When it rains it pours.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
When it rains it pours.....
10
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 1:22pm
I posted a while back about my dh who decided to quit his job and go into real estate. He hasn't done well so far and we sold our house to avoid losing everything. Moved out of state to be near his family and now we are in the same exact position of almost having to sell our house to avoid losing everything. I got some good advice here and tried it out. I was really hoping my dh would do what he said. I gave him an ultimatum that I really didn't want to do. I told him he had until August to sell enough to live off of or he either put the real estate business on the back burner and went back to a hourly job or I packed up the kids and moved back to my home state. We had a very long talk, he promised to get a job and then literally the next day his phone rang and he had two new clients. Both seemed promising. One even put a contract on a house only to decide after the counter offer they didn't really want it. The other client was just "window shopping" for the future. He has just three weeks to sell something or get a job or we are in big trouble. He's not looking for a job at all. I hate the idea of putting the kids through the stress of moving them away again and this time from their dad. I just feel like he's going to let me down. The kids are upset that we aren't going on any vacation and that we don't have the money to even go to the movies. I'm upset by it myself. I'm feeling very resentful. I've also just learned that my grandmother is very sick and will be having some heart tests done if she can make it until then. She can't even get out of bed. I'll have to charge up what's left on the cc to go see her if she gets worse or if she dies. I'm feeling very low right now. Just need some reassurance I guess.

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 3:16pm
That is a very tough position to be in, and with no easy solution. I hope your grandmother is okay. Is your husband on his own doing real estate? Is there any chance he could get hired by a real estate company, and continue doing this but have some kind of existing network to help him out and be a source of clients?

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Avatar for nodinero
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Registered: 06-01-2005
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 3:42pm
He joined a team and gets leads here and there but they seem to go nowhere. I've begged him to get a full time job and do real estate on the side until it's so busy for him that he can make enough money not having the other job. He just keeps telling me that I'm a downer and he has to give this 100%. Meanwhile, we are really getting into debt and time is running out. I've also suggested I get a job but he doesn't want to stay at home with our kids because it will interfere with his business. The thing is he promised he would get another job so he didn't have to lose me and the kids. When I ask him about the job search he tells me he's looking and changes the subject. If he gets a new lead he will come home and want to celebrate but I'm getting to the point that until he's coming home with a paycheck I don't feel the need to celebrate. So now I'm not "supportive".

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 4:02pm

*NOT SUPPORTIVE*!!???! That really chaps my you-know-what. You gotta be kidding. What, agreeing to a major downshift in lifestyle, packing up, selling a home, moving across the country, using savings, retirement, and house profits to support the business... and *you're* not being *supportive* enough????

Give me a break.

Seriously, your dh needs a reality check. I'm not going to mince words this time. Give him till the deadline you stated, then pack 'em up and move 'em out.

I know you don't want to do that to your kids. But do you want to teach them that what your dh is doing is okay? It's okay to be in your forties (thirties?) with a family and making them move all over the country and give up everything that matters to them so you can pursue a pie-in-the-sky dream, and then accuse them of not being supportive because they get a little fiesty after a year of nothing to show for their sacrifices?

Sounds like dh is facing two things. One, a basic lack of maturity. Two, he's probably receiving a LOT of peer pressure at work to be there 24-7. They're feeding him the crap about giving it 100% and what-not, and he's feeling the pressure and repeating what he's hearing when he gets home.

I've got more to say, but I've got to run--my family's going out on a family bike ride, and I don't want to keep them waiting.

I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do. I know it's hard. Hugs and many, many blessings to you. I'll try to write more later.

Blessings,

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 4:35pm
Tell him that he's used all your supportiveness up, and you won't be supportive of letting the children starve. What will you do if you move back? Will you get a job there and will family watch the children? Is there any way to get a job where you are temporarily, so at least you can cover some of the bills? If you move back, do you expect that someday he will follow you? Or will you divorce?

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Avatar for nodinero
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Registered: 06-01-2005
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 5:12pm

Well, I would hope that he wouldn't let me move back and would get a job. But if I do move back, I have my entire family for support. I haven't told them what's going on because they were so upset about the first move. I would go back to work and my family would watch the kids. IF my dh didn't want to change the current situation we would divorce. But, I'm really praying that it doesn't get to that point. I'd like to see him keep persuing his dream but on the side. I'd like him to get a job. I'd like to stay married and keep our family together.

I have told him that I'm just done with this "dream" being first and foremost. His attitude is that our house is just another investment and we can sell and move on in life..."it's just a house". But to me, it's a place for my kids to settle in and make memories. It was hard for them to leave my family behind and their friends. They have really adjusted well and made new friends. They do not want to move again.

I feel like by the time he gets a job, we will be so far in debt it will be unreal. We've always had a little cc debt but nothing serious. He had the same job our whole marriage and then one day, lost his mind or something and went for a "dream" of being a billionaire real esate agent.

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 6:14pm
Maybe you should gather some statistics on what real estate agents average making (not billions) and how long it usually takes to build a business, and how most do it when they are young and have fewer responsibilities or have saved up a cushion so their children won't starve and their wives won't leave them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 8:38pm
Hope everything works out at the end. But if you had no choice but divorce, mkae usre that you don't get stuck with all the debt.
Avatar for cl_beckymk
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 8:58am

HUGS!!!!

Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 12:17pm

First of all - here, here Heather - I totally agree with you.


As for your dh - in the back of my mind I keep wondering if he has had some sort of a mental breakdown?

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 12:55pm

Oh, yes, Danni. That makes a lot of sense. My dh and I were talking more about the situation, and there were several things that don't add up that could be explained by a break-down.

For one thing, and please don't take this the wrong way, but while real estate is a valid career and I'm sure a lot of fun and rewarding, it's not the type of career most people give up lucrative jobs, nice homes, and risk losing their families to pursue. Acting, sure. Foreign service, maybe. Scuba diving, hang gliding, gold mining, archeaological digs, charity work--yeah, those are all things that might grab a person and cause him or her to go off the deep end in pursuit. But real estate? It just seems so, well, mundane.

One thing that people *do* give up those things for, OFTEN, is an addiction. I am *not* a psychiatrist, and I would never suggest that I am skilled at "diagnosing," but this behavior sounds a lot to me like the symptoms of addiction. Usually, addiction is substances, but I've heard of people becoming addicted to other things--an ideal, an individual, a particular emotion, risk-taking, etc.

Even the denial--agreeing to a solution, saying that he'll do what is obviously best (trying to get a job), but then falling through.

Personally, in addition to consulting a professional psychiatrist/counselor/psychologist/whatever, I would check the facts behind dh's behavior. Find out where he really is all day, find out who he's really talking to on the phone, find out where he is spending what little money you have.

I know it sounds low, but I would do it. Your dh has already shown that he can't be trusted to make rational decisions right now. You can't let him continue to destroy your family and himself. It has to stop.

It's possible that his "addiction" (if that's what it is) is simply the "dream" of real estate. But it's possible there is more going on here than you are yet aware of.

Let us hear what happens, and keep coming back. We're here for you. I wish I could write more, but I'm supposed to be working on *my* part-time job (my business) while one son is sleeping and the other is watching a movie (I know, not the best babysitter, but a heck of a lot cheaper than the other sort lol).

Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions for your family. I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers for the strength to do what you need to do.

Many, many blessings to you and your little boys.

Hugs,

Heather