Is this the end???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Is this the end???
7
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 5:25am

I believe so. As I may have told you before I have approx $15,000 of debt that my husband does not know about. This is my 3rd time behind his back. The last time I told him he said that the next time I do it will be last of us. Now he is refinancing the house (which I am not on currently) and he wants to put me on the new mortgage. Last night he sat down and listed my ssn, work, etc. He is gonna find out isn't he? I mean is the loan officer is going to tell him, "Oh Mr. Hunter, Jennifer does not have $20,000 worth of debt she has $35,000"... oh my goodness I think I am gonna get sick!!

It looks like he is going with Washington Mutual (which is who he has now). My mom just went through WM to buy a new house and she has lots of debt too (see a trend - I should tell you about my Aunt Dee)... well WM only came back with credit scores, not balances or anything detailed. The reason I worry is because the last time we tried to do this several years ago, a loan officer sat down with my husband and my credit report and nit picked everything. My mom said that WM did nothing like that. When they were approved (they being my step father and her) just got an approval letter with their credit score and some other significant information to the mortgage itself.

I know I need to tell him, but I just can't. I don't want to lose my marriage, but at the same time I know I can't be truthful. Oh this is so painful. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off by myself, but then I think of my girls. I think RyanSara (my eldest) is not his biologically - would he drop her like a hot potato and just see Lindsay (our youngest)? I don't think so, but it runs through my mind.

Oh St. Jude.... please help me in my time of need!!!!

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 5:41am

Hi Jennifer,

what is the better option in your situation? You telling him before he finds out or him finding out on his own. Chances are that he'll be a lot more upset when he finds out on his own. Come clean with him, and then suggest something like money management councelling for you. Don't know if you have people that councel you on your spending. If nothing else, try the church you attend, if there is anyone there to help. Show your husband that you are really serious about your problem and then go from there. Maybe you guys need marriage councelling together to work things out as far as debt goes. Maybe, when you refinance your house you can put all your debts in there as well and then really work on your spending habit, which, from your post, seems to run in the family :). I say tell him before he finds out and ask for his help, cause you can't do it alone. Guys like that. You'll feel better, he'll feel better, cause you showed trust and asked for his help and together you'll work it out. A marriage is a "together" not a "I have to solve this alone" .... you need help, ask him for it.

Sushi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 12:27pm

Jennifer,

<> Your post brought me right back to where I was last December. So worried about the future of my marriage, once my debt secret was disclosed, that I was making myself sick. I, also, had those thoughts of whether I could make it on my own and what it would do to our son if his parents divorced. I kept thinking that I'd have to move back with my parents to get on my feet, but that is 900 miles away, so my son would have to be shuttled between homes or even more worrisome--fly alone between us. And I'd have to tell my parents about my debt. I know how horrible that feeling is.

Something my husband told me, when I finally told him everything, was this....he reminded me that when he married me, he promised to love me no matter what...good times, bad times, richer or poorer. And he also reminded me that, now that I told him the truth, things could not possibly get worse for us financially because he was going to do the bills and banking with me and have constant access to view the accounts anytime he wanted to. So from the moment I told him the truth, he said it could only get better. And you know what? It has. He has constant access to the accounts, but over the past few months, he has begun to trust me more with paying bills on my own and even let me handle our house refinancing to the point where all he had to do was show up and sign the papers! But the constant thought in the back of my mind is.....he can check the accounts at any time. That's what keeps me on track. He still sometimes asks, "What's our credit card balance?", to see if I'm going to give him a truthful answer, knowing again that he could go online and check if he wanted to. I admit I lost his trust financially, and I've worked hard this past 10 months to earn it back.

Perhaps this is something you should do also. Lay everything on the table, tell him how sorry you are, suggest that the house be only in his name if your debt is going to hurt the refinancing deal (he can add your name to the house later), and ask that you work as a team to fix things. In order to save your marriage, suggest that he take over all the bill paying and that, maybe, you give up your debit/credit cards and checkbook. When you want to buy something, tell your husband, and ask for cash. Or do what I did, at first, and show him my shopping list, and then bring him the cash register receipt when I got home to show him that I'd stuck to the list and gotten just what I had gone to the store for, nothing extra. In time, you will be able to earn his trust back. And please remind him that no where in your vows did it say "I promise to love this wonderful lady until she spends a little too much money and then I'm sending her packing". You are not your debt. You are a good person, so please try to keep that in mind as you go through this. I know it's hard, but things can get better on the other side of a secret. :-D

I wish you only the best!

Pat

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 2:18pm

Okay, if WM does not show him your report, but just sends back your scores, and your score is okay, then he will not find out the amount of debt, unless he pulls your credit report. Logically. So this should not be the end.

You need a plan. And somewhere in the plan has got to be a) when you are going to tell DH b.) what you are going to do when he finds out. That way you at least know you're covered. You don't need/deserve to live in anxiety, waiting for the shoe to drop. You are not your debt, and having debt does not make you a bad person.
The rest of the plan should be - how are you going to get the debt knocked out. You have the same amount of debt as we do, and our current plan calls for 15K of the debt to be gone in about 10 months. Can you live with this stress for 10 months?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 8:05pm

Thank you everyone for your support, advice and just plain listening. He spoke with WM today and they did not say anything about my credit report... just told him that based on all 3 agencies my score is in the mid to high 700s. His was in the 800s, however 4 years ago, someone stole his identity and took out a large lone with Beneficial. Though my husband reported it to the police, the agencies and to Beneficial it is still on his credit report as a default.

I know I need to tell him... I know. But I have been praying to give me strength to tell him and for myself overall. I feel calmer then I did this morning and feel a tad bit peaceful. When we talked about it I did not get that painfully warm tingly feeling I usually get when I talk to him about money. Maybe I getting my strength... maybe I am starting to see the light. Here's to St. Jude to keep the strength coming.

Thank you all again. Coming here today really gave me inspiration to prepare myself for what is right and what I need to do.

Thank you again!!

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 8:24pm
Jennifer, I know it's hard to imagine right now but, when you tell him you are going to feel a whole lot better. Right now you are carrying too much stress and it's going to end up making you sick if you allow it to contine. I think you should take a deep breath and spill your guts. He may be angry at first but he will calm down in time. And you will feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off your shoulders. A burden like this should be born by both of you together. Sit down and come up with a plan to repay - figure out how long it will take and what you can do to bring more money in and less money out. If you have a plan I think it will make it a lot easier for him to accept and you will already be on the road to financial recovery. Good luck and God bless! Debbie
Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 9:12pm
DH and I refi'd in June.

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 10:21pm

We just refi'd this past Wednesday (5th). We also had a huge stack of papers to sign, but our credit reports weren't part of it. Might be different for each loan company. We took ours out with Chase. We had lots of documents verifying our loan amount and interest rate, letting us know our 2nd mortgage loan account was going to be completely closed out once it was paid off through the refi, lots of signature examples to give, etc. The only way I found out our scores and how our credit looked was by asking the loan officer over the phone as we were going through the process, and just saying, "So...do we look ok?" LOL! :-D

Pat