Frustrated & Annoyed!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
Frustrated & Annoyed!!!!!
7
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 11:23pm
I really don't know how to approach this without starting an arguement with my not so dh. I stepped up to the plate and i'm taking 100% full responsibility on paying approx. $900 in cc every month along with other houshold expenses. Although, he did use some the cc is besides the point. He is constantly stating, how he doesn't have money yet manages well to eat out everyday, buy beer and cigs and eat breakfast on the weekends. (You would think he would at least bring breakfast home). I'm so fed up lately....he continues to BRAG about what he is able to buy. Yes!!! this is the same dh that claims he has no money. I could care less if got a deal buying rims for his car and saved money. He gets upset with me because I won't buy food (eat out) on the weekends. So he goes and buys himself food and eats it in front of us. My daughters are so hur t by this. When i left to go buy groceries he told my daughter. "looks like moms going to be mad for a long time." My daughter replied, "give her a break she has no money and if she did she would buys us all food." I'm not suprised to his low tactics. I can't afford to eat out every weekend especially
if I have to buy groceries, pay tuition and lunch money for the girls. I don't know how much more I can do this. Right now, I just can't stand the sight of looking at him. Any body have any advice???? Sure would like to hear from you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 6:51am

I have no advice but I feel the same way about my DH. he is such a jerk about it right now. He spends all his money for the week on crap then gets mad at me because I dotn have any left to give him.

I am tempted to let his car run out of gas this week to show him how to budget"Well dear, if you didnt spend 15.00 on beer in three days then you would have plenty of gas money"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 7:31am

I'm going through something similar. My husband has taken up multiple hobbies over the past few weeks. He's taken up painting (with all the costs of the supplies...but yet hasn't touched any of it after the first weekend, so the easel, paints, etc are all just sitting there waiting for him), cooking (he needs the nicest gadgets that he sees on the Food Network, etc), and woodworking (tools, wood, etc). Now, granted, none of these purchases are going on the credit card, so that's a good thing. But then he'll come home from the store and turn to our son and say, "Go back and turn off the bathroom light. We don't want to waste money". And I sit there aghast and think, "Huh?? You just spent all this money and you're worried about a few cents of electricity being used by a single bathroom bulb??" Honestly, he has spent about $500 recently on his hobbies, and when I told him that our trash company wanted to charge us an additional $15 to haul away a non-working lawnmower and some old wood, he said, "Fifteen dollars!?! I could bring it to a small engine shop and give it to them for less!!!" But ya know what? I paid the $15, and it's going to be hauled away this morning. LOL! :-D Because I know who would have had the job of hauling it away to the small engine shop, as well as having the job of even finding a small engine shop in our area.....ME!! So I did it my own way. It just makes me cringe every time he says "....we don't want to waste money!" Just drives me bonkers. LOL! :-D

Although, I think he's getting the clue because when he found out Ds and I were both going to the dentist for our cleanings this week, he said, "I should go too. I've waited too long, and I probably have a lot of work that needs to be done", and I turned to him and said, "Well, you better wait then, until we know we can afford to pay for it. Ds and I can go now because I know we won't have any additional expenses for extra work." And he nodded and said, "Yeah....." and I hope that meant that he understands that if he hadn't bought all this stuff, he'd have the cash-in-hand to go get multiple procedures done if he needed it (filings, maybe a crown or something). It's just a matter of priorities.

I wish I had advice for you, but I really don't. I can just tell you you're not alone. :-D

Pat :-D

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 9:53am
When i read your post, I thought...are you sure this is about money? I mean...really?
I mean when two people LOVE each other, then the goal isn't to see how bad you can make the other one feel.. I mean, bringing breakfast home and eating it in front of you and your kids? that is too mean. We are all only human, but for petes sake, keep the kids out of it. No matter what the issue is that my dh and i are quarreling about, you bring the kids into it, it is OVER. I almost left my husband about a year and a half ago over this. Anyhow, when you say you put $900 towards the credit cards, is that way more than the minimums? Are you stretching yourself too thin? Are YOU going overboard by changing the way you live too drastically to reduce your debt? (Maybe not too drastic for you, but too drastic for the well-being of your family?) It isn't going to help to pay $2500/ month towards them if he is going to sabotage your efforts left and right. I think this is seriously where I would get my name off all the joint bills, hand over the rest, and say "here. deal with it." It sounds like a control issue as much as a money issue. What would happen if he took control for awhile?
Sorry, I don't have any real advice, but i just wanted to tell you to hang your head high and keep going. Good luck.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 11:11am

I don't know all about your situation, but I have to agree with the person who suggested that his behavior isn't about money. Married people know they have a partnership and do not do things that are hurtful to the other. Additionally, he is clearly doing things that are meant to be hurtful to the children. I think you need to look at the bigger issues, maybe through marriage counseling. There may be reasons other than plain selfishness that are causing him to act this way.

This is not an easy thing to suggest. There are lots of husbands on board members who don't "get" the family's financial situation. I had to have a very unpleasant conversation with my husband once when he seemed to think his weekend job was optional. Fortunately it only took one time. I think the issue you are dealing with is deeper than not accepting financial reality, because your husband is being not just passive-aggressive but outright aggressive.

Kelly

Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 12:07pm

HI there - (((hugs))) - your situation sounds difficult to say the least.


I have to agree with other posters here that this sounds like it's not about money at all.

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 4:39pm
I feel like he's trying to break me down.... He did his share of the financial screw-ups. He borrowed money from work on several occasions to fix his classic car. He also buys high quality tools/ toy car collectors. His last raise was like a bomb being dropped on me....it was "I got a raise and I borrowed money from work to do the A/C." He also assured me (again) that the money that was being deducted would not effect his pay; it would remain the same. Obviously, the more you make the more they take. His pay was $500.less per mo. Then, he was upset because I wasn't "happy" that he got a raise. He also bought a car for DD and made payment arrangements with his friend,assuring me that the payments would be no more than $100 p/mo. I thought, ok we could afford this..well... the 1st payment was $350; he reason was to pay it off faster. I had even told him why would he do that without checking to see, if we could afford that. He's bought many things, once the "show & tell" is over he either gives them away or sells for alot less; some of these purchases have been with cc. My favorite, during the time he was laid off and finally got a job after 9 mos. He decided it was time to purchase a NEW car. I had told him there was no need for it and that his car was running just fine. I prayed so hard that they would deny us the car but no, we were approved. Now I had to figure out how was I going to make 3 car payments and insurance. Again, being assured that the payment was going to be less and ins. WRONG AGAIN!!! I had to pay off the other car w/cc to reduce the payment and ins. I was assured that he would sell the car in less than a week, It took a year. After, he sold the car, he had the nerve to ask if he could keep the money to finish paying for the engine to his classic.(Yep, I cleaned up his mess!!)He was so upset that during the time he was laid off, I used cc to make ends meet. He couldn't undersatnd WHY and yet, our credit was good and we still had everything. He also used the gas card to buy cigs = $500; reason they are on sale. I even explained that I use cc's to buy things that benefit us not ME only.(Right now I'm paying back 3 gas cards but I will let him clean up his mess of the $500. So yes, he has done his share of the damage. It didn't matter how much I would tell him not to borrow money, or keep buying toys, tools and cars. He spends approx. $2200 per year on cigs alone and $20 every other day on beer (not including weekends when the guys come over. yep...same dad that is flat broke.
It breaks my heart that I can't give the girls things that they ask for(right now). I think they are only going to resent him more. If he wants to "teach me a lesson" and won't help "clean up my mess(again)" that's fine but I resent the fact that he is putting them in between. I'm so depressed about the holidays, which is another problem because he felt that since I was the buying the gifts, that I was trying to buy their love. I told him he could've gone shopping with me, normally, he would just ask what the girls want and no I don't need to buy their love with gifts. I have been buying gifts for several years and now he decides to throw this at me. He hold no problem buying gifts for his co-workers using the cc. I will get the girls what I can but I will let him handle the shopping this year. I am trying so hard to pay the cc's; I do see progress slowly but damn it so hard hard when I get no positive recognition....only reminders that I created this mess and brought upon myself!!! I would be happy just not hearing him say anything at all.
Thanks, for letting me vent some more....... ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 12:04am
I pay $900 a month for cc's (min) without his help. He felt that I kept this from him so he refuses to clean up my mess! Which I have been paying on time. I get paid once a month and can barely make that stretch till next pay-period. So i decided to cut eating out. He feels that he contributes to the household finances such mrtg, utilites, his car pymt. lawn and he pays ins for our cars (but that will end come Jan). As far as removing my name off the joint bills, we are both responsibIe; if I decided not to pay them they would most likely go after him and I'm not going to play dirty. I know what I did was wrong but he still refuses to see how he has contributed to the damage, not necessarily charging but spending in other ways. I thought of several ways to pay off the debt sooner but it will require his help. At this point, he feels I have way to much debt and it will take years to wipe it. I am so lost...and have some very serious thinking to do. I'll will post my Part II to Frustrated & Annoyed!!!! Thanks for your advice :)