my Dad was sick, I felt like I had to help -- anyway I could. And at times, I resented my DH for being the voice of reason.
If your in-laws are sick or phyically incapacitated, I would look at getting outside help. My grandma lived with my aunt & uncle, but they a week still able to get a home health aide to come in a couple times a week. I think medicaid paid for it.
I hope you are feeling better today.
Sandra
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: sethndansmom
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 4:18pm

This is a tough situation. On one hand, you would be in a home, and your baby will get daily contact with your inlaws. Living expenses might be less if everyone is chipping on on the utilities and such. But....you say you don't always get along, and you've got a baby, and babies require a lot of care and attention. Are you going to end up stuck in a situation where your inlaws are mad because they feel you should be their live-in maid, cleaning their home and making it spotless, fixing all the meals, doing all the clean-up, all while caring for your child, your husband, AND possibly your inlaws since they're up in years? Will you end up hearing grief on how you raise your child if it differs from how they raised theirs? How about childproofing? Would they be willing to let you move furniture or keepsakes in order to make the home safer for your baby? This could be a tough situation down the road unless everyone is on the same page. Perhaps if it is brought up again, and your Dh and you are both interested, some things should be written down. What everyone's responsibilities will be in the home, what will be expected of everyone both in labor and money.

Good Luck! :-D

Pat

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
In reply to: sethndansmom
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 6:32pm

just my 2 cents....living with your in-laws is hard even when the relationship is good - much harder and with the possibility of long term problems in a relationship that is rocky now.

I like to say that a solid marriage is the best bargain - if I were you I would try to help your in-laws all you can, encourage hubby to do the same, but don't live with them -however financially tempting it seems to be.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: sethndansmom
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 7:08pm

I agree 100% with Walden. The worst time in my marriage thus far was when we lived in an apartment across the hall from my MIL. She would come in our apartment, look in our windows. We had no privacy and I seriously considered leaving. Now we don't have the best relationship as it is but like Walden said - if it's rocky now it could get a lot worse if you're living there. Your marriage is more important than any short term financial gains. Whatever you decide make sure you and DH are on the same page. And I agree that maybe you could find some outside help for your inlaws.

Good luck whatever you decide to do!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: sethndansmom
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 9:04am

IMHO - I take a different view.

It is very difficult to live with other people. It is a very emotional issue for your husband. I think that it's something that has to be discussed very carefully and only you and your husband can make the final decision. HUGS!!!!!

But if it were your parents what would you want to do? If it were you what would you want your kids to do? What kind of help, aid do they get?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: sethndansmom
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 9:16am

My DH, kids and I lived with my mom for about 1 1/2 years until just a couple of months ago. Financially it was a huge help. Unfortunately, my mom is not elderly, she is recently divorced and in the middle of a major mid-life crisis. There were very serious conflicts with the choices she was making versus the morals and values she taught me to have and things did not end well. We helped her sell her house and went our seperate ways. She used to be my best friend but the relationship is very strained now. Mainly because she is still making almost dangerous choices and wants nothing to do with her family. She has not seen my kids (her only grandkids) in almost 2 months. And honestly, I would not let them be alone with her.

It sounds like your in-laws are in a different life stage but how are they going to be on letting you raise your daughter. The one thing I will give my mom is she did not tell me how to raise my DD the entire time we were living there.