desperately need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
desperately need support
10
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 3:02pm

I'm looking for support. A little background:

DH lets me handle all the bills. I have secret credit cards and I have borrowed other money that he doesn't know about it. For numerous reasons, I'm not in a position to do the obvious, which is to tell him. My loans are going to come due in the next few weeks and I don't have the money that I need.

The crazy thing is that all the money has been used to support a lifestyle that is not even enviable. We have 4 children and I work full-time. My daycare costs are $1400 a month. We don't take vacations, eat out rarely, don't have the latest gadgets or nice clothes. I would think I woudl have something to show for it. Instead, we are in hock to our eyeballs (most of which DH knows about).

I'm so frustrated by how I got to this point. Have others figured out how they got here? Am I crazy? I have no addictions other than Coca-Cola and magazines. I shop at thrift stores.

Anyone who is in the same boat, or who is out of the boat, I would love to chat. I post from 8 to 5 mountain time, Monday through Friday.

Any support would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 3:26pm

I was in a similar situation in 2004. I shop at thrift stores and Walmart for my clothes and clothes for my son. My husband wears jeans and t-shirts mostly, and they last him awhile, so he needed nothing other than underwear and socks, which don't cost a bundle. We shop sales for food and use coupons. The majority of the furniture in my home, with the exception of our bed, has been with us since we first got married, fresh out of college. Most of it came from our college dorms and apartments. We were driving cars that were paid off. We took no vacations. But I was still 10K in debt, and my husband knew nothing about it. He thought our card had been paid off, and I had no clue how I was going to tell him. I figured he'd leave me, tell my family what I had done, take our son from me, etc etc. Just the fear of all of that took it's toll on me physically and emotionally. My health was a mess to the point where my GYN sat me down after checking my weight and vital signs and and had a serious one-on-one conversation about how I was going to die if I didn't make some big changes in my health. It was a scary time.

My husband found out on his own. Well, I told him about the credit card, but it was only after he suspected something was up when I wouldn't give him the bank account information to enter into his new Quicken program. Spouses usually do find out.

I figured out that my debt came from little purchases. Nothing that I could put my hand on and say, "I bought this!", but just little things....little craft items, little candles that I thought were pretty and were gone in a week after I'd used them, etc, just little things like that. A cheap pair of sandals for summer, and a cheap "on-sale" bag to go along with them. I bought them because I could justify a $5.00 bag or a $3.00 pair of sandals...but all of those small purchases added up over time...to the tune of 10K before I realized I couldn't pay the debt back on my own without my husband finding out.

So I think I've been in your shoes. I wish you could tell your husband and have it all work out like my situation did (my hubby forgave me, said it wasn't such a big deal, and we'd just work on the bills together). I think you would have a great deal less stress if you could work as a team on this.

Since you have these bills coming due so soon, is there anyone you could borrow the money from? And then start selling items in the meantime? Call it "Spring Cleaning" and start Ebaying off-season clothing and knick-nacks around the house, etc?

Pat :-D

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 3:29pm

I can honestly say I know what you are going through. I don't know how much support I can actually give you, but I am in the same predicament as you are. We have the common debt, house and car loans, but I too have "secret" credit card debt that I really can't account for and that my DH would really be upset about. We filed bankruptcy 6 years ago, and I was given back the job of doing the bills and here we are again. We aren't even close to filing bankruptcy, but we do have a large amount of credit card debt. I actually cannot even figure out where all the money went to, but it is just day to to day living expenses that are on the cards. I am still trying to find the courage to "come clean" to my husband because I really don't see any way out and maybe we can figure this out together. One thing that might help is to try and consolidate some of the credit cards to get a lower interest rate. That I have done on my own and it seems to ease the burden of the bills.

Good luck and I'm thinking of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 3:30pm

HUGS!

 

Image hosting by TinyPic

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 3:44pm

Actually around here (midwest) $1400 a month for 4 kids in daycare would be a bargain. It would run us $2000 for THREE kids for me to go back to work.

And if after paying daycare, work expenses (clothes if you need them, extra gas, etc), and the tax differential for the second income you're still bringing money home, then it's probably worth it to work.

Especially if you're already shopping sales, cooking at home, taking lunches to work, etc (which it sounds like you are).

I'd say you need to 1) be honest with your husband and 2) consider going to a cash plan. You budget you categories, get out cash for your things like grocery, target/wal-mart, any eating out, and your "fun" money (whatever is budgeted for coke and maganazines). And when it's gone it's gone. No charging.

Jennifer


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 4:27pm

Ladies: Thanks for the fast response. I do think I'm here because of all my "little purchases". I'm a sucker for anything under $7 at Target or Walmart.

I went to a therapist. She is convinced that I am here because I grew up poor and I don't want anyone to see me as that way now. We live in a highly expensive resort area which is why our cost of living is so high and why our daycare costs are so high. $1400 includes preschool for 1/2 days for each child and half-time care with a private provider. I get two of three preschool slots for free but it is still $275 per month for that. I would remove them from that but I'm getting almost $600 in services for free and I hate to make them suffer.

I make good money, $42k per year and my husband makes about the same but we have two car payments, a first and second mortgage, credit cards, health insurance, etc. You know how it is.

I guess I'm wondering if you guys are like me. I have a co-worker that talks about food constantly. Anytime she is not concentrating on something, she mentions what she ate, how her stomach is, how much she weighs, etc. (I think she used to be a bulimic). Anyway, food is not my issue but I'm noticing I'm the exact same way, about money. I'm obessed with what bills are due, what is in my checking account, what things cost, etc. I never thought I had that much of an issue with it but comparing my self to her, wow!

I'm not surprised I've kept money stuff from my husband, my mom did too. What I'm surprised about myself is the slippery slope I've gotten into about taking home office supplies, going out of the grocery store with Coke at the bottom of my cart that I'm sure the clerk hasn't seen, etc. I never thought I would be like that. Not to mention the other money stuff I've talked about already.

I'm getting better. I haven't borrowed any new money. I cashed out my IRA and my kids' college funds, which sounds bad but it was all money I put in over the last 4 years when I've been borrowing money so I really shouldnt' have had accounts started anyway. I have shared a couple of things with DH that normally I wouldn't, like whether to buy flood insurance, etc. instead of just buying it. It was hard but I'm glad I did because my goal is to not make things worse.

I've been looking at unsecured loans on the internet. I called a place today, they are unwilling to consolidate my debt without using my house or without my husband's income. Does anyone have any suggestions for a loan? My credit score is good, no 30 days late in over 10 years. Just ridiculously overextended.

I'm just feeling frantic and stressed and stupid and terribly dishonest, when I've always prided myself on being honest.

I'm in such a mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 4:46pm

Thanks, I know it makes sense to tell him but at this point, it makes more sense to me to do everything I can to avoid it as the risk is just to great. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one. I think he is slightly responsible in the sense that his reaction is so terrible that he makes it impossible to tell him.

Post when it gets to be too much and I will listen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 6:46pm
I agree with you that it makes it harder to admit what we did when the reaction would be horrible. My husband just seems to be the blamer and never takes responsibility for his spending. I posted before that he brings home his check in cash, but I know that for years he has been keeping his own private stash. When I have mentioned this to him, he gets so angry that I stopped bothering to and just suffer privately. My problem now is that we are in the process of probably refinancing so that he can get a new car. We are going to pay off our other two car loans with the cash out and I know that when this happens, he will find out about the credit cards. I also have a home equity line, which is maxed out, but the money was spent on college stuff for the kids, extremely large water bills, etc. That is something else he will probably find out when we refinance. I have always been an honest person, but I find myself trying to calculate the timing on the refinance because he is going away for a week (another spending that he thinks he deserves), and I can sign for him with a power or attorney. I feel like such a sneak and miserable person. Everytime I tell him we don't have the money to do something, he starts with me how I got him in bankruptcy and messed up his credit. I have always tried to explain that I'm not walking around with diamonds and designer clothes, but he never understands. I almost want to throw the blame back to him and say he doesn't make enough money, but I'm not the type to demean someone that I love. I made an appointment with a therapist to see where that brings me. Thanks for listening and I'm always here when it gets to be too much for you too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 3:48pm

I can totally relate. My DH is a big blamer. Usually he will come through in a crisis but oh, lordy, the fall out.

I don't have anything to show for what I've spent. I don't buy books, or clothes (unless thrift), I don't buy hardly anything. It is so frustrating.

I can say my DH also doesn't spend but he could meaning, he could easily go to REI and spend thousands are gear but I could never. For me to blow money would be spending 2 or 3 hundred dollars at Target. I'm so cheap so how come i'm in so much debt.

If it makes you feel any better, I get the mail each day (po box) so that he doesn't see late notices, I have my own PO box for my secret cards, I told him I didn't want to re-fi our house to save the $70 increase we just had mainly because he would see that my FICO dropped oodle's of points. I even changed our bank statements to my secret PO so he wouldn't see the NSF charges.

I'm kinda mad at him too. My DH makes good money but he won't agree to pay even his own bills (instead of giving me money to do so). I think he likes to have no stress but then get to blame me if the phone is disconnected. I think he feels better too because then he can blame marrying me and having kids with me for taking all of his money, forgetting that he had $20k in credit cards when he met me. And he had nothin' to show for that. I'm also mad at him for trusting me so much. It sounds dumb but if he were the kind of person that didn't trust, I wouldn't be able to snow him over.

I had 0 debt except for car and student loans and now look at me. My DH gives me $800 a week, keeping about $250 a week. That is about $12k per year and I'm stressing over paying his self-employment tax! I did broach this with him last month but he has not given me much of a response. I'm furious with him over money. Particularly since it is eating away at me.

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. I think it is a good idea just to be able to vent to someone. My therapist has known me for years and I told her everything. Unfortunately, she became convinced that I won't get better til I fess up and so spent the last session sitting in silence until I agreed that I would have a plan for telling. I had gone to her originally to find out how I got here but I'm not feeling like I'm getting that answer. She said my search for the answer is a form of denial that is keeping me from fessing up. I don't know if I agree.

I have done something good with my DH. I wrote out all of our bills and balances (not showing my personal ones that he doesn't know about) so that he could see how much money we make and how much goes out. (On that we show about $60 income over expenses) So at least I'm not lying about that part of it.

Let me know how the therapist goes.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2002
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 10:01am

hi there,

VMJS - I just wanted to say from the outside looking in reading your post, please don't blame yourself and feel like a sneak when your husband is bringing home cash instead of a paycheck. It seems like the same to me - he is sneaking on what he makes. And it sounds like he is taking nice car of himself - new cars, trips, etc. I just wanted you to know that from the outside, it looks 50/50 to me even though it sounds like he is trying to blame you instead. Hope I didn't just cross a boundary here and I don't mean anything rude toward your family. It just seemed that you are hard on yourself and I just wanted to remind you to be gentle to yourself. We are only human afterall... :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 5:22pm
To: LDP328
You definitely did not cross a boundary at all. I appreciate all the advice and all the good thoughts. I went to my first therapist meeting today and she said exactly the same thing. She made me feel a little better about the situation (but not a whole lot). She told me to think about telling him about the debt. But I still haven't gotten the courage. I don't know how long I can hold out for without telling him, I know he wants that car so bad, but I'm working on my courage every day. Thanks for the positive feedback.