HELP!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
HELP!!!!!!!
7
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 11:10pm

I'm Holly--new to this board.
I'm a compulsive shopper!!
We are in so much debt---its not funny.
When I'm stressed---I shop---and eat!!
When I want to get away from the kids----I shop!!
We have NEVER had a budget!
We buy whatever, whenever we want! Well--I do!! He just eats out everyday!!
I'm also addicted to eBay and shop for that bad habit also---thinking I'm going to make money!!

Now what??? What do I do????

Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: hollym4k
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 12:07am

Hi Holly and welcome to the board.

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: hollym4k
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 12:20am

Ok, first off, let's work together and see if we can figure out how you stand with your monthly expenses. Have you had a chance to sit down, with pen and paper, and write down your monthly expenses? That might be a good way to start. Write down your rent/mortgage, property taxes and insurance (if they're not paid with your mortgage), utilities, groceries, etc. Can you make it month-to-month on what you are bringing in, including any increased credit card payments that went into effect with the New Year? Is there any way to cut back? Using coupons? Shopping with a grocery list and sticking with it? Brown-bagging lunches for work? Cutting back on your cable TV servies/DishTV/netflix, etc, services? Clothing and entertainment (movie rentals, movie tickets, etc)? Any wiggle room at all would be wonderful. :-D

When you shop, is there a reason? Are you feeling bored, sad, upset over something? Maybe it might help to 'replace' shopping with some other activity. If you find yourself shopping to celebrate something you've done well, maybe you could enjoy a nice leisurely bubble bath or some quiet time to read or journal listen to music or whatever it is that you enjoy. I know, in my case, I would shop when I felt frustrated, angry, or unappreciated. I started journaling, and it really helps me. It's nothing fancy. Just a simple spiral notebook, but everytime something upset me or my husband says something inconsiderate, rather than bottling it up inside or going out and shopping to make myself feel better, I write it down in a journal. Something similar to "12/17/05: Today was great until I went through the trouble of fixing a nice candlelit meal, only to have Dh complain about it, and our son pick up on the complaints, and then the whole meal was ruined and both guys got up and went into the kitchen to fix their own meals. I feel so unappreciated. Why do I bother?". Just venting it in a journal sometimes helps me to not want to shop.

What is it on Ebay that attracts you so much to the site? Are you also a seller? Selling an be a great way to earn money for paying down bills. Is there a certain time of day when you find yourself checking out Ebay? Early morning? After kids are in bed? Could you keep yourself busy during those times so you won't be tempted?

I'm so glad you decided to join us here, and I hope you'll find lots of tips and hints on how to become debt free someday. :-D

Pat ;-D

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-1999
In reply to: hollym4k
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 12:46am

Dear Holly,

I agree with the advice given in the prior posts to your thread.

Your post indicates a problem you think you have with shopping, so I am just going to suggest that you start to help yourself by saying to yourself that for the next couple of days, no matter what happens that is a stressor to you that you will not shop...that you will find a different outlet for the stress. You can escape at the library, taking a walk, calling a friend, looking at pictures, turning on your favorite music, a favorite video, giving yourself a facial , doing arts and crafts with the stuff you have in the house, etc.... See how you do the next couple of days without shopping. Journaling during this time will also help a lot.

Getting started can be overwhelming...it is a project...you can do it! Baby steps are okay!

Littlesbigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
In reply to: hollym4k
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 2:46am
Hi, Holly. Welcome and hugs. You are not a bad person, just a person with bad habits. Buying whenever, etc. Impulse.The shopping thing is like an addiction high--similar to gambling, drugs. You can get through this, but will need a life-style behavior change,etc. Example: Parents grew up during depression era. Bad winters. Unpredictable finances. Soo-would go and get 3 months of toilet paper, shampoo, etc. Of course, they bought in bulk on sale, but enough to fund an army. 2)Second example: I used to go to casinos with GF's. Blow money. Wake-up call. DH waiting at the door with bank statement in hand. Ultimatum: Quit now. One person at his work had acquaintance whose wife blew the savings, and second mortgage on shopping and gambling. Serious stuff. No longer hang out with this GF, Vegas, etc. 3) Get another habit. Something else to busy yourself. Knitting. Walking. 4) Extricate from siren song of e-bay. 5) There are meds to help with this OCD/GAD thing. (Paxil, etc.). 6) Come clean with DH. I had to. They find out anyway. The BIG wake-up was when DH said, "Now see, if you didnt blow that $$$, you wouldnt be in the mess you're in", and figuring out what I could have paid off with that $100. The other thing was when ex-GF and I were out months ago, and a person said to me, "I will sell you my rings/earrings". That stopped me cold. Good luck to you. WHiz.
Avatar for cl_beckymk
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: hollym4k
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 10:32pm

Hi Holly.


Since everyone has already given you great advice, I'm just going to say Welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: hollym4k
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 10:27pm

Thank you to everyone for all the great suggestions!!
Yes---I'm a seller on Ebay. I want to make money--but you need to spend money to make it!!

I know my problem and how it got that way!! I have alot of stress in my life. Great suggestions to do something else when I want to shop--but.....most of those things I can't do!! I have 4 kids--lots of stress.
The main 1 stresser--my boy!! He is almost 6y--on Saturday and is bipolar, High functioning autism and anxiety. He only goes to school 2-3 d/week. The other days--he has speech or dr appts. I can't even clean my house without him destroying a different room. He needs constant structure and routine. Something that we don't have with 3 other kids.

Anyways--I guess I'm not the only one who does spend---meaning DH!!!
He goes out and gambles--he thinks that's OK and me buying things for a purpose isn't??? He does the bill paying and screws up all the time. We do online banking and somehow he will mess it up and he ends up paying twice on 1 creditor and nothing on another. He won't allow me to do it at all. I did try--but couldn't get back into the habit of actually doing it. I used to be the one who always did the bills----before online banking!!

Most of our money is thrown away thru fast food. I must go to McDoanlds at least once/day---for my Diet Coke--for sure. And at least 3x/week for food for the kids. It's convenient. We always seem to be out and about with appts.
I know that needs to stop too. My son will be starting a gluten/casein-free diet soon. I just don't have time to go to the special store to get the right kind of foods for him. I can't take him shopping anywhere!! I know that kind of food is so much more expensive too!! I don't know what we are going to do.

Holly

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
In reply to: hollym4k
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 1:39am
Hi, Holly. Wow, it sounds busy at your house. Four kids, and one that has challenges. l) What about getting your child into a program for kids with ADD or something similar? Physical stuff would help him become more balanced----sports, outdoor activities. I do wish I had saved that article in Woman's World awhile back on how one mother helped her ADD son, it was a lifesaver for them. 2) Fast food. There are now healthier choices. Fruit cups, milk, and yogurt. Side salads. Keep some raisins, or cut-up fruit at home. There is also the gluten-free board, too. 3)Allergies. Has your son been tested for everything? I say that, because I thought I had just the basic allergies, until I really got patch tested, and brought in household products---cosmetics, detergents, cleansers, shampoos, cat fur, lipstick, etc. Now, I have to really watch it---only certain cosmetics, avoiding bleach and certain fabric softeners, etc. Shots every 3 months. Enough creams and ointments to make me a greased pig. 4) DH Gambling? How often and how much? I think I touched on this already. 5) Stress etc. At one time, I had medical job which involved psych patients and elderly dementia. Recovering addicts and alcoholics. Bipolar I/II and schizophrenics. There is a reason why there were structured programs and snack times. Serotonin fix. Try chocolate drinks. Turkey and cheese sandwiches. Peanut butter and applesauce cups. Cammomile tea. It may help. Whiz.