He's done it again!
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| Thu, 05-19-2005 - 10:29am |
When dh got his most recent raise, he lobbied hard to increase our personal spending allowances from $10 to $50 a month (each). After much agonizing, I agreed. Then he lobbied to each keep $250 of his bonus money as spending money. He also was so disappointed when I suggested spending our entire tax return on items on our priority list, that I eventually agreed to let us each keep $200 for personal spending money.
I admit, I've managed to find uses for the money. I've bought garden supplies (mulch, compost, hoses, sprayers, sprinkler, shovels, etc.), plants (strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, fig tree, elderberries, bee balm, and on and on), an occasional fast food meal or milk shake, clothes (at yard sales), housewares (yard sales), toys for the kids (yard sales), books (yard sales), took the nanny and kids out for a (unreasonably expensive) meal, and so on. I have spent all but $150 of my personal money (over the course of nearly five months).
I'm not proud of that, although I am glad I have some in reserve at least. And it *was* supposed to be fun money, and it has been fun.
But dh has gone and done exactly what I feared--he's spent all of his plus some. In fact, he's even managed it despite having been given an extra $50 in April because of accounting errors on my part. He went to Maine on a business trip earlier this month, and while he was there bought various things. Before going, he did not think he would have spending money up there, but because of the "extra" allowance, he had some money sitting in our joint account. I sent him the amount for him to withdraw, but the email was lost. He blames me for not having sent it again and so he didn't know how much he had. He spent just over the amount he had available.
THEN, he has failed to plan for the fact that he is going to see an old friend and watch the new Star Wars movie tonight. How could he have spent $650 in five months, and not have ANYTHING left for a movie with an old pal?
The thing is, he still thinks he has money, because he ended up putting his purchases in Maine on his business credit card, and it has not been paid back yet. He thinks the $40 sitting in his account is his to spend tonight. Arrrrrrghhhh!
I'm trying to get ahold of him to tell him this, but he's not answering his phone (may be in a meeting). I think maybe I should tell him he can't go up to see his friend tonight or the movie because he doesn't have the money for it. He would be devastated. But shouldn't he be held accountable for overspending?
I'm so irritated. I told him, when he lobbied for higher spending allowances, that I didn't think more money would make him happy. And it's been true. He's done nothing but mope and whine about how now that he gets an allowance his co-workers "make" him go to lunch with them, and how now that he has the money (for about 15 minutes before it's gone), he wants to buy this outrageously expensive special keyboard but it's not being manufactured any more, and how I'm not keeping him up to date on how much money he has so he can't be blamed if he overspends.
I'm also irritated because I have asked him to keep a buffer of $20 in our joint account to cover surprises (which seem always to occur). Then he started paying for things out of his paypal account, and so I thought I didn't have to worry about it any more. But of course, things came up anyway and I ended up having to cover them in the joint account. I think when he gets his next allowance, I'm going to simply hold it and tell him he can't withdraw the money this month. He'll have to wait for his next allowance, because I'm holding this one for a buffer.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'm so dang annoyed. I want to talk to him and chew him out, but perhaps it's best that I'm able to vent here first.
Thanks.
Heather

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Given the opprtunity, I think men in general will find the dumbest things to spend money on. You are not alone. Example: DH knows that one of my pet peeves is the amount of time he spends in front of the TV or computer or the video games playing. Now, I'm not saying that I don't spend any time, obviously I do, but he watches tv shows about HOW to beat this game or that game, or watches tv shows about tv shows. you get my drift. I mean I work 35 hours a week third shift so that i can homeschool our older dd (which I do 90% of the work) and oversee my younger dd's therapy (which I do 100% of the work) I mean it gets so ugly here sometimes, because in a perfect world where parents have both a lot of time and a lot of money, 45% of kids with autism go on to lead normal lives. 45%!! We have neither time nor the financial resources, though this is why i work thrid shift, so that i can be home during the important times and still make decent money (though definitely not as good as if I were working in my field, which I cannot do.) Anyhow, what does dh point out to me every time we go to Wal-mart together? this video card which is on clearance for $60, so that the computer will run graphics better (games). Now he always follows it up with a disclaimer about how he doesn't really need it,k but then why have I heard about it 5 times in the past two months? Of course, he is hoping I will say sure, no problem get it. or I'll get it for father's day or whatever. LIKE HE NEEDS TO SPEND ANY MORE TIME PLAYING GAMES OF ANY SORT!!!!! So anyway, you are not alone. I would let him go with his friends, (else you become the villain), but i would take the money out of his next allowance. DH and I don't do that allowance thing, but every payday, i pay the bills first, and neither one of us gets too mcuh beyond that at this point (our kids get it all :) ) Money is the only thing DH and I do not fight about. go figure....
How awful for you. It's like you're his mother instead of his wife.
I've had two failed marriages already, so don't take any advice from me on how to deal with husbands and spending. Plus mine just went out and bought the WRONG $3000 lawn tractor, and refuses to return it. THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!
I can say though, that in this marriage, we do much better when we go over the budgets TOGETHER. We each have our own separate checking accounts and budgets for personal things, and one joint account that covers household expenses like the mortgage and utilities. We also used to put a little extra into the joint account for furniture.
We haven't sat down together since September though, and it's been really, really rough. Then with the move, and me taking a job for less pay, and now he makes DOUBLE what I make, but expects me to still put in half...it's very stressful.
As a matter of fact, I think I'll make a date with him tonight to go over budgets, if he doesn't go off cycling with his buddy.
I'm trying to remember how I felt when I was holding his hand and saying "I do".
Good luck to us all!
Lee Ann
Lee Ann
www.werenotafraid.com
Just remember to keep breathing...iiiiinnnnn,oooouuutttt!
I am one of those people, who when given the opportunity to spend extra money, will more than likely do it EV-ERY-TIME. Like I've said before, unfortunately, the "ant" mentality sometimes seems harder to grasp than the "grasshopper" mentality!
My Mom and Dad used to have the same kind of deal. What ended up happening, over a course of a few years, was that Mom had a reserve in the checking account that didn't show up in the balance. She also had money set aside for my Dad in there that ALSO didn't show up in the balance because Dad had a bad habit of 'forgetting' to tell her that he'd gotten $40 from the ATM. I don't know how this would work for you because it sounds like your DH actually checks the balance, where my Dad didn't.
It's always frustrating to be the enforcer, and I feel for you. Maybe he's just not seeing how great life will be when you owe nothing to nobody (bad grammar and all, LOL) and can buy all the toys you could possibly want.
Good luck with your discussion...
Lisa
Thank you all SOOO much!!! It's such a relief to come here and know I'll get support for my woes. :)
I especially appreciate hearing, Lisa, that you suffer the same problem my dh does. It has been a huge eye-opener for me hearing from others who suffer from compulsive shopping. I used to just think dh didn't care and didn't see how much it mattered to me, and it would make me so angry. I now realize he has a disorder, and he's actually been quite brave and made so much good progress. It REALLY helps to be reminded of that. Thanks.
I've calmed down considerably, though we did have a pretty ugly discussion, and I'm still a little irritated, because his attitude was that as long as he is making payments on time and not racking up interest charges or causing hassles, that I really shouldn't be nagging him about it. My point of view, of course, is that it's *always* a bad idea to spend money before you have it, even if you expect to get it in the next couple of weeks. When you have debts, you are shackled by them, and if anything happens to your income, you're SOL. It also still irritates me to have to listen to him mope and whine about not having money for things he wants to do.
Sigh.
But it's possible that he really does see my point of view and was just feeling defensive. We'll see. I haven't really seen much of him since our argument (because he went out of town to see Star Wars with a friend), so I don't know.
The good thing is, we've already been through some hard times and it's not like our marriage is in jeopardy. We always work things out and mostly get along and nearly always find a reasonable solution to disagreements. So that part is good.
Anyway, thanks again for letting me vent.
:)
Heather
I can top the $3000 wrong lawn mower. (Mine bought a $6000 zero turn last year) But anyway, he nows wants to go to a military auction and purchase a Old probably won't run Military Humvee for anywhere from $1500- $4000. And last night he says "you know they sell on Ebay for $25000, maybe I should buy 2."
Yeah right as if he would sell one, it would join the other oversized lawn ornaments in the back yard. (Bulldozer, really big 69 chevy truck,...)
He always wants something. ANd no more! I am not giving in, we are still paying on last years two wants (commercial lawn mower, & Honda Atv), and 2002's want a Dodge ram diesel truck, that gets driven once in awhile... Not enough to justify paying $40000. he drives a compnay truck all the time.
He just does not get it. Last night I sat down and told him all money he makes on side work, lawn care, and overtime is going to pay on the $14000 debt on cc. "He says $14000, I thought we always stay around $5000."
Sorry to intrude, but thanks for letting me vent with you!
Shannon
"It also still irritates me to have to listen to him mope and whine about not having money for things he wants to do."
This is the thing that gets me too. And I use to give in, no more its not happening. The guilt trip that mine gives is downright funny after the fact. I have seen him throw tools and stuff across the room because of not getting his way.
Shannon
Shannon
Is it something in the water here?? ;-)
DH came up with the idea last night to line up all of his vehicles in the driveway: motorcycle (not the two that don't run, just the one that runs), Geo Metro (piece of crap), Corvette (in pieces in the garage in Massachusetts), Dodge Ram pickup truck (20 miles to the gallon on a good day). He wants to take some pictures of them all lined up nice in the driveway in front of the new house! He's whacked in the head! I told him, "So you can sell them easier?" and he literally shivered and cringed. He was so excited thinking about them all lined up together and shiny in the sun, that he got physical goosebumps on his arms! I just don't get it...
Lee Ann
www.werenotafraid.com
Yup mine would say somethign ridiculous like that. We currently have 2 trucks that don't run (92Ford truck, & 69 chevy) a 95 jeep wrangler (driven maybe 2 times a year), 02 Dodge ram (DH drives on weekends), 01 Jeep Grand Cherokee (driven daily by me, and 3 Honda ATVs (range from 98-04.
Its ridiculous. My husband had nothign growing up and I relaly feel that he thinks its his right to have whatever he wants now.
Shannon
Shannon
That is EXACTLY what I think too! DH and I even talked about it last week, because I was trying to fling some excess STUFF that we have laying around, and he had a huge fit and grabbed the boxes away from me and put them in the cellar saying HE'D go through them! Of course he only went through one, and even that was a shocker.
He's also insecure about his ability to bring good things into his life, like a good-paying job, which he currently has, so he thinks he has to stock up on 'STUFF' while he can. We have 2 or 3 of a lot of things, which totally aren't necessary. I keep giving them away, and he keeps buying more. It's bizahhhh.
One thing that I mentioned last night though, was that I grew up poor also, and one thing we didn't have a lot was maple syrup. We used butter and sugar on pancakes quite often. The difference is noticeable when DH and I go out to breakfast - his plate still has 2 servings of maple syrup left, and mine is cleaned dry of syrup! I said to him last night, "you must have had a lot of maple syrup growing up", ha ha!
Lee Ann
Lee Ann
www.werenotafraid.com
See my parents made good money, and I never wanted for anything growing up. We ate out most nights, went on vacations several times a year. My parents own a good size house on 5 acres, with a fleet of cars. One year my brother & I gave my father a brand new dodge truck for Fathers' Day (with my moms money of course)My grandmother gave me $20000 cash for a car when I was 16. (the wrangler, that my dh is attached too. I swear thats why he went out with me. )
My hubby was raised by his mother that never worked & his stepfather who makes very little money. They got by on very little. They ate out maybe once a year, where my mom cooked only on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Don't get me wrong I do spend money, I like vacations at least once a year but usually twice. Somewhere nice & exotic with Dh. (We leave for Mexico in 2 weeks!) And in the fall I go to Fl & Disney with my mom. We stay with a relative and it costs less then $500 for my daughter & I.
And I love eating out. Its something grand about sitting down being served what you choose of of a menu, and not having dishes, and cooking and all of that to contend to. But thats how I was raised. My parents were career people that did not have time for cooking & grocery shopping.
But I am really proud of myself. I have cooked dinner every night this week. No eating out!!!
BUt I don't have to have every new vehicle that comes out. We both chose to live n the zip code that we do, which is pretty expensive, we have lived elsewhere and its good to be home.
Shannon
Shannon
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