I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
I need advice
2
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 10:29am
My son is in the military in Iraq right now. He is getting married when he gets home in a few weeks. His fiancee' told me that her Dad gambles alot. Last year he sold their house and moved the family into a trailer. Their phone and cable had been turned off a few times because he did not pay the bill. When they moved he asked her if he could put the cable and phone bill in her name and he would pay her credit card bill for her. She allowed this and now he is not paying her credit card bill which is only $125. She got a collection notice yesterday. She does not work right now because she is getting ready to move out of state when she marries. And their cable has been shut off again, so now this is probably affecting her credit too. I don't want to get involved and start off their marriage with feuding in-laws but I don't know what to do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: pattyoh
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 12:34pm

I think you're right not to get involved in an adversarial way. But if your future daughter-in-law is confiding in you and wanting your advice, here is what I would tell her:

1. Tell her dad that he is no longer authorized to use her credit card. Write a letter to the credit card company letting them know the same thing. If he is a co-signer on the card, then she will need to close the account and open a new one in her name only (or not open a new one at all). If they won't let her open a new one, don't worry--once these items are taken care of, they'll probably change their minds and she can get a new card at that point. In the meantime, she'll just have to live on cash, which is not a bad idea anyway :).

2. Pay the bill. I think it's okay, if you choose, for you to help her pay it if she's not able. Or she can call the creditor and work out a payment plan. It is important, however, that she not pay it until her dad is no longer authorized to use it--otherwise, he might just run it up again, and she'd be right back where she started.

3. Have her call and shut off the cable account and make sure that they understand that she does not want to re-connect even once the bill is paid. Obviously no one in her family can afford it right now, and it is certainly not a necessity. Once it is shut off, if he wants cable again, he can open it in his own name (if he can come up with a deposit--in any event, it is his responsibility, not hers). Then she needs to work out a payment plan with the cable company to get anything she still owes paid. They might take pity on her if she explains the situation, and reduce or even remove the charges on her bill.

4. Order a copy of her credit report after all the bills are up to date. Send a letter of explanation to the credit bureaus for any negative information that appears there. It won't change her credit score, but it can change how potential creditors view the bad marks. And in any event, remember that as the negative information ages, it will count less against her, especially if she continues to build good credit by paying all her bills on time.

It sounds like her dad has some real problems and needs help, but, as you rightly realize, you are not the person to help him. He needs to see it for himself and seek help. In the meantime, if you confront him, you're only setting yourself up for an uncomfortable relationship in the future and, like it or not, you will soon be related to him. His grandchildren will be your grandchildren too. And that's one very good reason to try and maintain a friendly, or at least cordial, relationship.

As for the bills that your future daughter-in-law owes, it's not fair, it's not right, but sometimes it's better just to bite the bullet and take responsibility rather than fight with someone who is clearly not able to be responsible. If she decides she wants to fight with her dad to get some of the money back, then that is her decision. But in order to protect her (and your son's, once they are married) credit, she needs to go ahead and get the items taken care of as quickly as possible, and ensure that her dad is never allowed to mess up her finances again.

Again, though, it is her job to take care of all of this, and her job to make the difficult decisions that may cause a rift with her father. Your job is to support her and offer advice *when she wants it,* and to help *her* in whatever ways you feel appropriate, necessary, and good.

Good luck, and I hope your son gets to come home soon. I'm sure you miss him very much.

Blessings,

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
In reply to: pattyoh
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 6:33pm

Thanks. He's actually not using the credit card, just didn't pay the balance like he said he would so it keeps going up. We will get it paid, have her call the cable company and check her credit report.

I guess it's not a huge problem yet, just worried what he will do next. It's a shame she is starting off her married life with bad credit because of him! He better not mess with their money when they get married!