How can I get DH on board?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
How can I get DH on board?
1
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:33am

Hello everyone,

I am so excited that we are finally getting started on a plan to become debt free. I have a new favorite book: "Debt Proof Your Marriage" by Mary Hunt. We have A LOT of debt, between credit cards, car loans, student loans and one signature loan. We thought we may start looking at our first house. Unfortunately, however, we don't qualify. Even though my credit score is good (high 700's) and DH's is not bad given his history, we are so filled up on monthly payments that we can't hardly get anything.

HOWEVER, DH shows little/no interest in getting actively involved in the debt-reduction process. Witht the exception of my student loan and my car loan, he is responsible for at least 80-90% of the debt we are in. He is a HORRIBLE money manager and even though we don't make much, he spends it freely and gets defensive when I get upset about it. I've even gone as far as taking his debit card away and he refuses to give it to me again (after he was good for awhile, I gave it back). I simply CANNOT trust him with money, he is so irresponsible, and it has definitely caused problems in our 1 1/2 year marriage.

For example, I follow the bank account and keep close tabs on it using Microsoft Money. HE withdraws various amounts throughout the week and I have no idea where it goes. We have VERY little discretionary spending in our budget (like maybe $10). I told him please don't spend more than $50 on me for my birthday - and he spend $90. While it's very sweet that he wanted to spend that much, it was very frustrating for me because we don't have that extra $40! Not to mention, he does things like that on a REGULAR basis and not just with gifts - it's all kinds of stuff for him, mostly.

He doesn't get that if you charge $20 on a credit card that already has a balance, it's not like you can just send in $20 and it's like the charge was never made. He has racked up over $2,000 in credit card debt behind my back just since our wedding in Aug '03.

I am explaining all this to kind of give you a background of our relationship where money is concerned. I spend nothing on myself and very little (or nothing) for any "extras." I work hard to save us money wherever I can, including adding probably 30 minutes to my grocery shopping trips sorting through coupons. I feel like I give 99% to this debt reduction effort and he just seems to sabotage my efforts. He won't read anything. I don't understand, he's an educated adult and a smart person and a hard worker. But I can't get him to just read a short book outlining the best plan I've come across.

How can I get him to commit to a plan and work hard at it? I can't seem to get him to see the dammage he's done and continues to do. How in the world am I supposed to get him on the same page? He's got denial and avoidance in his genes - his parents are the same way and I know that's also where he got his horrible money skills. He doesn't talk about money and any time I get excited about really getting on a debt reduction schedule, he says "ok that's fine" and doesn't do anything differently.

Before I got a little wiser, I took a more controlling/authoritative approach (like taking the card away) and said "This is what you have to do, so do it." This morning I told him that I would really like to sit down and find something that works for both of us. I know it has to be something that he's comfortable with. However, I know that he won't even give it a thought and tonight when we talk about it, he'll say "I don't know, I'll have to think about it." Which means, 'I'm saying this to blow you off and the next time you ask, I'll have the same response.'

I also know it's important to have some spending money for each of us. The thing is we just don't have the extra cash right now. Although, he spends it anyway, so I guess it might as well be in our budget. That will just be in the "magic money that falls out of the sky" income category.

I should mention that we have a one year old son, too. I would like to be a part-time worker and a part-time stay at home mom and have more kids in the future, but with DH, I doubt it will ever happen...

Please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 12:28pm

Sounds like you have a real challenge on your hands. I don't have much concrete advice, but I wanted to pop in and tell you I've been basically where you are, and my dh is still not as good with money as I am, but he's coming along, and it's manageable now.

He still will spend money without telling me (so I find it later and have to redo my accounting), but it's usually within the limits we've set. He also has a tendency to overspend his personal account money (which is in our joint account but I keep track of it separately) and then either gets disappointed and unhappy when he can't do something he had planned on, or I bail him out (because I feel bad, because he's been SO good lately).

Anyway, it's taken a long time even to get to this point, but now dh wants the debt gone as much as I do. He loves the idea of an instant, tax-free, $1000/month raise the day we pay off our last debt. But it has taken a long, long time to really get his buy-in.

He also does the "I don't know, I'll have to think about it" ploy, and then when I finally press him to sit down and talk he gets grumpy.

I have done a mixture of things, from quiet patience (okay, not a LOT of that, but some! LOL), to screaming fits. What usually works best is when I say something, in a very humble voice, about how his actions make me feel: "When you spend money without consulting me, I feel as though you don't care about our financial well-being." Actually, what works even better, is to butter him up some, "You are such a great provider for our family, I love that you work so hard for us. Some day I would love to stay home with our son, and I think you make enough money for us to do that. But we have to reduce our debt first, and the only way to do that is to sit down and agree on a plan."

It probably won't work the first 517 times, but eventually it sinks in--at least, it did for us.

I also find that we get along best, and he is most receptive to my pleas, when I have been being really sweet to him in other areas and working really hard to make life easy for him in other ways.

Anyway, I feel for you. I hope you're able to get through to him.

Blessings,

Heather

P.S. I should add that it got so bad at one point he had $1000 debt he hid from me, to the point of intercepting the credit reports, that had gotten charged off, and another smaller one that had gone to collections. After that, he was no longer permitted access to our joint accounts--all his credit cards were forfeited, etc.