Re-locate?
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| Mon, 04-03-2006 - 12:28pm |
My husband and I are in the process of closing out his business with his partner. We have gone without an income since the end of December. While we have been able to keep current on our bills, we are sinking deeper and deeper into debt. His partner is a total @#$% and we can't wait to close this chapter of our lives.
We haven't been able to sign any jobs with our new company as this is the absolute worst time of year to do so. We are therefore job hunting and my husband has posed the idea of moving to the Raleigh area. This is about 6 hours away from us. We have always thought about moving to this area and from his perspective if we're in a position of starting over now may be the best time. It would also cost us much less to live down there as well as selling our house would help us eliminate some of our debt and even allow us to have some to put down on a new home.
I'm not really sure why I'm posting it...actually seeing this in print seems like a no brainer to me. The only downside is that we would be moving away from neighbors that we love and relocating our kids. I never moved as a child so this seems like a big deal to me. Everyone assures me that kids are more resilient that adults. Two of our kids will be school age when we move.
Any thoughts? I guess I just really need a pep talk.
Thanks. Samey

As your husband said, this is your time to start over. Why not start over in a place that will give you a bigger chance of succeeding.
I have learned from experience both as a child who moved several times and as a parent who moved our family that it is far easier on everyone in the family to move when kids are younger, say before middle school when get involved in extra-curricular activities, sports, band, etc. When they hit puberty, friends become all-important and leaving them becomes dramatically traumatic.
Sometimes starting over can be a very good thing.
As a person who was moved a total of eight times as a child, including twice in high school, I can tell you that moving is no small matter to a child.
I agree that two of the hardest moves were in high school. The other hard move (the hardest of all) was in eighth grade. Before that, it was painful, but at least reasonably easy to integrate into the new culture. But I wouldn't do it to my children lightly.
I will admit that one factor in my aversion to moving was the fact that my feelings were never taken into consideration. They weren't even acknowledged--I was made fun of for being sad about leaving a place that I had hated three years earlier (when we first arrived). Don't get me wrong--my parents are wonderful, and I had a very good upbringing in many, many respects. But acknowledging my sadness was not one of my folks's strong points. It still chaffs and hurts, and I still sometimes feel that my feelings are not valid or worthy, because of that.
SO, if you do move them, listen to them. Sympathize. You don't have to change your plans just because they're sad, but do recognize that they *are* sad and let them *be* sad for a while. Realize that their feelings will not always be rational, but they will always be valid. My five-year-old, when he was three, moved with us from our cramped apartment to a gorgeous house with a backyard and a pond across the street. Nonetheless, the first morning, he sat up in bed and said, "I want to go home." It won't matter what's good, bad or indifferent, they will feel sad. But if you validate their feelings, listen and simply be there for them, it will make a world of difference.
They will adjust, though they may always feel nostalgic about their "home." I know I always was. I still am sometimes--in my heart, though I would never want to live there again, "home" is still where I lived when I was 5 to 9 years old. I don't really know why that is. It just imprinted itself on my heart. Of course, I carry home with me everywhere, and everywhere I've ever been is a piece of home to me. Where am I from? Everywhere and nowhere.
And it's not like you'll be moving them every three years. So I say, if it will significantly improve yours and your children's quality of life, go for it. They'll thank you later.
Whatever you decide, may many blessings follow you.
Heather
My Dh and I moved in Jan 2005, and we struggled with that decision for many of the same reason you list. I moved once as a child, when I was too little to remember, an my Dh had never moved, but, we were stuck in a bad situation. The job market had gone sout, and my Dh had been unemployed for a year, we were away from all our families and supports, and we were in a house that was too expensive. I was offered a job near our hometowns and we opted to move. We were able to purchase a much nicer home for less than the price of our old home, and we were able to put that money toward debt reduction. DH was able to get a new job, and we have lots of supports where we are now. It was a transition for our kids, and they still have days that they talk about "home" but, on the whole it was a great move for us.
For DH and I the change in terms of mortgage has been trememdous, and we are so much less stressed about a money, that this has carried over into our marriage being happier, and our kids being happier. Good Luck with whatever you decide.
My family has moved four times in under four years, and my kids are totally ok with it. One thing we did was stress the positive for a solid month each time before we moved...hyped ir up. The first big move was away from all of our family, and our oldest was only 5...we promised her a kitten as soon as we got there....no problem. The second move, we opted to take our oldest out of school and homeschool her...very smart decision looking back...the transition was easy. The third move was to a much bigger place....we went to the neighborhood park a lot the first couple of weeks. Our latest move was this past weekend..we moved back near our family...the kids are ecstatic. I certainly don't recommend moving as often as our circumstances have led us to move, BUT if you can keep the family stuff constant, take your time about it so that the kids don't feel ignored in the process, then things will be ok. We got here Sunday with the moving truck....our neighborhood school is full so our third grader is looking at a forced bussing situation and hasn't started school because our youngest is on an IEP and we need to know which school she will go to so that we can keep them together, anyhow, the boxes are still scattered about, but the kids did get to go to chuckecheese this weekend with their aunt, so all is good.
It is partly the age, too. I was not happy as a third grader when I had to change schools to joing the gifted class, and even in October, I didn't invite anyone to my birthday party from the new school, but by mid-November, I had made a lot of frined and was hanging out with them. The next year, i didn't invite anyone from the old school.
so just remember that the kids will take their cues from you somewhat...if you are totally stressed, then they will be, too...if not, you might just get lucky! Good luck with whatever you decide,
Heather
I can totally sympathize with you regarding moving the kids. We are looking at a move this time next year. My dh is military and plans on making a career of it, so we've got about 13 more years to go. We've already moved once from home, well actually twice. In 99 we moved from home to our duty station, but ds was only 8 mos old, moved back home when ds was 2 and dd was 5 mos, now we are back at the same duty station we were at (since 2004) and the kids were 3 1/2 and 5 1/2. They were sad to leave home, but seemed to transition well when we got here. My concern is this next move. Ds is easier with change it seems (somewhat), but dd doesn't really care for it. She even had a hard time changing teachers in the middle of this school year, I can only imagine how she will be when she changes schools.
While I totally support my dh I am concerned and sad as well for what the kids will have to go through with moving and making new friends and all. I know military kids do it all the time, but I never moved (but once) when I was a child and pretty much the same with dh, it just makes me sad that they won't have the same as us. Like Heather said I think you just need to sympathize with your kids and understand and listen to their feelings as well regarding the move. It's hard, but like another poster said they will take their cues from you.
Good luck on the move and I say if it will benefit you all financially in the long run that's probably the best thing that can be done for your family at this point.
Michelle
Hi Michelle (and others),
I just wanted to add that moving a lot had its upsides too--it wasn't all bad. For instance, I developed a strong cosmopolitan identity, and a good cultural understanding for many ways of living. To this day, I am very understanding of different lifestyle choices and the effect culture has on peoples's attitudes, habits, and so forth. I'm a very non-judgmental person, and I've learned not to think that just because I do something a certain way or have always seen it done that way, that's it's necessarily the only or best way to do it. Also, I have TONS of great stories to tell. And I'm good at making new friends. I'm also good at helping other people feel at home, and at reaching out to others who seem different or out of place. This has led to many interesting, deep, deeply rewarding relationships that I think many people miss because they don't know how to interact with people who are very different from them. I think all these things were gifts from my unusual upbringing.
The downside is, of course, I had to really learn what to do with a friendship after about four years. There really is a different quality to older friendships, and for me there's about a four-year barrier where I begin to not know what to do and how to go about getting past the difficult spots and building a deeper relationship. I HAVE learned to do it, it's just been hard. I also often crave the deep sense of community I see many people feel for the people and places they grew up with.
I don't want to make anyone feel discouraged or unhappy about having to move their kids. Military kids tend, in general, to be very well adjusted and very bright youngsters--there's something about being exposed to so many cultures and ways of living that brings out the best in many people.
I think if that one thing had been changed, if my feelings had been honored and respected, that it would have made a world of difference for me. But on the other hand, I don't think it's necessary to wallow in negative feelings either. By all means emphasize the positive, but also allow children unhindered periods of time to just be sad or mad or whatever without having to listen to why they should be happy. Oh, and don't forget to continue to honor those old connections by helping them exchange photos, letters, or phone calls, if they so choose.
Blessings,
Heather