I have had ENOUGH!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
I have had ENOUGH!!!
6
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 2:14pm
I am just sick and tired!! DH was supposed to do a roofing job yesterday for extra $$. Well he left about 10am and was back at 1pm. I was very surprised. He was acting very wierd. He told me that he didn't work on the roof and instead he met up with a buddy from work at a dirt race track. (It's for those gas and electric powered car and truck remote control things) Anyways, he goes don't get mad and he pulls one of those things from behind his back. I said,"And how much did that cost?" He said, "$100.00" I just walked out of the room. I was so mad. I scrimp and save and would never ever dream of blowing a hundred dollars on something without talking with him about it. I eat breakfast and lunch from home almost everyday. He goes out to eat for both. I am trying to plan for our future wherever it may go. (We are trying to get to the point when we can buy a house) I am 25 years old and I am sick of living in this cramped apartment. I am sick of living paycheck to paycheck. I am sick of counting every dollar while he goes out and can't keep a dollar in his pocket.
So I told my son that we were going to go out to a pumpkin patch to get pumpkins I asked DH if he wanted to go along. Well he "forgot" how to get there. I had to give him directions. I said, "I can't believe you don't remember how to get there." He says, "It's been a year since I have been out here stupid." I proceeded to tell him that he was the stupid one for flushing our future down the toliet with blowing money on stupid toys. Needless to say we didn't get any pumpkins and went straight home. I told my son to get into my car and we left. I went to my parents.. thank God they were camping this weekend. My 18 year old sister was home and I just vented to her. I spent the night there and came home this morning. DH was on the couch and when I opened the door I woke him up. DH did not say a word to me, he got dressed put on his shoes and left in his truck. I think he is doing that roofing job today.
I just can't keep on going on like this. I can't be with someone who says they have the same financial goals I do, but then when it comes to money acts completely opossite. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier by myself, but then I think of my child and it kills me to think that his father would not be in his life as much. I know if we were to split up he would pack his things and move back to North Carolina because that is were all his family is. We currently live in Indiana, were all my family is. I am tired of trying to talk to him. He doesn't like to communicate anyways. I am just so SICK AND TIRED.........
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 2:45pm
I am sorry to hear about your financial problems with your husband. It sounds like you want to buy a house more than he does and that your financial goals aren't the same. This is definately one of the biggest reasons for marriages breaking up and I guess I can see why. I truely believe that money problems in a marriage are a symptom of something else wrong. Whether its lack of communication, lack of respect, whatever; it shows up in money problems. If you are truely serious about divorcing this man, do it now before things get any worse and you come out of the relationship with more debt and ruined credit. The bottom line is that you either both contribute to the relationship and give 100% and it works or one of you does all the work and it DOESN'T work. He isn't valueing or respecting the direction that you want your relationship to go, and in doing that he is showing you that he doesn't respect you. Part of being a man, particularily, a father and husband is understanding your wife's need for security and safety, both physically and financially, and actually ACTING on that knowledge! The physical is usually pretty obvious, the financial, unfortunately gets overlooked way too often. Don't wait until you are 35 to decide your aren't happy. I waited until I was 32. I am now 34. I wasted 12 years being miserable with him and found happiness and financial freedom in only 2 years without him! Go figure! Good luck on whatever you decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 2:52pm

Wow, you sound like you've really had it. You must be really angry with your dh (and I imagine "d" does not stand for "dear" at the moment).

I'd be pretty pissed too. I think I'd also be thinking of leaving. I am so sorry you are going through this!

It sounds like you need to have (another, if necessary) serious sit-down with dh, prreferably while your child is not present (maybe visiting grandparents). I think he needs to hear how angry you are and the reasons for your frustration and anger. He needs to see the numbers, and understand how hard you are trying to get things together, and how much you need his help and support.

If necessary, seek professional assistance. It may seem like just another expense when you can't afford it, but if you and your dh can work together, you will get ahead so much faster. You're not likely to ever get ahead as long as one of you is undermining the other.

If dh doesn't seem ready to cooperate, you might need to make some difficult choices. You need to consider the true value of having someone in your child's life who demonstrates not only poor money management skills (a flaw that many of us share and that in itself does not necessarily add up to bad parenting!), but also poor relationship skills, lack of respect for his partner and life mate, and, ultimately, lack of respect for your children who rely on both the parents to take care of their resources for them.

On the other hand, perhaps your dh is angry right now because he knows he's wrong and he's feeling defensive. It sucks to be in the wrong, and it's hard to feel ready to cooperate and admit guilt when you're feeling defensive. Maybe he needs an "out" so he can feel right about himself before he is able to bend a bit.

You could try, when you've cooled off, approaching him in a loving manner and first building his self esteem. Tell him how much you appreciate (whatever it is you appreciate), and that you know he wants only the best for your family. You can share with him how difficult it is for you to make whatever changes you find difficult (for me, I am good with money, but bad with my temper--so that is where I would start, by admitting how hard it is for me to control my outbursts, and so how I can imagine it must be similarly difficult for him to control his buying impulses). Then, and only then, ask him what you can do to help him help you manage your resources better.

Of course, if you're going to try the "soft touch" approach, don't threaten to leave if he doesn't cooperate. Save that for if it gets ugly and you've lost hope of ever getting through to him.

Whatever you do, know that I'm thinking of you and holding you in the light. I hope you are able to reach a resolution that is fair and good for all of you, especially your precious little one.

Blessings,

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 5:26pm

(((HUGS)))).

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 6:48pm


When the dust settles, try and talk things out with him calmly. I know it's hard at times. My husband used to talk about upgrading his computer all the time, $200 here, $500 there, etc, and when I protested his purchases, he would say, "Hey, that's why they pay me the big bucks...so I can enjoy myself". I heard about his "Big Bucks" so much that it was sickening. He had no idea of just what we were spending on normal living expenses. I was robbing Peter to pay Paul. I was moving money around between accounts, and granted, I had some debt hidden, but we weren't (and aren't) rich. If we were, we wouldn't be in the debt we're in. LOL!

Since my hidden debt has come out and my husband has taken more interest in what we're paying for things, he is shocked at just what things cost. He really had no idea because he never cared to check. I did all the household purchases, and he just had no clue. Even today, he wanted some bolts to attach his drill press to his workbench, and then another set of four screws/washers/wingnuts to hook a vise to the drill press. I went out and got exactly what he wanted, nothing more, and when I got home, he asked how much it cost. I handed him the receipt, and he literally jumped back and said, "$20 for bolts?! I had no idea they cost that much! Geez...$20 dollars for just a bunch of little bolts!..."

Last week, he told me that his friend had huge heating bills last year, and he said, "They were over $100! How do you get a bill that big?", and I said, "Honey, ours were $180 last year", and he nearly fell over. He said, "Really?? That much?? But how??", and I told him calmly that that's just how much things cost.

Does your husband know just how much you're scrimping and saving? Does he know that you're making the sacrifices of bringing your lunches from home, etc, while he goes out and spends money willy-nilly?

I hope the two of you can talk this out. I know how frustrating it is, though. Many times I've wanted to just run away too. Like you, it was the thought of what my son would go through that made me come back and try to work things out.

Keep us updated. I hope everything works out.

Pat

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 8:06pm
I find myself in a similar situation. My DH blows money on anything. It was his idea to give him an allowance of $10 per day. I don't give myself an allowance. One day I came across a friend of his and he mentioned, how DH never has money to buy beer when they hang out. I nearly exploded and said, he gets to eat breakfast and lunch out everyday while i get a bowl of cereal and leftover dinner. Plus he has a choice to either buy cigs/beer or eat. Oh yeah! he bought a $400. racing car, a mountain bike and assessories, tools, baseball bat...all to end up selling them for less. Its ok if he uses cc to buy his toys because he has it " undercontrol." He also added $500 dollars to the gas card for cigarettes. He can't seem to except how much money he blows away on cigs/beer. Its 2-3 pks per day and every other day beer. Its over $1500 a yr. Yet, he complains that I can never save money. We could use this money for a family trip, remodeling etc. he has made bad choices too but I always am to blame. I have wondered the same thing - if i would be better off with my daughters living alone..... we pretty much are alone anyways. I'm tired of money and being/feeling alone.
After our last bow out, he decided to open his own acct. I'm so what relieved but still find myself being frustrated because now it hurts for him to let go of his money. Somethings don't change because he continues to invest in beer/cigs. I had to give up my cc and yet he carries one in his wallet. I am more determined to pay off my debt and save $$$ because I really have no idea what my future holds. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:35pm

I haven't read the other responses, but I'd like to share my experience with you...

When I was 20, I married a guy who wasn't the best in the bunch, but didn't realize it at the time. By the time I was 22, we had our daughter. We were living with his parents, partly due to finances, partly due to the fact that his father had had a crippling stroke and his mother worked part-time at night, so that way someone was always with him. Anyway, right after I gave birth, my husband got fired from his job, a job that I helped him get. THAT was embarrassing. He got another, better, job, and when our DD was six months old he "allegedly" hurt his back on the job, and ended up on Workers Comp/Disability. We had no money coming in besides his checks, and when I suggested that i get a job at night so that I could care for our daughter during the day, he freaked out. Long story short, this went on for quite a while, and I got tired of living that way...so I left him and filed for divorce when DD was 18 months old. PS--He only recently got a job, 15 years later!! His mother passed away, and now he has the house...

When I was 30, I married a guy who ALSO wasn't the guy that I thought he was. He was working on his degree, taking student loans left and right. I had gone back to college part-time at 24, and ended up quitting school and taking a full-time job to have a steady income for when we got married. I even made the engagement last for 18 months so that I could be sure that this was right for me and my daughter. I had to push him to get at least a part-time job to contribute to our finances as there was no way that I was going to be the sole-income. He had every excuse in the world as to why he couldn't get a job, like it was going to interfere with his classes (not that he was truly applying himself to begin with). I told him that he either got a job, or the wedding was off. He got a job real quick after that! Anyway, shortly after we got married his brother killed himself (early summer, a week after the semester had ended). When August rolled around, I was wondering where his student loan check was because we had some expenses coming, not to mention bills left from our wedding. He finally admitted that he wasn't getting a student loan because he had been placed on probation due to his grades (remember, I said he hadn't been applying himself!). I was furious, and when I asked him what his excuse was, he said that because of his brother's suicide, he "choked" on his finals...I then pointed out to him that his brother killed himself AFTER finals. I could not believe that he was cheap enough to use his brother as an excuse! He swore up and down that he'd do better in school since he was now on probation, and he'd apply for aid again for the spring semester.

By December my car was failing rapidly, and he suggested after the holidays that we go look for a new car. So in mid-January, we looked at cars, and i found a really nice two-year-old Honda with leather seats and low mileage that we decided to buy. He told the salesman that we could put $7k down. I said, "from what?" and he said from his student loan check. So, I took money from my seperate savings account (see, I learned SOMETHING from marriage #1!) and put that down on the car, and hubby signed saying we'd give them another $7k in two weeks. Off we drove in my car, traded in my clunker, and two weeks went by and the student loan check never surfaced. Turns out, he really didn't know for sure at that point whether or not it was actually coming, and I was scrambling to come up with $7k or face having NO CAR AT ALL. I was furious, and threatened divorce. Miracle of miracles, the check arrived the night before the money was due. He swore up and down that he had learned his lesson...

Within six months, he did it again. He had graduated (actually, he walked, but really had one more class to go). When I said that now that school was over and he could now go to full time hours, he had another excuse as to why he couldn't do that...and with that, I had just had ENOUGH. I had one kid already, and was tired of being married to another one. I told him to get out and not come back. He then threatened me with having to pay back his student loans. I said, you know what buddy, I never signed anything, I worked full-time and he was part-time, I paid almost all of our living expenses and there was no way in hell I was going to get stuck with that on top of paying rent on my apartment and now my new car payment. He left quietly, I gave him back my wedding rings (that he got at TIFFANY!! THEY WERE WORTH THOUSANDS!)and I sent him packing.

I remarried again a few years ago, LEARNED MY LESSON: That only I can make myself happy. I didn't deserve the two morons that I married, and was lucky enough to find a great guy that is honest and hard working. Yeah, we got ourselves into debt (hence why I am here!) but when I had OUR DD and later our DS, we decided that I would stay home due to day care costs in our area.

Sorry so long, but I just wanted you to know that I have BTDT, and my thoughts are with you. Only you can decide what is best for you. But the best thing FOR ME was to leave the losers that I married. I had my daughter to think about, and what message I was sending to her about responsiblity, not to mention that we each deserved to be happy instead of miserable all the time.

Hang in there!

Kathy

  Image hosting by Photobucket