Frustrated & Annoyed!!!!! PART II
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Frustrated & Annoyed!!!!! PART II
| Tue, 10-25-2005 - 1:17am |
I was so inspired about all you ladies who have Dh's that have been supportive so I decided to have that talk with mine. Unfortunately, it didn't go anywhere...another conversation with things being dragged from the past. I told him, that I felt that he was punishing the girls for my mistake. That how could he buy himself food and eat it in front of us and not feel guilty. I don't care if he doesn't feed me but the girls. I also mentioned, that I was tired of hearing him brag about how broke he is (he replied, I am) well then how can you manage to eat out everyday, buy beer & cigs? Sorry but thats not being broke to me. Of course, it went on about how dishonest I was and he can't deal with it, not so much the debt. How we have not invested money in anything and that the money being applied to cc's could go to a family vacation, etc. I said, so could his beer & cigs money. Well he feels that since he works (ladies lol... I've been going to this place from 8-5 everyday M-F for several years and it isn't to get pampered!!!). he is entitle to it and he can afford it. He is in BIG denial of his drinking problem. He doesn't feel that he's an alcoholic because he doesn't abuse me or the girls phyically. He's home everyday, drinking at home and not at some bar. I honestly, thought that after giving up the cc's to him (which he was upset because I had cut them up into pieces and he taped them all together..why? to make sure they were not old cards) that we were going to make this work (STUPID ME ;(...because that's not what he was thinking....he's looking at it ...that its hopeless and over. He also, said for me to give him my check since he gave me his for years but I refused because I told him I can't make this marriage work by giving up things while he continues to drink besides that was the deal....we would each give up something - I gave up the cc (no problem; he was suppose to give up the drinking but he won't). He said my giving up my check was a step to him trusting me; I told him I gave up the cc's that's my trust and you can run the credit anytime but that was not enough. I told him that his drinking along with debt has been a big part of our problems. We could be cc free but I don't think he'll stop drinking. He said, that we could sell the house, pay-off the debt, walk away with some money and be divorced...get this - all on good terms without getting an attorney otherwise we'll walk out with no $$$. I was beyond angry; so I told him he has done a lot off research to have this plan already but that I will look into an attorney. He said, he can't do anything unless I agree. I told him even if I didn't want the divorce he can still file for it; its not like he needs my blessings. I kept telling him to just come out and be honest in saying he wanted out instead of playing house with me. He couldn't say it: I WANT A DIVORCE. I feel like he wants me to say it so he doesn't look like the "bad one." I'm soooooo confused, this is the same person that comes home everyday, kisses me before he leaves work and when he comes home not to mention sleeps with me. So how do I feel???? HORRIBLE!!!!! I feel that his drinking is more important than working this out esp. since he admitted he wasn't ready to give it up.
I need some desperate advice...... I know I can't afford an attorney but I can't feel that I can TRUST him, either.
Today, during work I was browsing on the internet so that I could get a 2nd job to pay the cc's faster; I could also sell my car for a compact car to apply that money to pay off at least 2-3 and save on gas but how STUPID I feel.
I don't think he quiet sees the whole picture, since he makes good money; he will be paying child support for 2 out of the 3 girls or maybe he thinks his plan is going to work. He is so WRONG!!!!!
To all you ladies...please don't get back into cc debt; realize how fortunate you are to have these husbands that forgave you and are willing to make the marriage work...that's what LOVE is about. :) Wondering how long I've been married? 18yrs with 3 daughters, 11, 16, & 18.
Thanks for letting me vent part II.
I need some desperate advice...... I know I can't afford an attorney but I can't feel that I can TRUST him, either.
Today, during work I was browsing on the internet so that I could get a 2nd job to pay the cc's faster; I could also sell my car for a compact car to apply that money to pay off at least 2-3 and save on gas but how STUPID I feel.
I don't think he quiet sees the whole picture, since he makes good money; he will be paying child support for 2 out of the 3 girls or maybe he thinks his plan is going to work. He is so WRONG!!!!!
To all you ladies...please don't get back into cc debt; realize how fortunate you are to have these husbands that forgave you and are willing to make the marriage work...that's what LOVE is about. :) Wondering how long I've been married? 18yrs with 3 daughters, 11, 16, & 18.
Thanks for letting me vent part II.

Wow, I am SO sorry for your situation. You must be really hurting right now.
Just based on your story, it doesn't sound very much like he wants to make this marriage work. I know you feel like you can't afford it, but I would seriously look into marriage counseling. You can leave out the money issues, but point out to your dh that you have other issues and that you really want to make this marriage work, but that you need his help and will he please come to counseling with you.
If that fails, then even counseling by yourself may help. It might at least help you gain clarity on whether you should keep trying to make the marriage work or call it quits.
Although all these things, as well as an attorney, represent an expense, it may be the most important money you ever spend. And without it, think of the lessons your children will be learning from watching your situation.
Usually, I tell people their mortgage is the most important place to put their money and that they should pay it before anything else. But in this case, I would say that your marriage needs some money put into it (in the form of counseling and/or an attorney), and that that is the most important thing you can do with your money--even more important than paying the credit cards.
I understand, to a certain extent, his point of view. My husband hid debt from me and lied about it, and it was pretty ugly when I found out about it (lots of screaming and crying, lol). And I can tell you, it took a long time for him to earn back my trust; I still (three years later) get nervous when he is in charge of money, and I still don't like the way he manages money. But that is where my sympathy with your dh ends. I would never buy things for myself and treat myself in front of the kids. I would never even do that in front of dh. Our solution was to find a way to not put dh in a position where he could do that again, but as for fixing it--we did it together.
Clearly, your dh has some anger issues and control issues, and he is not showing you respect. He may say that you lost his respect when you hid debt from him, but the truth is that no marriage can go on without respect. Yeah, I lost some respect for my dh over this. But I gave him an opportunity to earn it back, and I never treated him disrespectfully (except, of course, insofar as occasionally I treat anyone disrespectfully because I am an imperfect being who sometimes makes mistakes! LOL) because of it.
My heart is really going out to you and your girls right now. It's obvious that your children see what's really going on here, and it seems like it's time to start teaching them by example what to do when someone mistreats them. What are the life lessons you'd like them to take away from this?
Good luck and many, many blessings,
Heather
Oh sweetie - I am so sorry to hear that it went so badly.
All my best,
Danni
Haven't read the other posts, but here are my thoughts...
I've been through two divorces...I know that some are easy, but mine were far from that. It's an emotional roller coaster that you're on right now, especially having been married for so long, and with children involved, no matter what their age.
My current DH seems to think that since I am a SAHM that I don't "work", and comments like that really pi$$ me off beyond belief, because the house doesn't magically clean itself, so you have my sympathies on that front! We have three, 15 and 3 (DD), and 2 (DS). DS has recently been taken over by the Tantrum Demon, and has become quite the screamer!
Anyway, when I ended marriage to #2, I had learned from divorce #1. I had saved up some money and basically "planned" for the split instead of just packing up my stuff and leaving, which is what you sound like you've been doing (planning). That's a good start if that is the direction that you ultimately want to take.
Can you try counseling before committing to the divorce? And, I know that many men, my current DH included, would rather die than go to counseling, but is this something that you can do on your own, maybe? I suggest this because sometimes when you vent, like we all do here, things become clearer. My former in-laws have remained married for the sake of their children, who are all adults now, and it made for the most uncomfortable family gatherings...on the other hand, an acquaintence is splitting from his wife, and they are in the house together for the sake of their son, supposedly amicably.
Just be sure no matter what you decide, that you follow through with your eyes wide open and your emotions in check. And, be sure to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your relationship, if that is ultimately what happens. Its so important to not allow yourself to become overwhelmed, and to remain focused.
I wish you the best of luck.
Hugs--
kathy
I can sure feel your hurt. Have you checked into Alanon -- they have meetings for spouses of alcoholics -- helps to have others who share the same experiences. See if there is an alcoholics anonymous meeting somewhere -- they should be able to tell you where an Alanon meeting is. Alcoholics are great at making everyone else feel "guilty" -- hopefully Alanon could help you through this plus, there is no charge.
Megan
I agree with Al-anon. I used to go to meetings about two years ago, when my husband's drinking was getting out of control. We'd played all the 'games' of me counting his drinks, telling him when he'd had too much, him getting angry that I was nagging, him hitting his supposed 'bottom', and asking me to tell him when he's had too much, asking me to count his drinks for him again, leaving me notes on the bathroom mirror for me to find in the morning with a drunken scribble, saying, "Please Help me!!" and stuff like that. I went through it all, and it was maddening. He would drive drunk and come through the door and pass out onto the floor, covered in vomit. Then I'd play the 'good wife' and go out and clean up the car, look for any signs that he'd been in an accident of any sort on the body of the car, go back inside and get him all cleaned up and into bed, and then I'd sit nearby and keep watch over him in case he got sick again in the night. I did this for years.
So one day I told my husband I was joining Al-Anon. He didn't take it very seriously at first. He just figured it was part of the 'game' we'd played for so long. But after the very first meeting, he saw a change in me. I stopped counting his drinks. I stopped nagging. I stopped worrying. When he woke up in the morning and moaned about how he felt soooo sick, I'd just shrug and say, "Ok", and go about my normal routine, not showing the least amount of care for his plight. If someone called and asked for him, I stopped covering for him and saying he was in the shower or in the bathroom. I'd just pass the phone to him and say, "It's for you", and walk out of the room, not giving him a chance to try and convince me to dismiss the caller. When our son wanted to run into the bedroom to jump on top of DH and say Good Morning to him, I used to stop him and say, "Daddy's not feeling good right now". But I stopped doing that too. He had to force himself to look "chipper and sober" and spend time with his child. If he had woken up with a cold or a flu or something, sure I would have tried to take care of him....I'm not heartless. :-D But when it came to alcohol-induced hangovers and paying homage to the Toilet Bowl God when he'd had too much, he was on his own.
During our meetings, we were not allowed to sit and complain about our Alcoholic family members. In fact, we didn't mention them at all. The lesson they were helping me to learn was that: He is who he is, and I cannot change that. BUT....I can change myself. I don't have to sit there and put up with it. I don't have to sit and worry about him ending up in a hospital or morgue somewhere. I don't have to worry about the future for our family. And the best part was....after consciously ignoring his pleas for yet another round of sympathy for him and how badly he felt, I actually began to beleive it! I found hobbies of my own and interests of my own, and I didn't sit downstairs with him while he drank every night because it wasn't about "us" anymore. It was about "Me". It actually lifted my self-esteem to be able to say that I wasn't going to spend anymore time worrying about something I have no control over.
Today, my husband does still drink, but he now cuts himself off after just a few drinks so that he can come upstairs and spend time with me and find out what I'm doing. When he talks about work and his dreams and his plans, I listen intently and discuss them normally. When he mentions anything involving his drinking, I either won't discuss it at all or just give a simple "ok" or "Whatever you feel is best". And that's it.
My feeling is this...I don't make him jump through hoops each time I try to lose weight. I don't ask him to count my calories, monitor my blood glucose levels, cholesterol, triglycerides, and blood pressure. I just do them. If I fail, It's of my own doing. Not his. His drinking is now handled the same way. If he wants to quit, he will. If he tries and slips....he'll have to make the decision to either give up or pick himself back up and try again. Either way, I will always love him. But I won't waste my life with worry anymore. I did it for 13 years, and that was enough.
Pat :-D
I can agree with some of the other posts that Alanon is the way to go here. I seems the largest problem looming is not debt, but your husband's alcoholism. Kind of like the elephant in the room that no one cares to mention. How would I know, well I'm in the middle of a similar situation.
My husband is a very high functioning alcoholic. We're in debt however, and a lot of that was my trying to make up to myself and my children for what my husband wasn't. We've been in a debt management program for the past 15 months. Still have a couple of years to go. I cut corners, budget, really try to make a dent. What does dh do? He still buys his beer and cigarettes, and I really feel it comes before all else. In fact, I'm sure it does. DH admits he "has a problem" but that he can handle it. When? Anyway, I've been getting a lot of support from a great group at www.gettingthemsober.com. Don't let the name fool you, we can't get them sober. Only they can, but it does get you to sit up and take notice. The information on the site and the message board are a godsend.
I have honestly thought about divorce many, many time. I still have trouble viewing this problem as a disease, since it is just so selfish. The fact that we are in debt, and my dh makes about 3 times my salary, is what makes me stay. My dh is like yours, doesn't abuse anyone, good provider, doesn't drink and drive, no womanizing. Don't minimize these things, since they can help you stay in the situation until you're ready to move on, if ever. I have actually become more determined in paying off our debt and not creating more. I have even accelerated our mortgage since if worse comes to worse, I can cut my losses and the kids and I can make it without him. That's the great thing about being in a debt management program for me, that payment is coming out of our account like it or not. He realizes this, and we work around it. That way, I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Just hang in there, take a deep breath and take care of yourself. Do cheap or free things for you and the kids so you won't be so focused on him. Let him do whatever since he's going to anyway. Just ignore it, until the time comes when you have all the cards to play your hand that will benefit you and the kids the most.
Della
There is so much more to life... I want to feel good about myself and I want to stop worrying that someday he'll get a DUI or cause an accident. I'm at the end of my rope and I have no choice but to prepare myself for the worst and to move on. Glad to hear that your DH did something before it was to late. I really agree " He is who he is, and I cannot change that. BUT....I can change myself. I don't have to sit there and put up with it."
I have been putting away and browsing to see how much rent will be. I have even consider getting a part-time job and save for as long as I can take it. I will continue to pay my cc's as much as I can.
He made it clear... he is not ready to quit! I guess I should've paid more attention to his family history; dad (now alone), aunts and uncles are all alcoholics. I know that even if i didn't create this debt; the real issue would still be there. I can't help him if he won't seek help. :( Honestly, he has more to lose!
If you do decide to move out, do you have family who could help you for a short while until you get on your feet? Moving in with someone else (sibling, parent, cousin, good friend, etc), could help lift you up by giving you a change of scenery, a less worrisome living arrangement for your girls, etc, until you can afford a regular rent payment. There would still be some worries, naturally, but you wouldn't have to see your DH intoxicated or mistreating you, and that could be a boost all by itself.
You're in my prayers!
Pat