Relief!!!!!!!!!!
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Relief!!!!!!!!!!
| Thu, 10-13-2005 - 11:02am |
My husband knows about everything!!! No we didn't talk (major problem #1)...I found out in a roundabout kind of way. He went for the refi and they did go over my credit report, but I believe it was by Mark's request (that was Friday and all he told me was that my score was in the high 7's and his in the 8's). Saturday morning we had a long drive to Cape May and he was joking around and started to sing the words "snuggie's (that's my nick name) credit report did not jive with what she said"... I just let it go... it was an oh by the way comment. I did not want to talk about it while the kids were with us. All weekend nothing... this morning I woke up and on the table were the refi papers and a written list of all my debts. I can not tell you the relief I felt. It's out!!!! He knows... there is no hiding... no more lying!! I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN. I am going to be completely truthful about money for now on - down to the penny. This is such a stupid, stupid game I play and I am sick of playing it! I walked out of the house lighter this morning... I carry a bag to work with me everyday. It holds my budget, my bills and anything else that has to do with my money.. it is black (how appropriate) and I call it the "the big black bag of lies". I left it home this morning. I very rarely leave it at home and if I do I hid it or panic all day that he is going through it.
It's funny my husband and I talk all the time. We are always laughing, joking and talking about this or that, but never money. Money is taboo. Money is a nasty little thing that could bring our marriage crumbling. He told me that if I charged up the cards again we would be done, but I did and we aren't. I know he does not want to leave me, I know he loves me, but this money issue is really a thorn in our marriage's side.
This is what I would like to do... I am hoping that my hubby agrees.
1) Get a marriage counselor. Why can't we talk about this? Why do I feel threatened by him when it comes to money? Why do I need to spend it so much? It is like a drug.
2) Combine our money. I don't think he will go for this, we did it in the past and we argued all the time. Every weekend go over the money and the bills TOGETHER. Be patient with each other and I need to be a little bit more humble when he proposes a good idea and I shot it down for whatever reason or vice versa.
3) (I think I can do this part, I need to look into it). So that the opportunity for him to look at my credit report at anytime to make sure that I am not charging . I believe you can pay for a yearly service to one of the credit agencies and you can look at your report anytime you want. Even if it is $100 a year, it is a good investment in regaining his trust in me.
My prayers to St. Jude have been working. I have been praying to him everyday. I plan on going to church again this weekend for strength. I have to say that I enjoy going and gaining strength. I feel like a hypocrite though since the Catholic Church and I do not agree on many things, but for now I need to idea of the Church to stay strong.
Thank all again for listening!!!!
Jennifer
It's funny my husband and I talk all the time. We are always laughing, joking and talking about this or that, but never money. Money is taboo. Money is a nasty little thing that could bring our marriage crumbling. He told me that if I charged up the cards again we would be done, but I did and we aren't. I know he does not want to leave me, I know he loves me, but this money issue is really a thorn in our marriage's side.
This is what I would like to do... I am hoping that my hubby agrees.
1) Get a marriage counselor. Why can't we talk about this? Why do I feel threatened by him when it comes to money? Why do I need to spend it so much? It is like a drug.
2) Combine our money. I don't think he will go for this, we did it in the past and we argued all the time. Every weekend go over the money and the bills TOGETHER. Be patient with each other and I need to be a little bit more humble when he proposes a good idea and I shot it down for whatever reason or vice versa.
3) (I think I can do this part, I need to look into it). So that the opportunity for him to look at my credit report at anytime to make sure that I am not charging . I believe you can pay for a yearly service to one of the credit agencies and you can look at your report anytime you want. Even if it is $100 a year, it is a good investment in regaining his trust in me.
My prayers to St. Jude have been working. I have been praying to him everyday. I plan on going to church again this weekend for strength. I have to say that I enjoy going and gaining strength. I feel like a hypocrite though since the Catholic Church and I do not agree on many things, but for now I need to idea of the Church to stay strong.
Thank all again for listening!!!!
Jennifer

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The feelings of guilt that you have after your debt comes out in the open does go away. It takes some time. For the first week after my debt came out, I kept telling my husband that I was sorry for what I had done, and he would always say, "It's not that bad.", but I still felt awful. It was just something I had to deal with in my own time. After about a week, I had figured out a plan where I would buy nothing and really try to make extra payments to my creditors, which at the time included a 2nd mortgage, a credit card and a karate school loan. So that first month, I had an extra $200, and once I sent that payment in to my 2nd mortgage, the guilt went away. I knew what I had to do to repay the debts. I had to stop spending, and the more I stopped spending and saved, the better I felt.
Now, granted, our marriage didn't go from last December's 'debt outing' back to a super strong marriage over night. We literally have spent the last 10 months living as "friends", but not a married couple. Only occasional hugs and kisses when he's leaving for work, mostly initiated by me, and no intimacy at all. But it's getting better. Last night, my husband did something he hasn't done since the truth came out about our debt. He reached over and just simply took my hand when we were going to sleep. And he held it until we were both asleep. We're making progress. Little by little, I can see our marriage becoming what I want it to be.
Hang in there. I know it's hard. Having your spouse find out about your debt is a relief, no doubt about it, but there's more healing that needs to take place afterward. It's all worth it, though.
Pat
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