On the topic of hiding debts

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
On the topic of hiding debts
1
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 11:45am

lvhunnie's comment in my other active thread gave me a lightbulb moment. I realized suddenly that some of my money stress has to do with something that goes back several years, and that I thought deserved its own thread for posterity (since the issue of hiding debts comes up so often, and since this relates to something we don't often talk about--the repercussions several years down the road).

Quick background for those who don't already know: A small portion of our debt (about $1000) came from dh's business expenses that he was irresponsible with and didn't, as a result, get reimbursed for. This would have been an annoyance in itself, but not a major long-lasting deal, except that he hid it from me. I knew about it originally, but then he always claimed he was taking care of it. I would ask him periodically, "How are you taking care of that when you don't have money" and he would tell me he was taking care of it. He hid mail from me related to the debts, and it was a couple years later that I finally found out (he even hid credit reports from me, and I was only able to get the information by calling his credit report up online, where he couldn't intercept the mail and keep it from me any longer). I screamed, yelled, held it over his head, boy I was p.o.'ed. It took a while, but he gradually regained my trust, and I got the debt taken care of pronto.

About a year ago, I decided that Dh had earned my trust enough that he was "issued" (lol) a credit card to use for business expenses again. They were small expenses--lunches and minor office supplies--that he was to be reimbursed for. Once, a few months ago, I noticed an interest charge on the card, and he said that his reimbursements were coming too slowly. He ended up paying the interest charge, plus some extra for items he miscalculated, out of his personal allowance. I asked him to get the card paid to zero before making any new charges. He resisted, we went back and forth for another month or two, he complained, finally he did it. Then the whole cycle repeated itself again. My stress levels went through the roof. I tried not to think about it, tried not to worry that it was all happening again, tried to be patient. But I was gnawing my nails in anxiety. I asked him to pay it down to zero again.

Finally, two days ago, he came into the room with his head hung low. He said he was really sorry, and he felt like a real idiot, but that he had made a mistake again. He didn't want to say by how much, but he had worked out a plan for repaying it out of his allowance over the next few months. He said it was a lot (the total balance on the card, which I have online access too, thank heavens, was $350--some of that he's expecting reimbursement for, so his debt total is somewhere less than that). He was very, very apologetic and abjectly worried. And his self esteem was clearly at an all time low. I bit my tongue. All I can think is, "How is it even possible? How can you lose track of that much money, when it's all supposed to be business expenses? How do you spend that much money without even realizing it?????" But I bit my tongue. He doesn't need a tongue lashing from me. I gave him a hug instead.

He turned in his card again (voluntarily, and I didn't refuse). He paid $60 out of his allowance toward the credit card. He'll pay again next month, and continue to pay until it's paid off. He's cancelled one of his two subscriptions (an online game is one, and a video thingy is the other).

So I have left it alone, and not bothered him about it further. But I realized today that this is simmering under the surface and is a big part of why I am so stressed about money. I don't even know the exact amount of the "debt," which is one thing bothering me. I can see how much is owed on that card, but I don't know how much is reimburseable (his business cell phone charges to that card, for one thing, so that is a recurring cost that will be regularly reimbursed, and therefore I will probably never have an exact penny amount that he owes out of his personal money). He probably doesn't know the exact amount himself. And it's just the very IDEA--that we owe money we don't have, that we actually accrued NEW debt this month. It's under my skin and it's driving me crazy.

So, anyway, I just thought I'd add that to my long, rambling, angst-ridden message, lol. It feels better just to have identified it and talked about it. And I thought it might be helpful to others who may go through something similar, from either side of the equation. I know that when you have a compulsive shopping/money management illness such as my husband's (I can't think of anything it could be but an illness, when an otherwise intelligent, rational, honest human being consistently behaves in an irrational, unintelligent, dishonest way in regard to only one thing--money), it can be hard to kick to begin with. And it doesn't just go away overnight, either. And, we've just learned, it can rear its ugly head years later. But, at least in this case, it's gotten better. He was able to recognize the mistake, admit to it, and move on. And I didn't yell or scream! LOL

Baby steps. It's all baby steps. :)

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:30am

Hi Heather!

Take a deep breath!! You're dh sounds like a wonderful man, I'm so glad you didn't blow up at him. It's so cute really how he came in the room like that! At least he knows he was getting himself back into cc trouble and let you know right away. What kind of stuff was he buying, won't his company reimburse all of it? Will he have any allowance left for himself after he puts it back on the card?

I've finally come to accept that my dh is going to want stuff~~~ he works very hard and should be able to get some things. I used to take big fits and scream but it just made him resent me and want to spend more out of spite. The things he wants usually aren't too expensive ~like last month, he called from Sears because they had a chainsaw on sale plus he had a gift card so he wanted to know if I minded if he got it and to debit or credit it. I said it was fine, and I used my birthday money to pay it off(but I didn't tell him that because he would feel bad.) I knew we needed the chainsaw since we had a wooden fence that needed torn down and we are getting a wood burning fireplace in our new house. But on some other things (like the hunting gun he wants)I nicely tell him yes, but just hang on until I pay this or until we have our downpayment saved up. He's been giving me, voluntarily, his monthly bonus checks for the downpayment. So once it's saved up he can keep those and have his gun in no time.

Hang in there with him, we gotta love our guys~~who else would put up with them anyway!? LOL! ;) Nicki