Shame and Disgust

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Shame and Disgust
6
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 6:55pm
I have been here before but thought I had cleaned up my act for good. No such luck! I've had a couple of people call asking about payments and have lost sleep at night wondering how I'm going to pay everything. I am so embarrassed I don't even want to tell anybody. Everyone else in my family is good with money and I am a disgrace. I am 47 years old and have not a cent in the bank to call my own. Currently, I am living in "overdraft." I don't see an end to this. I have a mild form of bipolar disorder, Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Social Phobia and on and on and on. I can't stand to even examine the place I'm in. I have no friends because of past drug abuse which had me mouthing off to my friend on what a bad friend she was, etc. She has blocked me from writing her and I've written hundreds of emails begging forgiveness. She doesn't care. I'm an idiot. I hate myself. I hate my life. I am so irresponsible. 47, alone, no friends, no husband, no children, no money, nothing! I dug myself out once before but I think I'm going to have to sell my house and I don't want to. I love coming home - it is the only place I feel safe. All I can think of is my mom is old and will die soon OR I keep thinking of an old friend of mine who I heard killed herself by jumping off a bridge. I thought she must have gone through hell for those 30 seconds or so that it took her to hit the ground. She did this a few years ago, miles away from me but I either think about her, think about what a loser I am or am sick to death at the thought of losing my mother. I feel I have no life so how did I get in so much debt? I had eating disorders for years. I compulsively overeat so I don't have any food in my fridge which means I eat out for all 3 meals. That way they are portioned for me. I know it's stupid but look who you are dealing with?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 10:11pm

Please don't think you're stupid. We have all been in bad situations and they are so rough in that moment, but things can only get better. It can't rain all the time. I just know that you will begin to feel better about things and that you will be able to get your life back on track. This board is wonderful. The women here are so supportive and kind and so welcoming. We're all your friends here. This is a place to come and vent and let everything out. Please post often. We're all here for you.

Cheers :)
Angelpie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 10:09am
Thank you very much. I will try to post as much as I can but sometimes I just can't think about it without getting sick and depressed. I just don't screw up financially, I've done so many things wrong. I obviously hurt that girl that was a friend of mine. I've hurt others with my big mouth so I teach in one school in the morning and another school in the afternoon so I won't get attached to anyone. I don't go out at all except to get something to eat and I go out for tea with my mother every Saturday morning. I don't want to hurt anyone else and I don't want to face anymore rejection. I am just so tired all of the time. I would get another part-time job to help pay the bills but I am just too tired. I got a loan from one of those high interest credit places (because I never get approved at a normal bank)and I was so embarrassed when the girl said "you are carrying a heavy debt load." I don't know why that bothered me. I guess I hope they don't look too thoroughly and don't want them to know anymore than what I tell them. I pretended to be unworried about my finances to them and I feel I've been caught in a lie. It's very embarrassing and humiliating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 2:04pm

It sure sounds like you're going through a hard time right now, and it sounds like you might be experiencing a little depression as well with all that life has dealt you thus far. Do you think it might be a good thing to talk to a doctor about how tired and 'down' you've been feeling and everything that you're dealing with? A few years back when life was dealing me lemons, I talked to my doctor about it, and he was very understanding. I was sitting on the exam table when I told him that I just wasn't feeling very happy lately, and he reached over and patted my arm and said softly, "Why don't you just climb down and sit in this chair over here and we'll talk". So we did. My entire appointment was just spend talking. Once I got started and realized he wasn't judging me for my feelings I was having, I just kept rambling....parents were ill, inlaws were ill, husband was ill and might need section of intestine removed, child was ill and needed CT scan at hospital, being caretaker to everyone, debt level high, car barely running, etc etc.... He gave me a medicine called Wellbutrin XL, and I took it for about a year. It took the edge off of my feelings and allowed me to better deal with things. Once I had a little better handle on what was going on around me (everyone's health improved, etc), he tapered me off the medicine and I haven't needed it since. However, if I ever feel like that again, so tired that I just don't feel like doing much of anything, would rather crawl back under the blankets and hide than get up and face the world....I'd go back to my doctor for some help.

Your normal family doctor is all you need to talk to, if you decide to seek help for the 'blues'. I hope things get easier for you soon.

Hugs,
Pat

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 8:24pm

I agree with Pat. Depression makes everything so much harder than it has to be. I have dealt with clinical depression in the past and I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in 2001. You have no idea the difference medicine and therapy can make. You won't always feel this way. Maybe therapy will also help with your issues with your friends. Therapy was a life saver for me. It made a world of difference in my outlook and general disposition. I was also better able to deal with my life in general, such as my finances and every day problems.

Angelpie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 8:04am
Thanks Pat. Actually, I have been in therapy since I was 25. I am now 47. I have seen all kinds of counsellors, doctors, therapists, groups, shrinks, etc. My current psychiatrist is trying to find me a medication that I can tolerate for impulsivity and I had hoped that I would act more rationally. She went through a number of prescriptions, some I was allergic to and the others just didn't work. Actually one of the doctors I saw put me on Paxil and Clonazepam to help with the anxiety and panic attacks and believe it or not - it has helped although I know that it doesn't show. I have mental illness that runs in my family. At least 2 of them have bipolar disorder and others have anxiety and depression at times.
I just want to get rid of my debt and have money in the bank. I cannot believe the arrogance and insulting tone of voice I got from a couple of them. I noticed before that when I did have money in the bank, I got a lot more respect. I told them they were rude and I didn't want to talk to them again. Still, "heavy debt load, heavy debt load, heavy debtload.... goes over and over in my mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 9:41am

You seem to exhibit some syptoms of OCD. Perhaps that is why none of the typical "depression" medications have helped. There are different medicines and/or combinations of medicines used to treat OCD.

I know how you feel about the "heavy debt load" situation. A banker that handled my father's financial needs for years, looked at my credit report three years ago when I was in the process of getting a loan with his bank and said "Mercy! You have way too many student loans!" $70K...not a lot I could have done about it other than dropped out of college. I asked him if he had rather that I not gone to college at all and be employed at McDonalds for the rest of my life and walked out. He tried to lay a guilt trip on me about my debt! I am not...I REPEAT...I AM NOT MY DEBT! And neither are you.

Angelpie41