Newly Engaged... and in Debt !!!
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| Wed, 04-06-2005 - 8:53pm |
I'm newly engaged, and already worried!! (Not with wedding woes...)
I am in debt, not BIG, I don't have any behind payments, I just always live, or should I say "barely hang on" from paycheck to paycheck.
My fiance doesn't know how much I really owe and to whom. He knows I have a student loan, but doesn't know the exact amount, and knows that I have a credit card, but he never asks me anymore about it really.
Truth is, I owe $1000 on one card, $680 on another, $200 on two cards, $350 on three others, a $2800 bank loan, and a $1350 personal loan.
I am way over my head... I have school payments at the end of May and I just recently bought my sister's car from her... I didn't take out a loan, she agreed to let me make payments to her... for a total of $1500. My fiance does know about this, and it was something I couldn't help... My other vehicle bombed completely and this was my only (and cheapest) option.
I've quit using my credit cards altogether and just using the cash I have on-hand, and I am working on repaying my cards as quickly as I can, which isn't easy.
I am more concerened right now with paying my $1350 personal loan back, and I keep getting scared and sometimes sick to my stomach thinking about where I'm going to get this money from.
My fiance is just the opposite... he's very good with his finances, always budgeting and planning, carefully looking into his purchases and always talking about how he can't wait to start investing, saving for retirement and getting into the stock market and all of that stuff that I don't understand!!
Should I tell my fiance about my money woes, or keep them to myself until I get them paid off? He knows about my school loan and the payments I make to my sister for my vehicle, but other than that, he doesn't know how scared I get with this debt stuff. My sister says I should talk to him because he'd be able to come up with a plan to help me out, but I'm so afraid to. I know that's crazy... I'm going to and want to spend the rest of my life with this person (who holds me to such high standards) but I dont' want to let him know about my big fault. I'm scared for him to see how irresponsible I've been, because in a way, I guess I think that he probably won't want to be with me, or will be nervous for our life together and that I might wreck his financial life and plans. (His sister-in-law is very careless with money and has practically ridden my fiance's brother into debt with her outrageous shopping habits and endless wants. Although, my fiance's brother doesn't ever control her spending....) I don't want him to look at his brother's wrecked life and think that I am going to do the same thing.
I know once we start our life together, we'll want to buy a house, and there will be cars and other things that come up, but I do not want to go into this marriage, or even into planning, with debt. Marriage is hard enough, and I don't want to do this!
Any suggestions on what I should do? I thought of seeing a financial planner to possibly help me devise a plan and set goals to repay my debts.
He has a full time job and makes his apartment payments and car payments, he brings in around $3000 a month, whereas I bring in around $400 every two weeks. (I'm still in school but I do work full-time)
Thanks!

Hi there!
I'm not newly engaged (married 12 1/2 years), but my husband is just like your fiance in the sense that he held me to very high standards. For some reason, from the moment I met my husband, he has viewed me as "perfect". I'm not sure why that is, but when we were first together, it felt wonderful to be viewed that way....and after awhile, it became annoying. Every little mistake was met with a disapproving stare or heavy sighs or a frustrated, "What did you DO?!?!" So naturally, when I found myself in debt, I couldn't tell him. I couldn't let him know what I'd done. If he got upset about little things...what was he going to do when I told him I was 10k in debt without his knowledge?!?! So I hid it. I didn't tell him. I hid it for a year. Finally last December it came out...but by that point, I had worked myself up to health problems from my worry and guilt. I was over 300lbs with high blood pressure, low self-esteem, rarely smiled or laughed...just felt awful. I felt like I didn't deserve to have him as a husband, didn't deserve to be loved by anyone, etc. When I told him, I just broke down in sobs. To my surprise, he took the news with a smile, told me that he couldnt' understand what I was so upset about, and that it wasn't that bad and we could tackle the debt together. When he found out I had hid the debt because I was afraid he'd stop loving me if he found out I wasn't the "perfect" person he always made me out to be, he said that it would never happen. Maybe it was age and maturity on his part or something (we married at 20), but he said that he was, in a way, "glad" that I'd made a mistake like this so that he could actually see that I was just a normal person, and that it wasn't fair to hold me to such high standards and make me feel like I had to be perfect in everything I did.
I'm not saying your fiance will ever be like that, but I am saying that if you can show your fiance that you're just a normal gal who makes mistakes like anyone else at this point in your relationship, your marriage will start out much-blessed. You will be able to enter your marriage as a "team" financially, on the same page, and working together to get out of debt. No secrets, no hiding, no guilt. I wish I had started out that way 12 1/2 years ago, but I'm sure glad I have that kind of relationship with my husband now. Better late than never. :-D
Were you and your hubby-to-be planning a large expensive wedding? If so, maybe you could opt for something a little more simple. Maybe skip on a fancy reception and plan a comfortable backyard BBQ? If the weather is nice, you could have everyone come to your parent's home or your inlaws' home and let them know that they can change out of their dressy clothes and put on their jeans and just relax and share some laughs and enjoy your special day with you that way. When my hubby and I married, we were young, and our parents insisted on a church wedding (we were planning to save money and go to the local courthouse), so we got married one week before Christmas so we wouldn't have to play for flowers within the church. The church was already decorated for Christmas, so that was one thing we wouldn't have to do. I bought a clearance gown for $250 (veil included) that needed no alterations (what a blessing!). I wore costume jewelry and did my own hair, makeup and nails. My husband got his tux free in a special deal at the tuxedo store. The bouquet and the corsages were made by a lady who worked at a local Michaels craft store. She did it in her own time to make some extra holiday spending money, and she only charged us $100 for two bouquets and 6 corsages that we could keep forever. Photos and video were taken by friends and family (turned out GREAT!), there were no limos or special things like that at the ceremony (I arrived with my parents, hubby arrived in his own car and parked it in front of the church so we could make our get-away after the ceremony), and the reception was in my parents basment of their normal split-foyer suburban home. We had a wedding cake from a local bakery that cost $48 total, including the bride/groom on top of the cake, we had $3.99 champagne from a local market that was for "toasting only", and just normal sodas the rest of the time. All food was prepared by my Mom and her best friend. We decorated the basement with crepe paper streamers and balloons in red/white for a Christmas theme, and everything turned out beautiful. Cheap, but beautiful. Our families still talk about how beautiful it was, and not about how inexpensive it was. We didn't have a honeymoon until two years later when we were better off financially and could afford it. After the reception, we just went to our new apartment and collapsed from the exhausting day we'd had. LOL!
So, when you talk to your fiance about your debt, you might want to suggest to him that you keep your wedding plans simple, and maybe even delay a honeymoon until the debt is paid off. Ask him to talk to you about his plans for investing so you can show him you want to help build a sound financial future with him. I bet everything will turn out fine. I'm sure you'll feel better having all this worry off your chest. Life is such a wonderful thing without secrets. :-D
I wish you the best of luck in your marriage.
Pat