Question to parents with adult kids
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| Fri, 11-11-2005 - 4:58pm |
Just wondering--to others of us with adult children, primarily on their own--how do you handle it when they ask for money, and we post here all the time about getting ourselves out of debt??
DH has two grown children from prev marriage, and for a while they were constantly asking for money for this or for that. One year SS asked for money to go Christmas shopping--lol--we paid for our own gifts, and then weren't paid back until Memorial Day.
DH and I had a discussion about this subject a few years ago, and decided that the BANK WAS CLOSED to anyone over the age of 18 (DH has several grandkids, plus we have three kids under 18 as well). Our policy is NO MONEY--Don't Ask! We decided that the kids' needs came first, so if they call crying that their kids need coats, we will buy coats, but no money changes hands. At Christmas, we give the adult kids gift cards for the grocery store. Some things are handled on a case-by-case basis, but NO MONEY goes directly to the kids.
Dr Phil did a show on this a few years ago, I sent an email thanking them for it, because it validated our position, and we were invited on the show! We declined, and turns out the day that the show was taping was the day I found out I was expecting our DS...
Anyway, just wondering how others with adult kids handle this situation. I sometimes get tired of hearing "You never help", because it's simply not true--we do, just not the way that the SKids want!
Kathy


Sorry for crashing the thread, as I do not have adult children. But, I just wanted to say that you are doing a huge favor for the grown children. You are not their crutch and they can only be better off for it. I agree with your actions, such as buying the grandkids coats and gifting something useful, like the grocery store cards. You are not allowing them to be foolish or use you and your husband. It is also refreshing to see that the two of you agree on this arrangement. Kudos to both of you!
Windy
I agree with Windy. You are doing the right thing. I am also learning that certain kinds of help are necessary while other kinds of "help" are not "help."....and I'm seeing that applied to more than just debt!
I'll actually be acting on something similar this week. I have been helping a relative with a child pay the dental bills for the child. The doctor was not being paid by the husband she is divorcing, so she took over the payments, but she realized she couldn't afford them, so I decided to help her at the tune of $50 a month. So far, I have given her $300 with few thank yous, but I knew I was helping the CHILD......Next month she is receiving $40,000 in the divorce and over other business dealings, so I am going to tell her that my aid will end. Her income from her job is still low, but she will have all the money she needs to take care of herself now, so I will be expecting her to pay her own bills. (I know that money will not last long, but that is not anything I can I do anything about. Since she is starting her life all over, I have to also let her take full responsibility for herself. She has not ever had money like that before, and she is a poor money manager. When I make suggestions, she still yells at me.....I am trying hard not to say anything more to her about the money, I literally bite my tongue when the topic comes up because her planning so far is scary......okay, this is one of the things that bothers me: She's buying candles all the time for the new apartment, but she has no idea where this new apartment is yet, and she has no furniture and no car. But, she has candles. Can't she spend the candle money on that dental bill? And why does she call me up and say she's taking an unpaid day off from work and how great it is while I am struggling at my job and can't take days off...and have to give her $50 for the dental bill?........She could and should be making that $50...........)
Ok, my comment turned into my own rant, but I will be cutting this out.
Feeling better, Littlesbigs
My dd's 5 and has never needed to be bailed out.
Let me just say that I think it depends on the adult children. My brother & I are fairly responsible and unfortunately live in a high COL area. I was 23 when I got married and had my daughter, and my brother was 21? when he had his son.
We both work very hard, his girlfriend is still in school so unable to work yet. Our parents help us both by buying the kids clothes and by giving us money in hard times. My mom is now going to cosign for a house for my brother. So he can move close to home. But houses heres are $300k for a small fixer upper. So obviously his $50k annual income does not cut it. My parents are going to pick up the slack and help him out.
Granted they can afford it and have no debt.
Shannon
I guess it depends.
Becky
CL of 4th, 5th & 6th grade Scoliosis
I'm married, DH has two grown children (28 and 27), and I have one (19). All three are still single, and no grandkids yet. All three have been on their own since their late teens - and have moved back home for short stints when times were hardest on them. Currently, that's the youngest. (He moved out at age 17, made it alone for awhile, and has been back at home for a couple of months.)
The eldest, M, is our problem child. She only contacts us when she needs money. Literally, months will go by when we don't know where she's living, working, nor anything about her life. Holidays, birthdays, etc. pass by with no word. Then her car will break down, and she needs a tow and money for repairs. DH ran to her rescue a couple of times, but we've been burned - she still owes us $1500 for a new transmission, then wrecked her car the day after she got it out of the shop. Totaled. Since her insurance company wouldn't pay extra for the new transmission, she feels she owes us nothing. Another time, DH loaned her a credit card for a car repair, NOT to exceed $XXX because we were close to the limit on that one. She used that card for the repairs, yes, but then also charged some other things she didn't ask for... and pushed the card over the limit, resulting in overlimit fees, and a hiked interest rate. Of course, she feels no responsibility for those extra expenses, either.
In an attempt to force some sort of regular contact, and knowing she needed a cell phone (credit trashed and couldn't qualify on her own), DH added her to our Nextel account and we got her a phone - supposed to pay her portion of the bill regularly to us. That worked well for awhile, at least we got to see her signature on a check once a month even if we didn't see her face, it was at least some confirmation she was still alive and we had her home address. And when she fell behind in payment, we cut off the phone service. Boy, does THAT ever get her attention! LOL. Anyway, she's going through a tough time right now, seeking a second job to cover bills, and we're carrying her phone expense - for now. That's about to end, though. Three months behind, and another bill coming due. We're debating whether to cut her off again - I persuaded DH to allow her a chance to recover, say $25 a month over her regular payment, until she's caught up. He's agreed, for the moment, because she's at least making an attempt to dig herself out of the hole and keeping some contact. We'll see...
The middle child, B, has always been the most responsible. Keeps his budget under tight control, thrives on his goal of being debt-free (even if it means freeloading off relatives so he can pay down his student loan debt). Actually, he's a bit of a miser and excruciatingly frugal. He rarely owes us money, pays us back unfailingly, and never asks for help unless he's critical. And we freely give, if we are able. Because we KNOW he will pay it back usually faster than we expect. Currently, he's on active duty in MS preparing for a one-year stint in the sandbox. So DH has control of all of B's bank accounts and bills while he's gone.
As you might expect, M is terribly miffed that we give so freely to her younger brother, B, but don't give to her - and when we do help her, it's NOW with steel cables attached. No wonder - we can't trust her. She doesn't see it that way. Undoubtedly, she keeps her distance and silence to us as a way of 'punishing' us for 'playing favorites.'
Oh well.
The youngest, K, is just starting out, really. And so far, he's been very responsible SINCE moving back home and under DH's and my control (as appropriate for an adult teen). He moved back home with unpaid traffic tickets in four counties, three warrants for his arrest (the tickets), suspended driver's license, no car, no job, and some belongings in pawn to pay his last month's rent before he moved out. We've helped him get a job (and doing well, I might add - never late, never misses, and seems to like it), and with his first full paycheck, I drove him to all of those counties to pay off his tickets and get his license and pawns back. He's driving one of our vehicles to get to work, and saving up to buy his own in a few months. This month, we started requiring room and board, and he's paid in full with no complaints. DH and I have been offering guidance with his budget, but so far not requiring anything more than rent, savings for a car and insurance, AND that he pay his other debts in a timely manner. The rest is up to him.
His opinion of the other two, M and B, is about what we would expect. He's miffed that we freely helped out B anytime he needed it, occasionally helped out M when she needed it, but wouldn't send him money to pay off his tickets. He didn't "get" that his tickets were because of his own irresponsibility, and therefore, HIS problem alone. M's and B's problems, that we helped with, were outside of their control and not due to irresponsibility (except the current cell phone issue). OTOH, he's quite proud now that HE paid off his tickets and pawns with his OWN money, AND paid me back for the travel expenses to take care of them. All on his own.
No money from Mom and Dad can buy that kind of pride and independence. He's beginning to see the light.
Ha.
Msfit
&nbs
No adult kids here either but I think you are definitely on the right track-Before I go further let me say I am grateful to my in-laws for all they have done for us financially. Bought us a washing machine last year, rented the u-haul for our last move, gave money occasionally, etc. but the one time we asked for a handout I hated it! We were newlyweds, DH's job hadn't started yet and we just got in over our heads. I still hear about how they helped us to this day.
I do think and I'm treading carefully here because I don't want to offend that changes in policy have to be addressed carefully. In DH's family his dad and stepmom were giving tons of handouts to my BIL and his wife. Not just cash but they clothed the kids-sent home food and clothing everytime the kids visited, did tons of babysitting, etc. Well, my MIL died suddenly and FIL was involved with another woman quickly (they married a couple of years later but moved in together right away). They cut off all aid very quickly and the resentment has fueled family arguments and tension to this day (7 years later). Just money nightmare after money nightmare. So, I think a clear policy that is stated upfront is the way to go and if you have been helping out I think an honest discussion is probably a better approach than sudden change.
Taleyna
I would kill for $300k for a starter home! Here in So CA, the avg cost in Orange County is $650k, for a teenie house...hence, our three bd apt!!
K
I totally agree with you. Here we are on this board, we're (DH & I) are totally underwater with this debt, and I have never asked my parents for money. With Christmas coming up, it has been easier to say things like, "Boy the cold weather snuck up on us, so the babies could use clothes for Christmas, they have enough toys". DS b-day is in Oct and both DD are in Feb. But S-kids are the types that call really only when they need something. SS had a habit of coming by on the weekends, usually if we were going out to eat! Once we were taking my FIL out to lunch--for Fathers Day--and SS called us when we were at restaurant asking which one we were at so he could join us! This after he had spent a week with his GF with him in his home! DH just wanted to spend some time with his DF before he left to go home! SD same way. Never calls unless she needs something. Last time we helped we gave $500 to help with the transmission on her van. Paid us back, but we heard from her DH that $$ ended up going to other things (her meth-habit????). That is why we finally said, we will help grandkids, adults are on their own. It will be interesting to see what happens when our 15 yo reaches that age, but we also said that if adult kids wanted to go back to school (neither went to college), we would pay for books as long as they applied for financial aid, whether it be loans or grants.
Kathy