I'm new here and need advice

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
I'm new here and need advice
8
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 1:04pm
Hi, I've been married for 13 years. My husband quit his high paying job of 11 years last summer to persue his dream of being a successful realtor. He withdrew his 401K for us to live off of. After six months he had spent all of that getting started with his business and I wasn't making enough money to pay all the bills. The only thing for us to do was to sell our home. We moved our two kids to another state (where his family lives)and I left my family behind. We made a nice sum of money from selling our home so he promised that he would work part time and persue real estate in the new state. It's been 4 months, he never got a part time job because he needed to take classes here and he's had some not so great leads. We're back to not having any money and on the brink of not being able to pay the mortgage. I asked him to please get another job until real estate takes off. He doesn't want to do that because he won't be able to focus on real estate...the kids are out of school and he doesn't want me to work becuase he won't be able to go to his classes. I do not want to move the boys again and of course his solution is to sell our home and live with his parents...that's not an option for me. I'm lost as to what I should do. I feel like packing up and leaving him.

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 1:57pm

Wow... sounds like dh needs a reality check. I don't have much advice, just hugs. You seem to really need them.

I try not to be harsh or judgemental, but honestly... what is he thinking????

He was making a good living, had money in the bank, traded it all for a dream which he hasn't made good on in the course of a year. Spent every penny of a 401k AND the profit on a home sale... and still can't make ends meet with his real estate career... won't take a part-time job because it will interfere with his non-paying "dream" job. He has two young sons and a wife, and won't even let his wife go to work to support the family. His solution is to move in with his family? This kid needs to grow up.

That kind of behavior may be acceptable for 20-something singles, if their parents put up with it, but totally unacceptable for the married-with-kids set.

Okay... I'm calm now LOL.

Some thoughts that might actually be helpful (instead of just ranting)... How about if one of you gets a night/weekend job? I did this when we were desperately poor and not able to pay our bills. It allowed dh to work his day job while I was home with the kids, and me to make money while he was home with the kids. He could do his dream thing during the day and you could make some money at night.

Have you sat down with him and looked at the budget? Have you talked candidly with the children about what's going on and asked them what they want? Make sure dh is present, so he can hear their sweet little voices saying they don't want to have to move again.

Other things you can do are to look at your budget and see if you can cut back to make your lifestyle fit within your meager budget. Folks on this board have great suggestions for cutting back--you might be amazed at how little you can live on if you look around.

It sounds like dh wants the dream without making sacrifices, but you're all going to have to make some sacrifices somewhere if it's going to work.

Keep posting here for great suggestions and lots of loving encouragement. You're on the right track to be tackling this problem now and not after you've moved (again) and dug yourselves an even deeper hole.

Good luck and blessings,

Heather

Avatar for nodinero
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Registered: 06-01-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 2:45pm
Thanks Heather. I have sat down with him and he knows the kids do not want to move. We've had several discussions prior to now because I pay all the bills. I've shown him exactly what the budget is and how we are one month away from losing it all again. In my opinion now is the time for him to get moving with another job. It's hard because I want to support his dream but at the same time he needs to get real. I've offered to work nights and weekends but he says that's his busiest times to meet with clients. I offered to work days but he doesn't want to tackle being a stay at home dad and focusing on his business. So he said he would get a job but has yet to do it. He also doesn't want to get a job that would pay him enough to pay the bills. His idea was to be a grocery stocker at night. I feel like he's completely lost it! How do you go from making over 100K to wanting to be a grocery stocker and living on an idea that your dream will make you rich? If I got a job, I couldn't make nearly enough to pay our bills but at least it would be something. He on the other hand can get a job to pay the bills. Thanks for the support though, I'm really at a lost. I can't talk to my family about this because they are already upset that he did this to us before.

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 2:53pm
Wow. DH does need a reality check. Interesting how he can't work and can't take care of the kids. Has he had any clients?
It sounds like DH doesn't want to hear you and will come up with lots of reasons to keep things as they are.
I would probably just get a job and if DH won't watch the kids then find a relative or neighbor who will. You are not asking anything unreasonable. I wouldn't blame you for leaving him.
Good luck and I hope it works out!
Sandra
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 8:42pm

Hi Heather! I rarely post on this board, but have been somewhat of a long-time lurker. I'm in total agreement with you especially in trying not to be harsh or judgemental. But some posters like this one make me think ugly thoughts and so I walk away (so to speak) and most posters like you will have said what I would have wanted without being mean. Thank you and keep up the good work.

P.S. - to the OP, I hope I didn't offend you in any way, if I did, I'm sorry, but please listen to Heather and trust me you and yours will be in my prayers.

 

Avatar for nodinero
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 8:53pm
I'm not offended at all. I agree with Heather. I had a very long discussion with my husband this afternoon and he finally got his resume together. He told me that he had hoped his dream would happen and he's basically feeling like a loser. It hurts me to see him so down but his dream just isn't paying the bills and it's taking all that we have. I'm glad to see other people think the same as me, I just didn't know if I was being too dramatic since I'm living this hell. Thanks for your input.

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 8:55pm
I agree 100% w/what Heather said. Perhaps the threat of you leaving will make him come to his senses. I don't know if you could appeal to his sense of manhood and insist that he take responsibility for his family, you have to come first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 12:09pm

Sorry to hear about your situation. Must be hard on your husband as well. A piece of advise though as I always somewhat of a draw to the Real Estate industry as well. I just started doing real estate PART TIME. It is something that you can do on nights and weekends and work from your home. I'm an accountant by day and realtor by night. :-) Really though in my experience he needs to become an LPA (licensed practicing assistant) for a good realtor in town which is what I have done. An experienced realtor can show him the ropes and give him some leads. Now, I'll say again that this is something I think he should do part time until he gets quite a few deals done and has a lot of refferals coming in. It takes time to really get going at the beginnning of a real estate career. I think that's why it's best suited in the beginning for a single person or part time. You should really talk him into doing it part time and possibly you helping his business out during the day as it's something you can do from home as long as you have a computer and a phone. That's what my wife and I are doing. No reason to give up his dream....I just think it should be a part time dream for the moment. Just suggest it could be a full time dream once business is going well.

PS-Is it ok that I'm a guy and writing on this board? :-)

Avatar for nodinero
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Registered: 06-01-2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 12:45pm
Thanks a lot for your input. I think it's great to get a male perspective on this situation. I'm glad you posted. He actually joined a team here and does get a lot of training and has had a few leads. His leads weren't good ones though. One person was actually looking for a date for her daughter..lol. I have talked to him about doing this part time and he has agreed to get a full time job to pay the bills. He has told me however that him having a full time job will only make him go at Real Estate even harder as he sees that to be his future. I'm very supportive, but my main goal is to pay the bills and provide for our kids. I plan to work full time as soon as school starts up and that will help out a lot. We just moved to this area so he's starting all over from scratch with referrals and such. I just hope he follows through because I gave him an ultimatum last night. I gave him until Sept to get some transactions going, if not, and he continues not to work a full time job, the kids and I go back to my home state and he's on his own. Not something I want to happen though.

 

 

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