Help Me Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Help Me Please
4
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 12:32am
I am credit card debt again, and my husband has no idea that we are. We aren't near bankruptcy, but I know that if I tell him about the debt, my marriage may be over this time. You see, my husband and I filed bankruptcy, which was also discharged 6 years ago in July 06, and things were going well. He never knew the first time that we had accumulated credit card debt until it got out of control. The only way out was bankruptcy. My husband would never take the comment that we couldn't afford things. He always threw it up to my face that he made money and what did I do with it. I always worked to supplement the household, full-time before kids, then part-time when I had kids, and now full-time again, which I did so one of my children could go to college for free if accepted, he was accepted, and is about to graduate. I know that over 25 years of marriage he has never given me his full paycheck. He brings me home cash from his check, and I have never seen a paycheck stub at all. When I bring this to his attention, he starts listing all the deductions that they take out. I make about $12,000 less than him and take home $50 more than him, even though the insurance comes out of his paycheck. So I know that he is keeping some for pocket money. He golfs at least twice a week during the summer, and this is an expensive sport. So the easiest way to keep the peace was to agree to purchase the things he would want. Even after the bankruptcy, this has been the situation. I went back to my own ways. If I try to rationalize with him, he just throws the bankruptcy up to my face. He never makes me feel positive about what I am doing. I feel that I do the best that I can to pay the bills, but it is never enough. He acts like he makes so much money. Now he needs a car, and instead of buying a relative new car, he wants to buy a high-end older car, which will probably need more repairs. To get this car, he wants to refinance the house to pay off our other two car loans. Well, if we do that, he will find out about the credit card debt and there will be hell to pay. I have tried to rationally explain that we should wait, but he has never wants to hear it. I am really in a turmoil with my stupidity that I allowed this to happen again. I take full responsibility, but I don't know how to approach my husband with this. He is a very kind person in so many ways, but when he gets mad, he gets demeaning and makes me feel horrible. He also get destructive, not to me but to our personal belongings. Please help me find the courage to tell him.
Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vmjs
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 6:03am

Why do you take full responsibility?

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
In reply to: vmjs
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 7:42pm

Thanks for your kind words. I still haven't gotten the courage to tell my husband about the credit cards. I am so courageous when I'm alone and driving to work -- it always seem so clear to me that it is best to tell him, but then I get really nervous and can't do it. I have to make a decision soon and stick to it. I know it isn't going to be easy because he was so upset when we had to file bankruptcy. We are not even close to bankruptcy this time around, but I feel if we were to either pay them off or consolidate them then life would be better.

Thanks for listening.

Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
In reply to: vmjs
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 4:07am
Sounds to me like your husband is totally controlling you with guilt about the bankruptcy. He doesn't sound perfect either and he's hiding some of that money he is making too isn't he? I think you need to feel better about yourself before you tell him otherwise he is going to push you into a huge depression. He is your husband and not your father. I'm sure you could make him feel guilty about his outbursts and destructive behaviour but you don't. He has to stop throwing that bankruptcy in your face. When he does that, he puts himself on a pedestal and you way down on the ladder. Maybe you need to sit down and go over all these issues including his pocketing of some of the money. Maybe a counsellor could help the both of you but tear up the credit cards. All you can do is start again. Tell him that, like himself, you are far from perfect and that you do not want to fear him as you might a parental authority. Maybe he will not react that badly if you have already closed the credit card accounts. Get rid of the cards now so that you don't find yourself debting more. That's all you can do.

Travi

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
In reply to: vmjs
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 7:22am

I agree that you need to STOP USING THE CARDS!


If you are that afraid to tell your husband, make a plan BEFORE you tell him.

 

Image hosting by TinyPic