"We can't afford that right now"
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"We can't afford that right now"
| Wed, 03-22-2006 - 7:47am |
Alright folks - I need everyone to put on their thinking caps!
| Wed, 03-22-2006 - 7:47am |
Alright folks - I need everyone to put on their thinking caps!
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I found with my exH the fewer the words the better the reaction. The most effective tool I had to get him on the page of debt was to show a very detailed spreadsheet of everything. It took me time to prepare it, but then he could see everything. We were not divorced due to financial reasons - just to let you know.
I think a better way of saying 'we can't afford it right now' may be saying something like 'How much should we start putting aside to save for it?' but obviously said in a constructive tone, not a sarcastic. I think tone of voice can really influence how your partner reacts. Then pull out spreadsheet and see where you can budget.
A lot of people like instant gratification, and it seems the pulling of the plastic is just that.
I hope that helps.
I am very careful not to use the phrase, "We can't afford it" around my kids. I don't want them to grow up feeling deprived and, more importantly, I don't want them to grow up thinking that if they just had more money they could "afford" everything they want.
Instead, I sometimes say, "I don't choose to spend our money on that," or, if we have some money but I wanted to spend it on something else, I may give them a choice, "We can buy that now, but then we won't have that money to spend on x later." Of course I only do that if I'm willing to spend the money either way.
Also, one VERY effective method I've found with my five-year-old that completely ends the "I wanna" whines, is that we keep a running list of things he wants. We call it the birthday/christmas list (and it doesn't matter a bit that it's still most of the year away from both), and as soon as he starts asking for things, I say, "Let's put it on your Christmas list." I used to actually write it down, but now he's content with a mental checklist. It helps that we did this right before Christmas/birthday last year and then, sure enough, about four of his top items showed up, so he knows it means something. But it doesn't seem to matter an iota that he won't be getting ALL of the items, or even most of them. He just seems to want me to know that he wants them, and to have some hope that maybe some day he'll get at least some of it. We can usually get out of the store (even a really cool toy store) without buying a single thing, and without a single whine.
I don't know whether the same tactic will work with the big guys LOL. I do know, however, that for me it helps to space things out. Instead of saying, "I can't have that," I say, "I can have that when..." and then define a set of criteria, like having the money saved, and/or meeting some other financial goal. It slows down the spending without us feeling deprived. I do the same thing with food, by the way--left to my pure impulses, I'll sit in a chair and read and eat ALL DAY without stopping, getting plumper and rounder every minute. Of course I don't actually do that, since I have kids and a budget, but to prevent the constant cravings, instead of telling myself I can't have something, I say I can have something else to eat "when"--usually after a certain time of day. And then I allow myself to pick whatever one item I want to eat, and save the other items for "when."
Maybe for the husbands it would help to say, "Let's save for Christmas" or some other special event. Then, as the "event" approaches, he may have several things he wants to do with that money and he'll begin to prioritize. I know one thing that happened with my dh when we started saving money ahead for things is that it would come time to go spend the money, and he would suddenly realize that it wasn't really worth all that after all, that he'd rather have the money for something else. It's much harder to let go of money when you've taken the time to save it up in advance.
Anyway, back to the original question: my usual response is "That's not how I/we choose to spend our money." To dh, my usual response is, "Where would you like to take the money from for that?" Then he can sit down with me and look over the spreadsheets and see where we have money stashed, and what it's earmarked for, and we can decide together whether it's worth sacrificing one of these other goals for. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't. But it's never because we can't "afford" to do it. It's always because we *choose* to do something else with our money.
Now, I will admit, I have less noble moments (my inner self is laughing with glee at the understatement here). Moments when I drag my kids out of the store screaming (them, not me, though I sometimes feel like it) and growling (me, not them), "I am NOT spending my hard-earned money on that JUNK and that's FINAL!!" LOL
Thanks for the great question. I think it's a really important one because debt (and getting out of it) is as much--maybe more--about psychology as it is about numbers. And how we think about the reasons we're not spending plays an enormous role in our ability to keep at it.
Blessings,
Heather
I'm not in a relationship but I think this is an important exercise for how I talk to myself too. I agree that "I can't afford that" doesn't really give me very much satisfaction. Sort of like when I label food as "bad". Might as well say "I'm going to set off a little mental temper tantrum followed by a choreographed rebellion!". LOL
My first reaction when I read Danni's post was something around goals. Maybe "That wasn't one of our financial goals. Should we look at them again?". Also maybe something along the lines of (depending on how fast you can do math on your feet) "We could save x per paycheck/week/month and get it in x months" or a baby step might be "We could save 1/2 and then borrow for the rest". How about "Maybe we could do that with our next bonus, tax return, etc."?
I think the other thing for me at least is to make sure I do have enough wiggle room in my budget for small indulgences regularly and that I take some fairly substantial portion of windfall amounts and do something indulgent with them. My debt is at a very manageable interest rate though. I know that my attitude around this might be a lot different if I was paying 18-21% or higher interest.
Peg
What great ideas everyone has given
Hello,
My DH is starting to get the "car itch". We bought our Honda CRV new 5 years and it now has 140k miles on it. I'm *really* not interested in taking on a car loan right now. My DH started a new job recently (and just received his first paycheck) so he's starting to think in terms of "we can afford this". I suggested that we set up a "car fund" and start contributing to it. When we have enough to buy the one he wants, *then* we can go shopping for lightly used vehicles. He pouts a little, but understands what I'm saying.
I have a few "placeholder" sinking funds that hold 5 or 10 dollars, because eventually I want to fill them up and use them regularly (vacations, for instance). The car fund is one of those.
However, DH is being somewhat sensible about it. We do have the rest of his severance pay ($14,000) that we didn't spend before he found another job. He's looking at that amount and the trade-in value of our current car (about $4000) and thinking "we could pay cash!" I'd rather put the severance pay toward debt or a full funded emergency fund, but if we *do* buy a car, better to have it paid for in cash!
Sincerely,
Lindsey Schocke
Sincerely,
Lindsey Schocke
Geeks on Tap: Mission Accomplished
Usually, I can just tell my Dh that "it's not in the budget right now".
Other times, I'll say, "Maybe we can afford it after the car is paid off", if it's a big-ticket item.
Just recently, I updated him on our credit card balance and told him I wanted to pay it all off by the end of Summer, and he was excited about that--so reminding him of our goal to pay this card off sometimes stops him from spending money.
Another more subtle trick I've used is to talk about the ways I've avoided spending money to remind him that I'm making sacrifices too. Recently, my son and I went on a field trip for Literature (we homeschool--so we visited a Shakespearean Theater Company). When I called DH to tell him how it went, I told him how great of a time we'd had, and then I added, "..and I packed a picnic lunch for us and stopped at the park on the way home to eat. I just couldn't see spending money on food when we have plenty at the house". Or after a busy day, I'll talk to Dh and tell him that our son wanted to stop at Burger King, but I didn't want to waste the money on eating out, so I told him I'd make him something at the house and maybe fix him a homemade vanilla milkshake as a treat. Just subtle hints like these help over time. :-D
One more thing that works for me to to remind Dh of all the things we have coming up in the next couple of months. I don't neccessarily talk about these events in terms of money, but rather "time"....but I know he sees the dollar signs in his mind. For example, I'd say something like, "I have to schedule a private lesson for DS to make sure he's ready for that tournament next month, and he has to have as much time to practice as possible because he won't be able to practice in the hotel room with his weapons...and then we'll have to gear up for belt testing (which he knows costs $50 each test), and then we've got to get ready for driving up to visit our parents a couple of weeks after that..." and that allows him to see all the expenses we have coming up, but all I mentioned was the time that we would be busy...not the actual amounts. This usually works too. :-D
Pat :-D
Hmmm...
I've always just said: "we can't afford that right now", or "we are so close to making rent, I'm not sure".
Dh right now has a vested interest in not pulling out his credit card, because that's what we're putting the trip on. If he spends money on it now, he'll have less later. My cards have higher limits and more space, but his card is a student card - the limit can't go higher.
Maybe I'll try using different words, just because I don't want DH to feel poor. I don't feel poor - I'm stressed, but still happy. It's easier for me, though, because all of my friends know our situation, and sympathize - his friends don't know, and assume that he's the same as them. (Then again, his friends also don't ask him to do expensive stuff - it's mostly poker nights, etc. Whereas my friends want to go on weekend trips, etc., and have simply cut these out for a year out of sympathy to me).
Lately I've been saying: "That would be a great birthday gift - it's so hard to think of presents for you" to DH and "which would you rather have: this, or a house" to myself. Dh finds the whole this or a house thing cute, which is actually kind of annoying - like he's going along with saving small bits of money because he thinks I'm cute and not because he wants a better life. (I know this isn't true, but he seriously does think it's cute and has this dopey half grin).
I guess I am lucky in that way...my husband just has to see the horrified look on my face and he starts laughing and knows it isn't in my budget'-) We negotiate from there. I don't deviate from the budget lightly so he really has to sell me. But on the same note I try really hard to get him the things he wants...he works really hard so I can be home with the kids and I appreciate that.
But trust me...the "it's not in the budget" look gets him everytime...I think it is a look of appalled shock
i agree with 2loca.
when me or DH mention to one another about wanting something out-of-budget, we both come back with this look of appalled shock. it's good b/c we keep each other in check, but it's bad because it is such a reality of how bad it has been/can be some months.
i can't wait until that day when we don't have to be scared of indulging a little. i fear that day is far off since there is a baby due in 9 weeks.. but here's hoping. we're all healthy and happy and doing well *this* month. and next month's budget is made out and we should be okay there, too.
one day at a time, right??
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