Relief!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Relief!!!!!!!!!!
11
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 11:02am
My husband knows about everything!!! No we didn't talk (major problem #1)...I found out in a roundabout kind of way. He went for the refi and they did go over my credit report, but I believe it was by Mark's request (that was Friday and all he told me was that my score was in the high 7's and his in the 8's). Saturday morning we had a long drive to Cape May and he was joking around and started to sing the words "snuggie's (that's my nick name) credit report did not jive with what she said"... I just let it go... it was an oh by the way comment. I did not want to talk about it while the kids were with us. All weekend nothing... this morning I woke up and on the table were the refi papers and a written list of all my debts. I can not tell you the relief I felt. It's out!!!! He knows... there is no hiding... no more lying!! I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN. I am going to be completely truthful about money for now on - down to the penny. This is such a stupid, stupid game I play and I am sick of playing it! I walked out of the house lighter this morning... I carry a bag to work with me everyday. It holds my budget, my bills and anything else that has to do with my money.. it is black (how appropriate) and I call it the "the big black bag of lies". I left it home this morning. I very rarely leave it at home and if I do I hid it or panic all day that he is going through it.

It's funny my husband and I talk all the time. We are always laughing, joking and talking about this or that, but never money. Money is taboo. Money is a nasty little thing that could bring our marriage crumbling. He told me that if I charged up the cards again we would be done, but I did and we aren't. I know he does not want to leave me, I know he loves me, but this money issue is really a thorn in our marriage's side.

This is what I would like to do... I am hoping that my hubby agrees.

1) Get a marriage counselor. Why can't we talk about this? Why do I feel threatened by him when it comes to money? Why do I need to spend it so much? It is like a drug.

2) Combine our money. I don't think he will go for this, we did it in the past and we argued all the time. Every weekend go over the money and the bills TOGETHER. Be patient with each other and I need to be a little bit more humble when he proposes a good idea and I shot it down for whatever reason or vice versa.

3) (I think I can do this part, I need to look into it). So that the opportunity for him to look at my credit report at anytime to make sure that I am not charging . I believe you can pay for a yearly service to one of the credit agencies and you can look at your report anytime you want. Even if it is $100 a year, it is a good investment in regaining his trust in me.

My prayers to St. Jude have been working. I have been praying to him everyday. I plan on going to church again this weekend for strength. I have to say that I enjoy going and gaining strength. I feel like a hypocrite though since the Catholic Church and I do not agree on many things, but for now I need to idea of the Church to stay strong.

Thank all again for listening!!!!

Jennifer

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 12:04pm

Congratulations!

I read your message last week (Friday) and I was really intrigued/concerned by your situation. I actually came across this board last week ... I'm realizing that I have a spending habit that could eaily grow out of conrtrol if I don't take control of it now. All of my accounts are current, but I have about $2k in cc debt and I have grown accostomed to just spending a couple of hundred dollars at a time. Reading the stories of others struggles on this noard has really been a source of inspiration for me.

PLEASE follow through with your plans to get beyond this place and save your marriage. Your husband appears to really love you - depsite the dishonesty ... worth through where you are now to get to a better place. This feeling of clarity and light-heartedness that you feel can be yours everyday!

Blessings,
Nat

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 1:18pm

that is great! i think its wonderful that he is being so forgiving. have you actually "spoken" about it besides the comment in the car? I would make sure to get it out in the open, and go over a plan together about how to get out of the mess. I think marriage counseling sounds good, or just plan on financial counseling might do the trick.
you are very lucky to have an understanding husband. Hold on to him and show him that he can trust you.

kel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 1:56pm

YES!!!!!!!!!! :-D I had been praying and watching for an update from you. I am sooooo thrilled that it's all out in the open now. Isn't it a fantastic feeling to not hold that secret inside anymore?? Sure, when I told my hubby about my hidden debt, I still had a bit of guilt for about a week, but after that, when I was sure that we were 'really' ok as a couple, I was able to let that guilt go completely.

I like your ideas for moving forward from this. Dh and I didn't do the marriage counseling route because we fixed things so that there could be no secrets anymore. He has access to everything. I'm regaining control of the finances more, so that I can pay bills without him and make purchases without permission, etc....but in the back of my mind, I always know that he can just log-in to our online account information and check our bank records at any time of the day or night. Therefore, I can't have secrets anymore. I can't keep our balances away from him because he can look them up whenever he wants to. It's peace of mind, for me, because I know that there's just no possible way I can mess up again with him always watching. Things can never go back to how they were, and that's a tremendous blessing. His trust of me in the financial department is so much better now. I saw an email he had written last weekend to a family member who was complaining of her spouse hiding debt from her (40K), and my Dh responded to her saying that I handle the bills in the house and that I do a great job with them. That made me feel so good to know that I've come so far since last December when my secret came out.

I know what you mean about getting strength from church. Even when I don't feel up to going to church (yeah, yeah, I know...I should go more often :-D), I try to watch some sort of religious service on TV. I really like watching Joyce Meyers and Joel Osteen's shows. They're such a pick-me-up when I need it. :-D

Congrats to you! And remember, things will get even better and easier from this point out. The secret is gone forever! :-D

Pat :-D

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 2:17pm

Oh, Jennifer, I was worried about what you had posted earlier...I'm glad you updated. (Some women are beaten over situations like this.) I'm so happy your relationship withstood your secret. Now you can move on with honesty.

I'm so glad you're planning for the future. Maybe you could let him open all the mail everyday so he will feel like he's got all the information re: the bills. Give him the job of reconciling the checking account every month, too!

You're not a hypocrite at all...God doesn't care at all whether you believe in the Catholic Church's policies. God loves us even if we don't believe in anything at all!

Cupcake

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 2:50pm

I was just skimming through the board and came across your post. The last paragraph especially caught my attention. At the lowest point in our finances, when things were most out of control, I started asking St. Jude to pray for me too (for non-Catholics, St. Jude is the patron saint of lost causes). Pretty soon my financial life started to be not a lost cause after all.

And I have found that when I needed the Church, the Church was always there for me. No membership required, no "what are you doing here" - God is always there for you, and so is the Church.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 3:44am
Your story hit so close to home. I felt like a horrible person everyday. I couldn't sleep and was always worried about when everything was going to explode!!! I made sure he didn't see the statements and never left the house until i got the mail. it was getting to be too much. He caught on and went to the bank and opened up his own checking account. He had the teller print the statement and saw all the credit card payments. On a Friday morning next to my morning cup of coffee was the statement with hi-lites of the cc's. It was a relief but its still hard for me because I'm stuck paying all the credit cards and some. He told me the last time if i did it again it was over, we are still together but it has put a BIG strain on our marriage. TRUST is hard to earn back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 11:34am

You're right. Trust is very hard to earn back, but it's worth the effort. It really is. I did the 'hiding mail' thing, only I took it a step further. I knew our credit card statement would arrive between the 23rd and 25th of each month, so if that time period fell on a weekend when there was a chance my husband would get the mail before me, I would actually go to the post office a week ahead of time and tell them that we were "going away for the weekend" and I'd ask to have my mail stopped during that whole weekend!! I'd arrange for it to be redelivered the following Monday because my husband would be at work, and I could get the mail and hide the bill. He never caught on to me doing that. He just figured it was a slow mail day on the days he checked it and we didn't have anything in the box. Boy, am I glad I don't have to do that anymore!! That was a pain trying to stop the mail for that one weekend just about every month! LOL! :-D

Pat

Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 3:00am

Jennifer - thank you so much for updating.

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 1:02pm

Thanks everyone for your support. Pat!!! I did that once - stop the mail so that my husband would get the mail. It is not unheard of of us not getting mail, so I did it too. I felt so guilty, so horrible. I did not do it with credit card statements because I do everything on line. My statements are e-mailed to me to a private account that my husband does not know about. I deal with everything online.

jas-butterfly that sounds exactly what my husband would do. We have our own accounts because he does not trust me at all with money. I guess he did not want his name on the mess-ups - overdrafts and $0.05 in the account some days.

It does feel great to be out and free from the burden.

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 10:20pm
LOL....DH decided to not go to a one day trip. When the weekend came the postman thought it was "strange" that we had the mail held for that day. He kept asking where did we go.....how strange he thought it was...he kept going-on and on. Not the smartest thing to do when your postman and dh share jokes....ha-ha!!! DH mentioned he ran my credit for "free" so he knows how bad it is. You know I feel horrible but I can't take all the blame esp. if he refuses to "communicate" and would much rather hang out with buddies. He also likes to splurge. I knew it was wrong, it ate me up everyday, I was and still am depressed and miserable but I wonder if those feelings will go away once the debt is paid off or if its just not there anymore. He keeps saying that we need to put everything out in the open yet, he makes no effort to have this conversation. He mentioned divorce and I told him that if thats what he wanted he could go see an attorney. Then he said he would leave it up to me to decide. I don't know if has looked into ...sometimes i wonder if I'll be suprised with d-papers.
Its one of those relationships that everything he does is justifiable and what I do is questionable. He has issues too but he's in denial. I remember telling over a year ago we could be debt "free" but until you realize and take action it won't make a difference.

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