Welcome to my nightmare

Avatar for amerline
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Welcome to my nightmare
3
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 1:46pm

Hi, I just found this board today (someone from frugal living sent me over).

I've been reading and can empathize with many of your stories. Like some other members, I have a husband who overspends. Last fall I had him start to take care of the bills hoping he would see that we have a limited amount of spending money left after the essentials. Big mistake. It was like putting the fox in charge of the henhouse. All the bills got paid, but as soon as he saw a credit card was below the limit, he charged it right back up to the limit. As far as I can tell he was spending around $3000 a month. Its hard to know because he was not exactly up front about it.

He also had all cc bills sent to his work address. When I would ask him for logins and passwords to view accts online he would claim he forgot, or that he would have to check his work computer.

I read about many ways that some of you hid things from your husbands and my DH appears to have had similar tactics.

Tomorrow I meet w. a credit counselor, but I think I will just pay things down myself--I told DH that I need to take over check writing again, but this time he can't have a credit card. Its hard because I know he can get a credit card w/o telling me as he has done in the past.

Our total consumer debt (cc plus car loan) is over 100% of our annual income. Fortunately our mortgage is low, but I think its going to be hard to pay it all back.

I would like for him to sell some(or most) of the stuff he bought on credit (eg DVDs), but I know he won't want to do this. But I don't think our son and I should suffer for DH's misdeeds.

A year ago I looked to see if there was a 12-step group for spouses of debtors. I even wrote to debtors anon and asked them, but couldn't find one. It seems like a fairly common problem and I need help knowing how to not enable his overspending. I am like those of you who always bring lunch to work while DH dines out almost every day. I haven't had a haircut or manicure in 6 months, but he buys every gadget that catches his eye.

Thanks for letting me vent, thanks for having this community.

Alicia

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 2:26pm
Welcome to the board Alicia. I think (certainly hope) you'll find the kind of support you are looking for here. You need some good ideas on how to gain control of the situation before it gets ANY worse and I think you'll get some great responses from those who've "been there done that". Best of luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 5:35pm

Wow, I can sympathize with your problems. I wish I knew something that would help you.
You're right - you and your son shouldn't have to suffer because of his spending.

One thing though...my husband has the same problem - whenever there is space on his credit card, he charges it up. Without even really realizing he does this.

His name isn't on my cards though, and his limit is only a thousand. So I focus all my extra energy on paying off my cards and our car loan, and we just pay the minimum on his card. I figure by the time the other debt is gone, he'll have figured out he does this.
(He can't get the limit raised because it's a student card).

Oh. I don't know if this will help at all, but my DH will not buy lunch if I make him a lunch. He rarely makes his own lunch though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 5:43pm

Same here on husbands packing their lunch from home. My Dh won't pack a lunch unless it's my homemade lasanga. It's his own Dad's recipe, and I learned it when I was dating him. So, on Sunday, I make a fresh tray of lasanga, and he takes it every day for work during the week after. Rather than leaving it in a big hunk, I cut it into squares that he can just pick up easily with a fork (no cutting required), and put it into a tupperware type container in an insulated small cooler (the kind that holds 6 soda cans) with an ice pack. I pack him a soda wrapped in foil (just like we used to have when we were on field trips back in the good ol' days ;-D) so it'll stay cold, and he loves it. If there's no lasanga, though, he just buys his lunch at burger king or goes out with the guys to somewhere more expensive.

Pat