Hiding Debt Stories - post them here
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Hiding Debt Stories - post them here
| Thu, 10-13-2005 - 3:49pm |
As suggested by Heather, this is the thread where posters can post their stories about hiding debt from a spouse, as well as the story of coming clean and getting the debt out in the open.

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Well, my husband knows we're in debt to our eyeballs, but I haven't told him what our totals are...partially because I know he'll blow like a volcano, partially because I'm so shell-shocked by the numbers that even I don't believe it myself (somewhere around $18k, ALL cc debt since we rent and lease my car).
My family knows that we can't afford a house, but they think its because of some issues left over from my husband's ex-wife (trust me, if I ever see her in a dark alley she won't be a happy camper). My best friend, who's ex-husband filed for a BK years ago and had it come back to haunt her for a long time, knows that things are tight, but seems to have it in her head that because of DHs salary we get by with $ to spare. We don't. We get by paycheck to paycheck, and pray to God that we are okay day in, day out. Its a lousy way to live.
My DH has said, in $ arguments, that I don't show him the bills. But, I argue, they are in an organizer sitting on the kitchen counter, and I never see him look at them.
I felt better when I told DH that we are cash only now, and he's been really good about that. He doesn't run to the bank to withdraw $ all week long like before. He even asks me if there is enough for him to get some cash if he needs it.(He's 54, "old-school" and used to say that he didn't have to "ask" permission--I said it was just common courtesy to tell me if he took $20 so I didn't get hit with surprises at the end of the week!) I get the impression that with all he has on his plate at work (he's the boss-man) he doesn't really want to stress himself out with the numbers at home, but since we "sort-of" talked about getting out of debt and my strategy for it, he was supportive. BF knows I'm snowflaking and selling on eBay, but she doesn't know about collection agencies and my lack of sleep because of debt (which, thankfully, has been better since I found this group!).
Things will get better soon. But, I have NO INTENTION of telling my family about where we are. It's just no one else's business as far as I am concerned. I have told my best friend about all I care to, and though we will talk for hours about everything else, I feel our debt is on a need to know basis.
Hope this helps. Being here has helped me so much. i know that I am not alone, and I know now that I DO have a place to go for support, without being "tsk-tsk-tsk" to death.
Hugs and Best Wishes--
Kathy
Money and I have not always gotten along. :-D I've been married for almost 15 years, and in that time, I've caused trouble with our credit cards. The first two times, I ran our cards to the maximum without telling my husband. Of course, he eventually found out. The first time when we were planning to buy a house, second time when Dh wanted to have a romantic trip to the mountains (pre-kids) and I had to admit to him that there was no money left on our cards to make the reservation, and then the most recent time (and last! I've had it with secrets! :-D) was in December of 2004.
Leading up to that, I had made some unwise purchases, not buying anything fancy or expensive, but just little odds and ends, seasonal decorations, clothing, bed linens, kids' toys, etc, and I had taken our card up to 10K. My husband was under the impression that we were almost out of credit card debt, so naturally, I couldn't tell him. Not a third time. So I kept the secret for a year, all of 2004, and it hurt me not only emotionally but also physically. My weight went from 200lbs, all the way up to 304lbs. My blood pressure skyrocketed from a normal 120/80 up to 150/100. I could'nt sleep, I couldn't breathe. I had chest pains. I felt horrible, and I felt I deserved to feel that way because of what I had done. I didn't understand that I was "not" my debt. That yes, I'd done something wrong, but it didn't make me a bad person. I had made a mistake. But at the time, I couldn't see that. The only thing that felt clear in my mind was that I was going to lose my husband when he found out, our son would have to go through a divorce with us, and that he'd have to be shuttled back and forth between us, from different states, and that my family would also find out what I had done. I also feared that even they wouldn't take me in after they heard what I had done.
It all came out when my husband told me he had a copy of Quicken on his new work laptop, and he wanted to put all our banking information into it. I panicked and tried to get out of it by saying, "Why are you taking my job from me? I've always handled the bills...why would you take my job? Please don't take my job?" In hindsight, that was silly to do because he knew something was up then. But I gave him the bank account information, and I went upstairs to stay away from him before he could see all the transfers in my attempt to move money around to cover debts. Then after he entered all that information, he came up and said, "Where's the credit card information?", and I said, "I don't want you to see it". He smiled and asked, "Why?", and I said, "Because you're not going to like it". I started crying and went to my purse where it was hidden, and I gave it to him. Then I sat on the couch and cried and spilled my guts. I told him everything that I had done. I told him how miserable I felt, how rotten a person I felt I was, how he should just divorce me, and how I was just bad bad bad. To my surprise, he said that he didn't think it was as bad as I thought, that it was "only 10K", and that we'd just handle the bills together from now on. He said that he had done dumb things with money in the past too, and that I'd always forgiven him, and now it was his turn. He also said that he promised to love me no matter what, and that included loving me through this.
We now do the bills together, and he has 24/7 online access to our accounts. I have worked super hard to regain his trust. I can tell you that live is better on the other side of a secret, and I will never ever do this again. Life is great with honesty.
Danni
cl-phocid, Debt Support Group
Snowflaking 2005 - Join Us!
All my best,
Danni
Here are links to other threads that also discuss hiding debt.
Is this the end?
All my best,
Danni
Hate to be a wet blanket...
BUT I feel I must issue a word of caution to women who are considering "outing" an unknown debt to their husbands. If you have any history of violence or abuse in your family, do this only with a counsellor's help.
My story and reason for stating this...My (now ex) husband was very controlling, verbally abusive and occasionally violent (throwing things at me, breaking furniture, etc.) We were having moderate financial difficulties late in the marriage, juggling credit card payments, etc., due to him losing jobs and making some poor financial choices. I, with his knowledge--which he later denied, rolled a CC into a lower rate card. He tried to use the old card, was declined, became enraged, claiming I did it behind his back. Then the new cc bill came in the mail with the old balance. He lost it completely, shoved me into a wall, and started strangling me. Thus, the end of the marriage.
My point is, please only do this disclosure if you are absolutely sure you can trust your spouse to be able to handle it. It's not worth it, otherwise. I would hate for someone to be hurt.
Older and wiser Cupcake
Good advice. When I outed my debt to my husband, I knew he'd never hurt me. He's not a violent man, and truth be told, I'm larger and stronger than he is, so I've never been concerned about him being rough with me. My concern in telling my husband about my hidden debt was just the fear of divorce. I felt rotten and guilty for not telling him, and I was VERY afraid of having to start over again after being a stay at home Mom for so long. I stopped working in 1994 so we could begin our family, and the computer programs I learned in college are not even being used anymore! LOL! How would I support myself and my son? Would I get to keep my son? It was just the fear and guilt that I was afraid of.
But yes....those women who are in relationships with men who are prone to violence should be careful. Thanks again for bringing this up.
Pat
I was also mail-obsessed. We only have one card, but I knew the bill came in between the 23rd and 25th of each month. If those days fell on a weekend when I was certain my husband might get to the mailbox before me, I'd just stop by the post office a few days ahead of time and notify them that we were "going away for the weekend" and needed our mail stopped until Monday. My husband would go to the box and say, "Hmm...no mail today", and I'd act like nothing was out of the ordinary. I was so happy when my debt was out in the open and I no longer had to do this. I was so proud to be able to go to the post office in late August and put a hold on our mail for a "legitimate" vacation, rather than a lie.
Pat
Oops! I suggested this thread, and then forgot to post! Sorry...
Okay, here goes.
My story comes from the other side--it was my dh who hid the debt. Now, mind you, we were already more than $30k in debt that I *knew* about, so it would seem like another $1k wouldn't be a big deal. But it was, precisely because of the fact that it was hidden.
Back before we had kids and before our debt problems really came to a head, dh had run up some debts traveling for his company. Thanks to his ineffective record keeping, he failed to claim reimbursements for about $1000 worth of debt. This I knew about. I asked him how he was going to deal with it. He said he just would. So I left it alone.
Over the next year or two, I would ask him about it, and he would say he was taking care of it. One time, I got a bill and opened it, and discovered that it had not been taken care of at all. I showed it to him and said that I was going to start taking care of it. He said no, that it was his mistake and that he was going to deal with it.
So, another year passes, and every time he spends his money on something, I wonder (and sometimes ask) how he's managing to pay his debt if he keeps spending every penny he gets. He says he's taking care of it and not to worry about it. I even offer occasionally to make the payments for him, just so I won't feel stressed about the not knowing. He says no, he's taking care of it.
We hit rock bottom with our joint debt, and take drastic measures. Once that's all under control, I order our credit reports so I can see where we stand. Somehow, all three of my reports arrive, but his never do. I ask him to call and ask about it. He says he has and that he can't imagine what has become of the reports.
After ordering them a second time, and their not arriving, I've gone beyond being a little suspicious. So I order his reports online. They arrive instantaneously, and he must face the music. Except he doesn't. "What?" he says, staring blankly at the report. It says his checking account had gone to collections and his $1000 debt had been charged off. He claims total ignorance.
I absolutely lost my mind. I was so angry. I shouted till I was blue in the face. Dh sat and took it.
To this day, he has never actually owned up to what he did--to hiding the credit reports and hiding the collection notices, and so on. But he doesn't deny it, and he has been very cooperative in taking measures to fix the problem.
The truth is, we have both made financial mistakes, and as much as it frustrates me that he's not good with money, I admire the work he does to fix the problem. What was so devastating about the hidden debt, though, was the lengths to which he went to deceive me. It really undermined my trust in him.
It's been nearly three years now, and I still can't trust him with even a $20 bill. He has graduated to having a credit card that he uses for business expenses again, but I log on regularly and check its balance. It's a good thing, too, because he recently made the same mistake (on a smaller scale) and ended up having to pay $50 out of his pocket. He would never have noticed if I hadn't been checking up on him. I can only hope he would at least have told me about it when it eventually got out of hand (as I have no doubt it would have).
We've come a long way, and he's certainly gotten better about things. I wish he had at some point truly come clean about the lies and deception. It still bothers me that he was and maybe still is capable of the deception. He says he did it because he didn't want me to have to worry. I know others here have said they've done the same thing for the same reasons, so I believe him. And he takes it like a man when I take charge and insist on certain financial decisions. So we're slowly healing the damage.
And, of course, he has many other qualities that make the effort worth it. I love him, and we are working it through. One of the things I love about him is his willingness to see his faults and work on them. And he is doing that, and for that I'm grateful.
So, that's my story of hidden debt. I hope it can help someone.
Heather
Adding a couple more threads to this thread.
1.
All my best,
Danni
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