$$ vs marriage & family
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| Tue, 03-07-2006 - 8:46am |
SO here is the situation. My husband just got back from an interview. He would be surprised if he doens't get an offer(and he is usually pretty good about knowing). The problem I have with this job? It is 80-100% travel every week. He is required to average 28 billing hours a week not including his flights.
The company pays for all of his expenses so that is not an issue the travel is what bothers me. We have 3 small childre(4,5, & 7) and I am concerned for them. He is the parent that does bed time and is the one who gives lots of hugs & kisses & that kind of stuff. I am a very hands off person in general but I am getting better(a little). If I tell him not to take it he won't but he is miserable at his job right now.
That being said, he gets miserable at his job every 2-3 years anyway because he is bored so it is a little bit of a non issue to me.
He would make more $$(quite a bit) which would be nice but we don't need to have to survive. I know he would be happier and he would be looking to move up and then we would be in one place all the time. We have a great marriage and are celebrating our 10th next month so that doesn't worry me.
thoughts? Opinions?

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my opinion is that no amount of money is worth sacrificing valuable time with and watching your children grow up. I was a single mom for 13 years and I had to go to work and I missed my children's first school day, I missed so many things to which my parents to the kids, because I had to work. I regret that. If you don't really need the money... why not enjoy the time your husband and you and your children have together. Have him look for a different job, a job where he can be home and read bed-time stories to the little ones and romantic dinners with you. Don't sacrifice your family and your marriage for money, its not worth it and you'll regret it later.
Sushi
Hey Chica - as you know, I have no kids, but I do have a DH who travels *a lot.*
All my best,
Danni
I don't know....this is a tough one. i think if your husband really wants to take it, I would support that. If he is rather ambivalent, then i would discourage it. Being bored at work is a big deal, and some people NEED more change than other people. How does he feel about it? is it about money? Is it just about needing change? Is it his dream job? What was the driving force behind him applying for the job in the first place?
I guess I would try to see this more from his perspective before putting the kabosh on it. How much vacation time would he get? would his schedule be fairly set, or would it change weekly? If it truly is a choice between money and family, i would 100% say choose family, but if it is not about money but overall happiness and being able to follow one's dreams, i would have to say that it is far more complicated. i hope things work out in a favorable manner for both of you,
Heather
I think a few things factor in....
How long before he might move up? Because you say that you would all be in one place then and that makes a difference.
Would the travel be during the week or on the weekends?
Do the children have any medical or other needs?
What is your support network like nearby?
Here's my experience with the traveling I'm married to college debate coach which sounds so calm-but it translates into..him being out of town about 1/3 of the year.
My husband loves what he does and is very good at it. He cannot imagine doing anything else. I often hate his job...here's why....
Travel is mostly on weekends so once DD started school & combined with him teaching night classes, it is perfectly possible for her to only see him 3-4 hours a week. She adores her father and hates that....now if you homeschool or DH would be traveling during the week it's not as much of an issue.
I do not have a support network nearby so my children have to go pretty much everywhere with me. I rarely grocery shop alone, attend Mom's Night Outs with my MOMS club, scheduling a doctor's visit requires top diplomatic negotiations. It's hard to do activities with one child and keep the other one occupied. I'm thinking of the swim lessons where DD (7) has a great time and I have a nerve wracking 30 minutes trying to keep DS (2) from falling in the pool. If I'm sick or the kids are sick I'm on duty 24 hours with no reprieve. One of my great frustrations in life are women who gripe their husbands don't help around the house then casually comment about shopping with friends on the weekend, or gasp when I mention that my kids do ride in the grocery carts (how can you expose them to the germs? I always leave mine home). Again, my sister & her husband both have travel with their jobs but since my parents live 30 minutes away and his parents live 5 minutes away they have that support. Showers are a great example here, when my sister travels, her FIL comes over every morning to take care of the 1 YO so her DH can shower and prepare for work. I have a gym membership so I can shower without my DS injuring himself.
Household obligations shift-will the extra money be able to go towards debt paydown, savings, etc. or will you just spend it on the jobs DH does around the house? My husband's only responsibility due the craziness of his work schedule is taking out the trash. He's gone most of the summer so all lawn care and gardening are my responsibility (he doesn't travel much in May/first part of June so he does help then), I pay all the bills since he's quite likely to be gone when they are due, I schedule most household/car maintenance. Be sure all bills, etc. have you as a co-holder because otherwise when he's gone and a crisis happens you'll have a hard time dealing with them. We live in a fixer-upper that is hard to fix up because while I don't mind working on it, having a 2 year old and 7 year old helper doesn't result in quality painting (please see my bathroom for any evidence needed) DH will help with stuff when he's in town but you tend to get into a routine and then it's difficult to readjust to having him around...crazy but true..
I would also look closely at how they handle reimbursements. DH puts everything on his credit card or uses the cash he gets in advance but then has to have receipts for every single item including turnpike tolls, etc. It seems like something gets lost or they don't give a receipt almost every single trip. Not big things-but he's responsible for all the money even though they might take 2-3 vans so when van #2 doesn't get the 5.00 turnpike receipt guess who winds up getting shorted on reimbursement?
I'm sure I sound negative and bitter---I'm reaching the end of the travel season, my batteries always get recharged during his month off but these are some of the issues that have come up for us.
Once on a bad weekend I typed in a google search for spouses traveling and found they had done a study and found higher rates of depression & illness among those whose spouses traveled. There is a support board at ivillage for this as well...it used to coping when spouse travels.
Taleyna
Thank you so much for the on point things to think about.
We are going to be HS next year, for reasons other than this, and his travel is going to be week days only. He would probably fly home late friday afternoon/early evening.
As far as reimburseables..thankfully they will all go on his company cc with little paperwork of proof involved if it falls in his per diem.
I don't have much of a support in this area but that doesn't bother me. I am not much of a support person. If push came to shove & I needed help I have a couple of friends that could help me out.
As far as house work-the only stuff he does has to do with him..he folds his own laundry, keeps the computer good, & he does bed time(that isn't so much him but he loves it). We have already discussed getting a web cam for bed time stories so he can still read to the kids every night. I handle all of the $$ and have approval to do everything. We live in a 3 year old condo that we had custom built so there isn't much work to do.
the move up time wasn't really discussed but it is a huge company with lots of options and my husband has always been a go to guy and I know they will see him as that.
Thanks for all of the suggestions & support. I feel a lot better about it and no matter what way it goes I know we will be okay. I just know I would rather have a happy, present hubby for 48 hours than a surly one every day....
A couple more thoughts:
1. I would ask for some details about the company credit card thing. I am REQUIRED to use the company credit card and it is an AMEX but it is in my name and deliquencies will report to my credit report. I am responsible for making the payment (which on AMEX = total charges) regardless of whether I have recvd my reimbursement. I do not have any recourse to collect a late fee from the company even if I follow all the rules about how soon after travel is completed I submitted expenses, etc. I think it is really, really unfair and I personally will be thinking long and hard before I accept these sorts of terms again. I would much rather be able to choose my own credit card (and requisite rewards) and make a min payment (even with a little interest) than have to loan my company $3-4K at times. This is a major sore spot with me.
2. Has your DH ever traveled this much? I think that people are often suprised at what a DRAG it is to travel that much. I would encourage him to really try to think about what he might miss/hate about traveling alllll the time. Obviously the family time is a factor but things like exercising and eating right and just having time to relax and do hobbies are all impacted too. I traveled about 1/4 of that in 2005 and I'm single and frankly, I don't ever want to travel that much ever again.
Peg
My Dh travels from Sunday-Friday of each week. We see him four days out of the month (Saturdays). It takes some time to adjust. For you, for him, for the kids. My son used to fuss and ask, "When is Daddy coming home??" all the time when he was a little younger (he's 7 now). Now he just accepts it, and in time your children will also. Sometimes they accept it right away, and sometimes you just have to wait a bit for the acceptance to come. What helped my son to accept not having his Daddy around so much was visiting the Atlanta airport and seeing a group of soldiers leaving for duty, being handled bibles and care packages from the USO workers, and as we stood there applauding for them as they walked away, I knelt down and explained to my son that those men and women were someone's Daddy or Mommy, and they wouldn't be seeing their little boys and girls for a long time, maybe a year or more, just so they could help keep our country safe, and how special those soldiers were because of the sacrifices they made. Then I reminded him that although it's hard to only see his Daddy one day a week....at least he does get to see him. I said, "Imagine if you had to go a whole year without seeing Dad". From that moment, he accepted it. Sure, when I've issued a punishment (no Xbox for the week, etc), he'll sigh and say, "I wish Dad would come home", but that's just normal kid stuff. He usually follows it a few hours later with a hug and an "I love you, Mom", so I just let those moments go.
We have no family living near us, so I guess the hardest things for me are lonliness at night (which I've learned to fill by resuming some old hobbies that I had let slide like scrapbooking, journal writing, reading, etc), hearing about my husband's fancy dinners on the road ("We spent $800 on dinner for 8 people!") while I'm heating up a Lean Cuisine for myself at home, and the biggest one is being the only disiplinarian in the family. Since DH is home only one day a week, that's the day that he and my son have tons of fun, and it's all giggles and laughs and hugs for the two of them. I am the one who has to set the limits, enforce the bedtimes, remind about manners and politeness, get after my son to clean up after himself, struggle with defiant behavior, moodiness, and tiredness that lead to bad attitudes, and I'm the one who issues the punishments. So I am viewed as the 'sometimes fun, sometimes angry' parent, and Daddy is the "always fun and games" parent. That makes it hard. You'll likely face that same feeling.
For my son, he misses out on his Dad a bit, but I've learned that I need to keep him busy and then each evening, he calls his Dad and talks to him for a few minutes. If there's big news to tell, I record him with my cellphone video thingy, and I text message it to my husband so he can feel more in the 'know' about our son's life. We pay an extra $5.00 for unlimited text messaging so we can do this.
For my husband, he misses us terribly on the road. He loves to travel, and he loves to see new places, and he gets paid well for what he does. More than he would if he didn't travel, definitely. But he misses us. I do my best to reassure him that we're doing fine at home, and the alarm is set, and we're safe and sound. I update him on what I'm up to and what our son is up to, and we make sure to clear our schedules for the days when he is home so we won't be too busy to enjoy him. He really dislikes travel when our son is very ill and he cannot be here. When our son was very little, he had to have some tests and procedures done in the hospital, and I heard from his co-workers that he actually broke down crying during a meeting from the worry of being so far away when he wanted nothing more than to be with us at the hospital. So it's hard on the Dads also.
Since your husband enjoys reading books at bedtime, could he maybe record himself reading the books? If he normally uses different voices for each character, have him do that on the recordings. Then your children will always have their Daddy with them for bedtime stories.
We've been married 13 years now, and initially, when my husband started traveling about 9 years ago, it was an adjustment, but it's just part of our normal life now. Sometimes I tell someone about my husband always being gone, and I get an "Awwww....you poor thing" kind of answer because they feel bad for me, but really, It's become so normal that it feels "odd" when he's home for a vacation or something. :-D Hopefully it will become "normal" feeling for you also, if your husband takes this new job.
Best of luck to you!
Pat :-D
Dh's company uses a Corporate Amex card for it's employees, so we have to submit all receipts to the company, they issue us a check (direct deposit), and we pay the Amex bill that comes to the house. Any problems with the account being paid would reflect on our own credit report which is a bummer. Fortunately, they've only been late on issuing our direct deposits a couple of times, and Amex has been extremely understanding. I've called them each time and let them know the exact dollar amount I 'could' send at that time, and approximately when the remaining amount would be coming. They have always been courteous and kind and thank me for calling to let them know. :-D
Pat :-D
I know that I couldn't do it. My DH is in school full time right now and working, so we don't see him much. I also work. But I do see him. There is that support, which I need. But that's me.
Do you know what your kids think about the change? Would they be ok with him being gone? My son is only 14 months, but he crawls around the house every single day checking rooms saying "dada?". So I know my DH couldn't be gone. My son needs him too much!
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