What gave you the push...

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Registered: 08-19-2003
What gave you the push...
8
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 10:28am

What gave you the push to get out of debt and stop owing people money? Was there one thing in particular or a string of reasons to get serious with money?

For us we got out of debt (other then mortgage & small car loan) a few years ago. I had a baby, quit working full time, and the debt reappeared. Of course we went to half the income and still spent the same amount of money. I also have a husband that always wants ATVS or parts for cars & trucks. I have a problem saying no. So of course it goes on the card.

Add a few home improvements (necessary), my truck needing tires, 2 exotic vacations, a four wheeler, a commercial lawn mower, hospital bills, wedding... And here we sit with a little less then $20,000 in debt.

The push was.. I pay all the bills and I decided I was tired of losing sleep figuring out how to juggle all the payments on everything. So in Jan we stopped using cards with the exception we let the want monster take over and we paid for a vacation on the cc.

The only problems is my hubby is not always on board. Just the other day he asked for $300 to buy a part to raise the horsepower in his truck. And when I told him that the simce the truck still runs, its a want and not a need. He gets pissed and throws a tantrum. I feel like I am talking to a toddler when I go and explain that we already enjoyed the money we will be making in the future. When we repay then we can go buy new stuff with cash!

So what was your push and how did you get spouse on board?
Edited to Note: Husband bought the part using someone elses cc at work, so we just owe that person the money on Friday. He thought this was ok since he did not use our card. I don't think we will ever catch our debts with his wants.

Shannon




Edited 6/22/2005 11:11 am ET ET by shannoninmd

Shannon


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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 11:12am

I think it's really common and normal for one person in a relationship to get "on board" with debt repayment before the other person. It takes a great deal of patience to be that person lol.

I know it stinks to have to be the "mom" to your spouse (btdt) in regard to money, but at least you can know you're not alone. Just be persistent, try to be kind and understanding, and hopefully he'll eventually "get it."

Sometimes it helps to sit down with the spouse and go over the budget together, so they can see the numbers. Another thing that really works extraordinarily well for me is when dh wants something that I feel is extravagant or at least outside our budget. I ask him where he would like to take the money from. This works best when I am able to do it sincerely, without sarcasm or condescension, but simply with the expectation that if he wants it, he will help me find the money.

Then I tell him or show him where we have money saved, and what it is saved for, as well as the upcoming expenses we have. Often, he looks at all that and realizes that he doesn't really want "it" more than the other things we are saving for, and I don't have to be the bad guy.

Sometimes, he still wants it, and makes a suggestion for where the money can come from. This can be frustrating for me, but it opens the lines of communication, and we usually end up with a compromise that we can both live with.

Good luck and blessings,

Heather

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Registered: 08-19-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 11:20am

Thanks for you advice. Part of our problem in our marriage is COMMUNICATION. We actually saw a therapist for 6 months at $20 a week for her to say she had no idea how to get us to stop fighting. And she could not help us.

He refuses to talk about money, and instead of working compromises with me he goes to other people.

FOr example: (I edited previous post after you read it)The part I mentioned he wanted well today he borrowed a coworkers cc since he could not use our card. So now we have to pay this good samaritin on friday. I have no idea how he rationalized that we had no money for the part in cash, were not putting it on a card, but suddenly the money would be avail on Friday with his paycheck. He just does not get that any extra money he will make in the next 2-3 years will go to pay for all the nice things we bought in the last 2 years.

Just when I think he may start to understand he does something stupid.

Shannon


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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 11:42am

Hi Shannon - this is an excellent question/post - thank you so much for posting it.

All my best,
Danni

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 11:47am

Oh, wow. I am seeing red just reading your post. Wow.

It sounds like you have a couple problems. Your dh may have a communication problem, but clearly he also has a shopping problem. It's called compulsive spending, and it's a hard addiction to break, even when you're trying--which it doesn't sound like he is.

It also sounds like you could use a *good* counselor. Not all counseling is alike. If your dh was willing to try counseling, you at least have somewhere to start. Obviously, he wants things to be better. And $20 a week is actually quite inexpensive for counseling. Look for a therapist who offers "cognitive behavioral therapy." This is usually a very effective method, if applied correctly.

Additionally, see if you can get recommendations from others who have been to counseling and had good experiences. Otherwise, it's just a crap shoot for whether the counselor will be worth a hill of beans.

The good news in your story is that at least neither of you is hiding from the other. He told you he borrowed the cc, and so it's out in the open. This may seem like a small blessing, but actually it's huge. You'd be surprised how many people on this board have hidden, or have had their spouses hide, debt from each other, and it causes so many problems.

I hope you find some way to work through this so you can begin healing your relationship and your finances.

Blessings,

Heather

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Registered: 02-06-2005
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 12:22pm

For us, it was our daughter that finally provided the incentive to get out of debt.

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Registered: 08-19-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 12:37pm

I fully agree and with your philosphy about debt. And really we are not really in a horrible situation with debt. But for me I have changed my way of thinking and I want no debt. For instance we could sell our house, pay off all our debts and have about $200000 in cash. But then we would just have to move somewhere else but at least we do have net worth.

I want to eventually be the millionaires next door, and my husband is the type of person that sees no point to living if you don't live for today.

Shannon

Shannon


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Wed, 06-22-2005 - 6:31pm

There were a number of catalysts, including: dreading bill paying because the situation never got any better; resenting my best friend, who is also my boss, making more & more money while I just sat there drowning; kids getting closer to college age; realizing that this nightmare would not end unless I started acting my age, stopped avoiding it, and did SOMETHING.

That was when I came here and got some info about CCCS. Then I found an agency that I liked, and in the past year I have paid down $10K of about $50K of credit card debt.

I also got motivated to change my career. Some things changed in our home life that made it possible for me to get back on a fast career track, which my best friend/boss has facilitated in every way possible. This year I will gross about 20% more than last year.

I think there just comes a time when you stop the hand-wringing and the blame-game, bite the bullet, and DO SOMETHING.

Kelly

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Registered: 01-25-2005
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 7:55pm

I have always hated debt, always wanted to have money saved, but after we bought our house and had a large mortgage it has taken us several years to catch up. My dh is a recovering alcoholic (as of this year )and he had blinders on and was charging everything for a few years. Though we were both working full time and making good money I was totally disorganized and clueless as to where it was going. Well my dh quit drinking 8 months ago, my second dc was born and I went to part time and then just quit my job a month ago. This was very scary but it also made me realize i had to get organized and get a budget. Since dh has a clearer head now he has been on board with me about 80% I'd say, and it's amazing that so far (it' s only been a month!) we are making less money but I have a much better handle on it. I was also spending money in stupid ways here and there just enough to make it count, and spending too much money on groceries just b/c I wasn't organized. I think that it is so true, it is not how much you make but what you do with what you make. I also think the whole refinancing thing is a sham usually (we did that a few years ago and went from a 110 thousand dollar morgage to 132, to put our car and credit cards on it, and then racked up the cards again) My goal and dream is to have NO credit card debt, i have about 5k to go and to pay cash for everything- and to save, save, save as much as I can. This board is helping me keep my focus clear! Thank you!

Shannon (in Ohio!)