catch 22

Avatar for windryderm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
catch 22
5
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 11:06am
I don't know if anyone has kept up with my debt problems but here is the rundown real quick.
Hubby lost job last October, worked for temp job until march which dropped our income from $2700 a month to $1000 a month. He still works for temp agencies but it is even more scatty than before but now has a day job making approx $1400 a month gross. He had just gotten his raise as of this last paycheck thankfully, but it is still way less than we need for basic bills which total about $1600 a month. After getting rid of all non-essentials and chopping our spending down to the last penny, we still have to juggle bills and figure out which ones must be skipped or paid less for a month until we can get more money. I am trying to find work, withdrew from college to help save $$ even though I was on financial aid (it didn't cover the daycare costs, just barely covered books) and have been selling just about everything we own to help raise money until things improve. ok for my dillema of the day. A family member became deathly ill, she was in ICU for over a week and the doc was very pessimistic about her outcome. I ened up being vollunteered since I have a good car to go get all the extrened family that couldn't afford to drive here from around the state, and was given some gas money but that is long gone. I now have family staying at my house even tough we don't have much room, which between having to drive 80 miles round trip to see our family member in the hospital, and food has sped up how quick our money goes. I jsut got a notice in the mail the other day from my mortgage and car loan companies that even though we sent a partial payment to both (each was $100 short of the monthly payment) they want the rest of the payment from last month and all of this month by the end of the month or our house will be forclosed and the car will be repo'd. There is no way I can come up with another almost $2k by July 1st! Can these companies really do that even though I am sending them some money even if it isn't the amount that was agreed upon? It isn't like I'm not trying! I checked into selling our car, which would leave my H and I without any car for a while, but at least the bus system goes by his work, the down side would be he wouldn't be able to work for the main temp agency he has been working for since it is out of the county and our bus system doesn't go out of our county. We owe $11,600 approx on our car and kelly blue book value puts it at $5900 for trade in value, and $7800 for selling ourselves. So even if we could find someone to buy our car for that max amount, we'd still owe about $4000 which we could not afford right now. Should I jsut let them repo our car? But if I do that, will that mean I will owe about double I do now on it? (after they charge me the fees for everything they can think of) I am just stuck on what to do. We have tried jsut about everything, but our mortgage and car loan companies refuse to work with us on defering a payment or temporarily reducing the payments. Our house payment alone is $760 a month. I am so scared we are going to be without a car and home really soon. My H keeps telling not to worry everything will work out but how can it? Does anyone have any insight? I have been dealing with constant migraines jsut from the stress of overthing going on. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2005
In reply to: windryderm
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 12:10pm

I can't help too much but I wanted to say, if I had to chose between the house & the car I would put all the money towards the house to keep it & let the car be repo'd. :( I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. For the family members that are staying there would it be possible for them to help pay for food etc? Is there any way to let them know that you guys are about to lose your house & only vehicle?

I'm in the process of selling a bunch of stuff too, my parents bailed us out BUT we now owe them that money. Plus I wouldn't feel right taking it & not paying it back. KWIM? I'm sending you many hugs & some Immitrex for the migraines.. ;) Hugs~It's 5 oclock somewhere

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: windryderm
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 4:31pm

Wow, windryderm, you sound like you could use a hug! You must feel so frustrated.

I don't have many ideas, and what I have thought of may not help at all. But sometimes extreme situations call for extreme action.

But could some of those folks living with you watch your kids for a bit while you go do some temp work? I know temp agencies in our area are always looking for good people for a week's worth of work or so at reasonable rates. Might give your guests the idea that maybe they should be helping out a bit more. And while it wouldn't fix the big problem, it might help get your bills caught up for a bit.

I agree about putting your mortgage first, too. Personally, I'd stop paying *anything* until the mortgage is caught up. That includes food. Take your kids to a food kitchen if necessary, and tell your guests that you're sorry but your house is important to you, and if they're hungry you can drop them off at the grocery store on your way to the food pantry to feed your kids.

Likewise, express your extreme regrets that you're not able to visit your relative at the present time, but that while you may have the "good" car, it is soon not to be *your* car at all and the relatives are simply going to have to find another way to get to the hospital.

I personally don't buy the common belief that end-of-life events require everyone to sacrifice their own financial and emotional well-being to cater to every desire of the dying one and the dying one's loved ones. What matters far more is how we treat people and express our love on a daily basis, and how we show our respect while also maintaining respect for ourselves and caring for our immediate families.

If you have always had a good relationship with your dying relative, there is no need to sacrifice your sanity and your financial health in one last burst of affection. Write the loved one a letter, make a phone call, send a photo, whatever. Remind them of the good times you've known together, and assure them (if in fact you believe this) that you are looking forward to seeing them again on the other side (or whatever it is that you believe). They will understand and remember how much you love them, and won't expect you to break your back being there every possible moment.

If you don't have a good relationship, you can still do the same things to show your love. Send them a letter telling them how much you love them and how sorry you are that you were never able to patch things up before, or whatever. Maybe it will patch things up, it certainly won't hurt, and if they resent your not being there, you're no worse off than you always have been with them, and I wouldn't sweat it.

Set realistic limits that meet your needs and theirs. Decide, for instance, that you will visit the hospital 80 miles away once a week. Tell your loved one that you will see her/him on Sunday. Visit on Sunday. Take the relatives who are living with you if they want to come. At the end of your visit, express how much you enjoyed the visit, how much you love them, and assure them that you will see them again the following Sunday, the soonest that you are able to return.

As for the relatives, it is up to them to decide how they can meet their own needs to be with the loved one at the hospital. It is not your responsibility to take care of those details.

I know I'm throwing out a lot of ideas here--take what works for you and ignore the rest.

When a dear friend of mine was dying in the hospital in California (all the way across the nation), her husband asked a mutual friend of ours to come be with them. My friend here had three young children, one of them barely a week old. Her husband works at a manual labor job, making far less than most in our circle of friends (certainly far, far less than the husband of the dying friend). They did not have the money set aside for plane tickets, and more importantly, she could neither leave her tiny infant at home, nor did she feel able to travel with all three children by herself having just given birth the week previous, but her husband couldn't afford to stay home with the two oldest nor could he afford to come with them. She felt terribly, terribly guilty about not going, especially after our friend died and after the husband took a great deal of his anger and grief out on her for not "being there" for them.

But the truth is that the end of a person's life is only one very short chapter. It seems to have so much weight, and it is important, but it doesn't require everyone else in the world to stop what they are doing and sacrifice their own family's well-being. Just do as as much as you are able, are comfortable with, and feel like doing. Don't let guilt cause you to do things you will regret.

In contrast, my husband's grandfather died recently. We were very fortunate to be driving distance, and to learn of his upcoming departure shortly beforehand and at a time that was convenient for us to go down there. Dh took some time off from work (it cut a little into the time we had hoped to spend with my family in Colorado, but not devastatingly so), we loaded up the kids, and drove down. We arrived in time to say goodbye to PawPaw. We spend most of that Wednesday at his house with him, but when the kids were cranky and ready for a break, we retired to dh's parents's house for the rest of the day, knowing that he might pass on at any time.

Sure enough, he left us that night, without our having seen him again. Were we sorry not to get to see him again? Sure. But would we have wanted to stay at his house day in and day out, the kids cranky and whining, ourselves tired and out-of-sorts, feeling upset and irritable? Of course not. Instead, everyone felt free to come and go as they could and wanted to. We all made small sacrifices--like dh's vacation days that we had had other plans for, and the cost of gasoline and food on the trip down--but no one outdid themselves. And he had loved ones around him most of the time, and certainly knew we all loved him. But no one wore themselves out or broke their budgets or made this one event central to their relationship with him. It felt just right and, honestly, it is the most peaceful and loving way I've ever known or heard of anyone leaving this world. I hope I get to leave with such dignity when it's my turn.

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I will be thinking of you and hoping things look up soon.

Blessings,

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
In reply to: windryderm
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 11:02pm
Listen, call your mortgage lender right away! They are required by law to offer you alternative payment plans when you are having trouble. The problem is most people wait until 2 payments are missed and then its too late. The options they will offer are: skipping a payment or two and adding them to the life of your loan, reducing your payment temporarily, reducing your interest rate temporarily, etc. But the point is you need to act quickly. Banks do not like to foreclose as they almost always lose money on the loan. I read an article on this somewhere and wish I had saved the link!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
In reply to: windryderm
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 11:06pm

http://houseandhome.msn.com/Financing/Experts/HoldOntoYourHouse.aspx

OK, that's the link, read it for very good information on how to keep your home. Good luck and call the lender on Monday for sure!!

Avatar for windryderm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: windryderm
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 2:56am

Thanks for that link. It has alot of info in it. I don't know how much it will help me though. My mortgage company sends the notice of intended forclosure if we are jsut one month behind, they don't even wait for the 3 month mark. Also, I have talked to them numerous times and about how we aare wanting to work something out with them as a temporary thing and they refuse to work with us. They said they do not do deferments or forbearance, and they even said they would not accept payments less than the amount we are supposed to be sending them, though they did cash the check that was $100 less than is was supposed to be. Any ideas on how to deal with a company that does not want to work with me? This is not the company we started with, this company bought our mortgage from our original company. I don't know if I can say the name of this company I am dealing with but they are a real pain! I have a couple family members that have had hard times hit them and have this same company for their mortgages and they have had the same trouble. We won't even hit our two year mark until November this year for our house and can't even refinance until then because we have such a high penalty if we do it before that 2 year mark. This totally sucks but I really appreciate your help.

I forgot to add that right now we only owe for June and $100 from May's payment. I jsut don't understand why this particular company is so quick to start the forclosure process!