Family money issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Family money issues
6
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 3:21pm

I've been married almost two years, and DH and I just moved from Massachusetts to Maryland. In Mass., we kept everything separate, but opened a joint bank account for paying the mortgage and utilities.

Down here, we decided to put all of our vehicles on one multi-vehicle insurance policy. I have one new car, he has an old car, a truck, a corvette in pieces, and a motorcycle. With the multi-car discount, my insurance was $286 every six months, MUCH better than the $135/month I was paying in Taxachusetts.

He still hasn't gotten his act together to get his new Maryland plates and turn his old ones in to Mass. I have. I had to take time off work, unpaid, and sit for three hours on two separate occassions at the registry to get my license and plates. It was not pleasant, but I did it.

Now I've gotten a revised insurance bill; my insurance will be $56 more every six months because I'm not on a multi-car policy, since DH never got his MD plates or license. I told him that I thought he should pay that, because it's not my fault he didn't get his cars on the policy. He reacted Overly Strongly! I totally hit a button or something, because he claimed I'm "Always" trying to place blame and get out of paying for things! I kept my cool, and left the room.

I came back a little while later and asked him what the blow-up was really about. He said I should just pay the $56 because I'm better off than I was in Massachusetts! Then he started with the, "What do you want, twenty bucks? Here!" and starts rummaging through his pockets. I said no, that's not what I want. He said what, a hundred bucks? and I calmly said no, I want you to pay the $56 my insurance just went up because you didn't get your cars put on the policy like you said you would. I told him that if I caused our insurance to go up for some reason, like a ticket or something, that I would feel responsible, and would pay the difference. Then I reminded him that for 2 of the 4 years he owned his house, I paid half the mortgage payments, and also built a $20K retirement plan for *us*. I didn't even get to remind him that I convinced him, after reading stories on this board, that he could refinance his house and pay off all his divorce debt, about $20K. I said it all without bitterness, or any negative feelings. Just a reminder. He later thanked me and affirmed that I am pulling my own weight.

People get really weird about money. But I kept doing the next right thing, and was blessed with Grace to handle the situation.

Bottom line is, my insurance is far less than it was before, and I was able to cancel my Massachusetts insurance policy today because I turned my plates in on May 24.

Lee Ann

Lee Ann

www.werenotafraid.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 4:37am
Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't want to offend you, but it sounds from your post like your husband isn't very accountable or responsible when it comes to money. I hope that I am wrong about that. Also why doesn't he have his own retirement plan and why do you feel the need to pay into a retirement plan for the both of you? He should have his own retirement plan in place. I only say this because I have been in a situation myself where I contributed financially a majority and he ended up with more than his share when we split up. I don't feel that you are obligated and that he shouldn't make you feel obligated to "babysit" him financially. He is an adult and needs to be accountable and responsible without being condescending. That is just my opinion. Perhaps it's time the two of you sat down and had a serious talk about this. Two years of marriage is not very long to start clashing about financial issues. Get them nipped now or you may find yourself in over your head with him and no way to get out without a mess on your hands. Again, just my opinion. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 9:50am

Thanks Scorned, no offense taken.

I, like you, lost a lot due to divorce. And my best friend lost even more in her divorce. It's sad but true that we have to keep one eye on that fact when we're supposed to be enjoying and building new lives.

I think DH and I are equally irresponsible with money, just in different ways and at different times. We both go through spurts of trying to be better, and I'm waiting for the day when we're both doing better at the same time ;-)

I'm pretty sure that my retirement fund from before we were married would remain mine in the event of a split, but I know that the funds I've invested since our marriage would have to be shared. The laws that were put in place to protect non-working women from abandonment has turned around to bite us in the butt!

I'd love to sit down and talk with DH about our finances. We say every week that we're going to, then 'something comes up'. But as I sit here wringing my hands thinking about it, we're just going to have to 'do it'. He's out of town quite often, and will be too wiped out tonight after driving back from Massachusetts, then tomorrow night I have an important meeting that I don't want to miss, and Wednesday night we have a dance lesson, and Thursday night he goes bicycling, so Friday night looks like the night, because instead of leaving Friday night for Massachusetts, he's going to wait until very early Saturday morning. It should be his last weekend up there though, fingers crossed.

Have a great day,

Lee Ann

Lee Ann

www.werenotafraid.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 10:41am

The laws that were put in place to protect non-working women from abandonment has turned around to bite us in the butt!

Ya think? You could protect yourself too--"prenup"--there are laws to protect everyone's investments if you should choose to do so.




Edited 6/7/2005 10:43 am ET ET by weenjen
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 12:23am
This issue is definately important enough to discuss as soon as possible. You need to find a way to approach it with him that is non threatening. If you follow Suze Orman at all she talks about having a weekly financial date with your spouse. This way you can approach the subject in a non threatening manner. Either way, the two of you need to sit down and seriously talk. Talk without fighting, accusing or yelling. Any plan that the two of you come up with won't work unless both of you work at it. Good luck and keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 8:38am

Yes, tonight is financial discussion night, even though it's his birthday.

He's having quite a few 'man moments' lately; we discuss something, agree to it, and he either can't remember it, remembers it differently, or actually had a 'false memory' the other day, claiming I said something that I never ever would have said!

Patience, patience....

Lee Ann

Lee Ann

www.werenotafraid.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:22pm
He wanted to go out for his birthday last night, so we didn't get to talk about finances. He was going to blow it off today too, but I put my foot down, and badgered him into it.

Lee Ann

www.werenotafraid.com