Angry at DH

Avatar for siriele
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
Angry at DH
5
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 4:09am
I am sooooo angry at DH. I'm a SAHM and my only outlet when things get overwhelming is reading.DH knows this and although I do go to the local library all the time and it's awful they dont have s***. He never got me a gift for my b-day or the holiday. He got himself some expensive s*** for his expensive cell phone which I NEVER approved of him getting. That S*B cancelled my amazon order for a 20 dollar book. He and I fight constantly about money and he wouldn't even buy me a d*** newspaper when he goes out to get the kids junk food that they dont need. He's also constantly going to blockbuster to rent movies even though we have over 200 channels. I am soooo angry and ive been really staying away from stores and the puter and have been really good lately with the spending. He wants to throw away my things and I want to throw away his. I cant have a discussion/wicked fight about it because he sucks the kids into it so I just shut my mouth but i'm furious beyond belief. Normally I would eat a big bowl of cereal right about now but I just lost 27lbs and dont wanna go back there!!!....Iris
Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: siriele
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 7:40am

(((Iris))) big cyber hugs coming your way.

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: siriele
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 9:14am

I've been through this, actually. It's getting better, but we did have a spot like this. It does boil down to respect, as Danni said. First, my DH forgot me Christmas before last (2004). At the time, I thought I deserved that because I had just outted my hidden debt to him two weeks prior, and although he told me it was ok and we'd work through it together, I figured he still felt burned by what I'd done, and I shrugged it off. I sat there and opened one gift from my parents and then watched he and our son open a mountain of gifts with the biggest smile I could fake. Then, my birthday came around in June, and DH was on a business trip. I thought for sure he'd send flowers or at least call to say "Happy Birthday", but no. In fact, when I spoke to him that day and said, "My parents took me to lunch for my birthday today", he said, "Oh, is it your birthday?". He totally blew it off. I figured once he came home, he'd make up for his forgetfulness and take me out to eat or rent a movie for a "movie night" or something. Nope. He laid on the couch all weekend saying how tired he was from his trip and then left on another one the following Monday. No birthday for me.

What made him come around was Time (time for him to come to grips with the fact he was acting like a jerk), and me finally losing my cool and setting him straight. He called me from a trip saying he'd sent me an important email. I checked for it, and it was a 'birthday reminder', he'd set up with an online florist for his Mother's birthday, and he was asking me to send her flowers because he didn't want to forget her birthday. Grrrr....I refused. I told him that he could get the flowers on his own since he didn't think to get me anything for my birthday....but yet he could set up a birthday 'reminder' for his Mommy's birthday. I told him he needed to make a decision on where his loyalty lies, and I reminded him of a reading from our wedding...."and a man shall leave his Father and Mother and join himself to his wife and they shall become one person". I told him it was clear he had changed his mind on his vows, and I'd make the neccessary phonecalls to let both our families know how "HE" clearly felt about our marriage and why it had to end. Then I hung up and left the phone off the hook. He flew home within three hours to try to make ammends and admit that he'd been rotten to me. Since then, he's really made progress in treating me with respect.

Once in awhile he'll slip. Like the time I told my son he could have a toy from the dollar store as a reward for a ballgame he'd played very well, and my son said, "Do I have to take the dollar out of my money or is it your money?", and I said, "It's from our money", and my husband said, "MY money", and I leaned over to his ear and whispered, "Only after the divorce dear...", and he quickly said, "Oh yeah....it's our money. Sorry".

Not sure I have any advice to help you. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. Others on the board have probably had similar problems too. I think your DH just needs to learn to respect you. Normally, I wouldn't promote a 'tit-for-tat' solution, but seeing as he cancelled your $20 book order (showing he doesn't want you to spend any money), and he forgot your birthday, perhaps you could just plan to 'forget' his also? Get him what he got you for your birthday, so to speak. Maybe that would be enough of a wake-up.

Wishing you hugs and hope in getting through this difficult time!

Pat

Avatar for siriele
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
In reply to: siriele
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 2:34pm
Dear Dani & Pat ((((Hugs)))) thank you for the wonderful support which is a heck of a lot more than i'm getting in this house. It seems that its all about control issues here. Aside from the control issues and money issues, we really love each other very much. All these money problems overshadow our life together. We are blessed beyond belief with 3 beautiful children and a loving family (mine and his) When I want to purchase anything, he questions my judgement. He goes food shopping every sunday because he says I spend way too much at the market. He gives me an allowance and gasses up my car. He calls and says "watcha doin" all day long. Yet I take my "allowance", go to the market and purchase food thats not only healthy, but that we all really consume and doesn't wind up in the trash. I'm with these children 24/7 and I know what they'll eat and not eat. I'm convinced that it boils down to CONTROL. He even took his fancy cell phone and hooked it up to the computer to track my activities on the damn thing. I quickly put the kibosh on that one. It's almost the end of the holiday and when things get back to normal I will feel free. Thank you guys ((((HUGS)))) Iris
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: siriele
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 3:17pm

My DH does the 'during the work day' phonecalls too. He calls my cellphone because I'll have it no matter where I am. I just stopped answering except when I'm actually free and able to talk. He didn't have anything to say--just wanted to know what I was doing. Each time, I'd have to stop teaching my son (we homeschool) to answer a call, just to be questioned about what I was doing. :-/ So now I just don't answer most of the calls, and when I finally do, and he questions why I never answered his earlier attempts, I tell him, "I was busy, Dear. I work too." :-D

Pat :-D

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
In reply to: siriele
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 10:03pm
Hi, Siriele. Sorry to hear things are out of order at your house. You and DH have different ideas on $$$. He sounds a bit controlling. You need some breathing room. 1) Reality check. You are SAHM. Do the math (Heather, I think, had a list somewhere on this). You are nurse, chef, shuttle service, tutor, mechanic, laundry service, etc. Nurse: $25-30/hrs. Housekeeping: $200/3 hrs. Shuttle: $25-50 trip. Tutor: $25/hr. Mechanic: varies. Etc. 2) Set up own traditions. DH forgetting anniversary? Not good. DH used to have me do the MIL/FIL/niece thing. He took over. Either forgets, gets things late, etc. Soo=1-800-flowers has online tracker for impt. dates. Solved. Tell him why it is important to set traditions. 3) If your DH is not traditional or romantic, compromise. Some guys just arent wired for this, or didnt have it growing up in their own houses. BD's werent impt. For my DH, I will give VISIBLE reminders. Copies of magazines. Online ideas. Example: Mixer. Gave DH hints month in advance. 4) Movies. Tape them. Can he rent to own at reduced price, even? 5) Pick a day of week for you. Do something different. Cook up veggie dish. Drive different route. Stop at park with kids. 6) Library? You must be going to wrong one. Most have computer stuff, kids' story-telling days, rentals, book clubs, etc. Good luck to you. Whiz.