Do you hide your debt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Do you hide your debt?
7
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 7:17pm

Hello, everyone,

I've just joined the board (see: I think I finally get it! in intros) and was wondering if there's anyone out there like me whose debt problem is unknown to anyone they know. Ironically, if you were to ask anyone who knows me, they'd probably say I was a good money manager because I always seem to have money for whatever is needed (if they only saw my credit cards!) One reason I sought out this group is because I have no one to talk to about this - I'm a widow and handle my own money - and there's no reason for anyone to know my financial affairs.

This is the terrible secret I've been hiding for years. It's like being a drug addict, except it's legal and actually encouraged by our society to live way beyond our means. When the two airlines went bankrupt last week with BILLIONS of dollars of debt, and our gov't going deeper and deeper every day, is it any wonder people can't stay out of debt?

I feel like I've finally "come out of the closet" and can talk about this. Whew!

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 7:51pm

Hi Karen,

My guess would be that nearly everyone on this board "hides" their debt to one extent or another from people. There are some who either have in the past or still are hiding debts even from their spouses. So you're not alone! It must be hard not even having a spouse to share your hard times with.

I've been on this board for three years, and if you had asked me early on, I would have said, yes, I hide my debt. Not even my parents (who had loaned me money) knew about the extent of our debt (my husband always knew, but he hid some debt from me).

Now, though, I am extremely forthright with anyone it comes up with. This board has taught me that I'm not alone, and I feel like when I share my debt, it allows other people to feel comfortable sharing theirs. And what has been brought to the light is never as scary or overwhelming as what is beneath the surface.

It helps too that at this point in my journey I'm pretty proud of how far we've come. We are under $15k in debt. We started at about $32k. And most of what is left is at very low rates. Dh's credit score has gone from the low 500's to the upper 700's. We haven't used credit (except the mortgage when we bought a house last year) in three years, not even when our air conditioner broke and the replacement came with a $3600 price tag, not even when dh's car had to be replaced.

I like to be able to share that it wasn't always like this. I like for people to know that at one time we were drowning in debt, behind on everything, unsure what to do, and scared and depressed and anxious. And that we still do dumb things, like overspend on ice cream and beer when there's no money left in the grocery budget, lol.

But that it can get better, with little baby steps toward the light.

So, anyway, that's my long-winded way of saying that no, I don't personally hide my debt. But I used to, and I think nearly everyone does at some time or another.

Oh, and by the way, I really agree with your points about the national debt and so on. It's such a shame, and I think it's going to lead to some pretty serious societal problems if not a complete collapse, if our government continues pretending it doesn't have to have money in order to spend money. And what a poor example for the rest of the nation!

Anyway, great question. Thanks.

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 7:54pm

Hi Karen--

Hiding the debt is exactly why I joined this group about a month ago. No one in my family knows what we are facing; I am ashamed beyond belief. My best friend of 25 years seems to think that my husband earns a killer salary, and that I am great with money. I finally broke it to her the other day. She's heard me talk about trying to pay this bill or that bill...she's a shopper (always bargains, but a shopper none the less!), I'm not, and that's probably why she thinks that way about me. She was shocked when I told her that we are strictly cash-only now, that I panic when my rent is due (she owns a house, we don't), and that we dug ourselves into a really big hole that we now realize that we need to get out of. Everyone in my family thinks we don't own a house simply because where i live, "The OC", houses go for $649k (and they are shoeboxes!), and that we are just staying in this area until DD finishes high school in a few years.

So glad you're here!

Hugs--
Kathy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 9:57pm

I definitely hid my debt. Only, I hid it from my husband. :-\ It was eating me up inside, and I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. It wasn't like I was out buying jewelry and fancy things....I ran up the credit card on normal things like utility bills and odds and ends. I don't know exactly why I never told him, but I didn't. As the guilt built up, I felt worthless as a person and as a wife. I know that sounds extreme, but my debt load was tearing me apart without someone to talk to about it and share the load....but I kept my secret. That is, until he found out last December. He took it very well, although I just cried and cried as I told him everything. I spilled my guts and asked for forgiveness, and he smiled and said there was nothing to forgive and we'd just work together on the bills from now on. My blood pressure dropped from 150/100 down to 120/80 after telling him.

As for other family members, like my folks, inlaws, siblings, etc, I don't tell them anything about my debt, and they don't share their financial status with me, and that's ok. Some of my relatives are the type to judge, so they don't need to know. LOL! :-D

Some parents at my son's sports practice do like to discuss their financial troubles (payday loans, bounced checks, etc), but honestly, we're all in the same financial boat with young kids, high gas prices, corporate cutbacks and layoffs, so with that group of people, I do feel able to open up a bit. It's almost like group therapy when we all talk during our children's practice. LOL! :-D

I guess it's up to you who you choose to share your debt with. Just know that you're not alone, and you are not your debt. That was something I had trouble seeing when I was still keeping my debt from my husband. Now I know the truth...I am not my debt, and I am not a bad person for having it. :-D

Pat

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 8:57am

We don't hide it at all. I have a couple good friends that ask how we are doing every month and look forward to hearing the numbers.

We started with almost $17k in June and now owe 10,695 on only 2 credit cards. We are hoping to be completely free of cc debt no later then this time next year.

The debt really drops when you decide that it has to go. We started budgeting and actually stopped using debt.

Shannon


Pregnancy%20ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 10:35am

Oh gosh Pat I was about to post almost the exact thing to this thread. That is what I did. I hid it from my husband for a few years! By the time I told him we were over $19,000 in debt. I was about to lose my mind with worry. I mean I could not sleep. I was always stressed. Our credit was awful. We could not make the minimum payments. It was bad. Once I told him it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders too. However, that was back in 1998. We were able to get through it. My husband was not as supportive as yours in the very beginning. He was very angry (with good reason) and I think he was disappointed. He was always bragging about how I had everything under control and how proud he was of me. I think the reason I ended up handling the bills is that my husband is military and he would go away for long periods of time and it was just easier for one person to handle the finances. Anyway, I told my husband back in 1998 and things are much better now. We were able to get our debt under control. We are not debt free but I don't let it get out of control now. Our credit is excellent now. So for all that are still in the situation there IS light at the end of the tunnel. You can make it!

Anyway, to answer the question in the thread. No, I don't volunteer my financial details to family members. I don't think it is any of their business. I never really put them in our business. Even when things were bad (and they got really bad in the late 90's) I would never ask them for financial help. I just did not want everyone knowing our business. That is just me though. That is probably why our credit was in such a bad shape during that time period.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:20am

happytobeamom2001,

You sound just like me. Only this is my current situation. I wake up almost every night at 4:30 AM with worry and can't get back to sleep. I worry about how am i going to pay what is due this weeke, etc., etc. I have two kids in schools that I have to pay tuition for, car payments, car insurance, rent, utilities, student loads from when my husband went to college when we were first married, plus credit card bills. How did you manage to get on the right track. My credit is so poor right now, I just don't even know where to begin. By the time I pay the things that I feel in order of imprtance, rent, tuition, car insurance, car payments, utilities, there is nothing and I mean nothing left to pay off the credit cards and incidentals. Where in the world do I start?

Tessybell831

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:47pm

I hid my debt for a long time, and in fact it was only once I started being honest about it that it started to improve. We continued to live a lifestyle we couldn't afford in order not to give our secret away! LOL. Once we were honest with our families, not details, just honest. It got easier.....

I was so stressed and felt like a total idiot for not being able to make it work. It was a real eye opener to me to realize that lot of people live beyond thier means. I think that the first step towards improving the situation is finding people you can be honset with, (like maybe us on the DSG board!), and then gradually making choices about what you are going to do, for a couple years we didn't give gift to our parent at Christmas, which probably saved us $ 400-500 dollar in debt a year.

Good question! By the way I agree with you about the government!