Thoughts on frugality and parenting

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thoughts on frugality and parenting
7
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 2:31pm

I had an "aha!" moment today while changing my son's sheets. He sleeps on a mattress that was given to us by a friend, and it has a few stains here and there--some from his accidents, and some from the previous occupants.

It reminded me that I slept on a used mattress when I was a kid, which got me to thinking about my parents and their frugality.

We often think of frugality and parenting in terms of how it affects our kids now, how they may feel about having "new" things, or how they want what the neighbors have, and so on. We often talk about how remaining frugal despite their "wants" helps them learn to manage their money when they're older.

But it hit me today that frugality affects our kids in another way too: how they interact with us financially when they are grown, and how much support they receive and, ultimately, give us as adults.

I don't remember thinking of my parents as frugal or cheap as a kid, although I do remember asking why a friend had a new stereo and a huge 100k+ home when I knew their parents made about the same amount of money (Dad was air force, and the friend's dad was the same rank). I didn't even know my mattress was used--it just was. I cared that my bed was white and frilly and had a canopy that was the envy of the neighborhood, but I didn't even know that it was used and probably cost my parents less than a cheap-looking basic bed would have new.

But now it matters to me that they were frugal, not just because I have learned their frugal habits (and I'm still learning!), but because they are now financially strong and able to support themselves and have in the past been able to help me financially.

It got me thinking that when I buy my children used toys, clothes, and furniture, and by resisting their requests for extravagant things that are outside of our budget, that I'm actually doing them a favor in more ways than one. By getting our finances straight, we're enabling ourselves to be of help to them when they're grown and maybe make a few mistakes and need help (like I did). More importantly, they will probably never have to worry about caring for us financially when we're old and retired. What a relief for them! They'll be free to focus on *their* children and their own retirement, instead of having to worry about ours.

What a gift frugality is to our children. I'm so glad I had this thought today, because it helps me feel even more committed and joyful in my frugal journey.

Heather

P.S. Some fun frugality to practice with young children (if you are financially stable--it does cost a few bucks a week, so I don't recommend this if you are still struggling to make ends meet): I take my four-year-old yard saling. He gets $4 each weekend, which he is allowed to spend however he likes. For each item he purchases at yard sales, he is required to give away or throw away something of equivalent size from his possessions at home. When the $4 is spent, he is done shopping for the day. $4 goes a long way at yard sales, he gets great toys that he loves dearly and plays with a lot, and we get rid of a lot of old junk that he would otherwise resist getting rid of. Additionally, he is learning the value of a dollar, learning to haggle, and learning to budget. And we all get our "shopping bug" out! LOL He rarely asks for toys he sees at Walmart, and I don't ever buy him stuff out of guilt, because he always has plenty of "new" stuff. And it's fun!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 7:46pm

My parents lived frugality also. However, we never had anything used. It just wasn't anything expensive and fancy. My dad never had a new car. He still doesn't. They are so well financially. They also never had a credit card. My dad was the sole bread winner. All the vacations we took (which was every year) was paid in cash.

They have helped all three of us financially (I have two older sisters) at times. I hope my husband and I would also be in the position to help, if our children ever need financial help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 4:25pm

This is a topic I've thought about a lot.... and I still don't have a real clear balance. My mom was a single mom when I was little, and we were poor. Not frugal but out, and out poor and desperate. I remember worrying about food, and seeing my Mom not eat because there wasn't enough for her to eat as well as my sister and myself. Everything I wore was hand me downs. My Mom remarried when I was 8 and things improved, but I never had the things my friends had. This is a contrast to my grandparents, who were quite affluent, and my real Dad who was sucessful in his career. They showed me a world I can only imagine and opened my eyes to the power of an education. I went to University, and then got a Masters (and am still paying the student loans to go with it!)

My husband was raised in a middle class family. His mom and dad both worked and had good paying jobs. He played hockey, and went on vacations. His Mom bought him some new clothes every years, and he wore some hand-me downs from his cousins. He got lots of presents at Christmas and Birthdays.

My Mom never had any debt, because she never had any money, when I was young. My in-laws lived pretty frugally, and had a nice house, and drove new cars. They never had any consdierable CC debt.

I know that my childhood impact on my kids.... I hated feeling like the odd man out, and I probably spend more than I should on stuff for them. My husband, likes to say that he was comfortable, and as a result didn't learn to manage money until he was older and on his own. I want my kids to be "comfortable" but I also want them to learn some of the important lessons that I learnt, without the hardship. I want them to know the value of a buck. I want them to appreciate what they have. I find that this is an uneasy relationship. They need some of the pain to grow, so that they won't make the same mistakes that I did, and my husband did when we learnt to manage our own money. But I am not quite sure how to get there......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 8:14pm

Want to hear a frugality lesson for a child? My dd is 4 and I read a book about money and children, becuase I don't want her to make the same mistakes I have. It said give children an allowance (not necessarily at age 4, but I figured why wait) and that 10% should go for charity, then the rest split 1/3 each to spending, medium-term savings and long-term savings. After trying to figure out the math for weeks, I settled on $7 per week. It's more than her age (people use age as a guideline, like $1 per week per year of age) but I couldn't figure out how to split $4 by 10% then 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 without having to have $4 all in change. By using $7, then $1 can be set aside for charity, $2 for spending, $2 each for medium-term and long-term savings. Much easier.

I figured out how it might work, and then talked to my ex to see if he would be willing to join me in teaching dd this lesson, and would he give dd $7 the weeks she was with him. He agreed.

So the first week I gave her the allowance, some wallets and envelopes to hold the money, and set up a register to keep track. The next week her dad gave her the $7. Then it was my turn, but the next week he forgot. He said he forgot so I didn't think much of it (note here: my ex is extremely financially irresponsible, I should have known this would happen). The next week I gave her the allowance and the week after that he forgot again! She's there now and we'll see when she comes back tomorrow I'll see if he got caught up. He's in debt to his dd!!!! So dd will learn two lessons. 1. she has a financially irresponsible dad. 2. how to make the $2 from mom stretch for 2 weeks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 9:18am
I am glad I am not the only one who was stumped by the math. I started out with a $ 5 alloawance for my son, and got totally confused trying to do the math, and not hav e handfuls of change. We let it slide for awhile, but my son is showing lots of interest in money right now so we many give it a go again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 11:26am

I was the kid thats parents had money because they had high salaries. I was raised where we went on exoctic vacations, lived in a decent size house on 5 acres. Drove a brand new car when I was 16. I was the rich kid that wore $75- $100 jeans to school, now I wear plain old Levi's.

Its hard to lose that when you are an adult with a family and don't have the salary that you were raised with. For instance my husband and I struggle to pay our $2000 a month mortgage (3 weeks of dh salary) just so we can live in the neighborhood we grew up in. (And we even had $75000 down)(Which is also a fixer upper (think of the old movie "The Money Pit")

I shamefully admit my mom still helps us somewhat, she pays for us to vacation with them each year, and just this week, she bought a new digital camera, and got one for me since mine is so old now. And she pays for us to eat out as a family at least once a week.(which I don't include in our budget). She buys stuff for my daughter all the time.

But we will make it and hopefully I will eventually acomplish my goal of being a millionaire by 30 or maybe 40...(by earning & saving my own money) I know eventually when god forbid something happens to my parents, my brother & I will be fine.

So I guess my point is that when you are raised frugally its easier to adapt to being good with money. Where my Dh & I are used to having things that our salaries don't justify.

Shannon


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 9:57pm

>>>So I guess my point is that when you are raised frugally its easier to adapt to being good with money. Where my Dh & I are used to having things that our salaries don't justify.<<<

I was raised by a very financially responsible, frugal single mother. We never went on vacation, lived in a small, relatively inexpensive home, I knew my mom always saved her money and spent it very carefully, etc. I still grew up and told myself I could have whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it, as long as there was a credit card with an available limit. Being raised frugally doesn't mean you actually learn a lesson from it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 9:58pm

>>>I am glad I am not the only one who was stumped by the math. I started out with a $ 5 alloawance for my son, and got totally confused trying to do the math, and not hav e handfuls of change.<<<

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one too!

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