Getting DH to cooperate... ?! / rant
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| Wed, 05-24-2006 - 5:24am |
Hi,
I am not really sure whether tobe relieved or to be angry, again... we had one of 'those' talks a few days ago. Took me some time to get over it....
Background: I am the one with a regular income that is enough to pay most of our regular expenses. He has a tiny regular income and has a small firm (no employees, just him alone). Rent and insurances are directly debited from my account, 'cause we figured them to be the most important things. I can live with an angry phone-company, but not with an angry landlady waiting for the rent.
The problem: I have no idea how much he makes per month. I have no idea how much he spends. I try to reduce my debt - which basically is MY debt, since his account's figures look good - but I can't budget, I can't do anything sensible in the way of planing without knowing his figures!
I was and am the one insisting on keeping seperate accounts, admitted. We kow each other know for exactly half of my live and I always have had money troubles when it comes to my own money (I am very good ith other people's money, astonishingly..).
He agreed to tracking out spending for the month of June. He fels controlled, he doesn't like the idea, he has no idea about my financial situation (though I told him many times). It sometimes feels as if he simply pulls a blanket over his head, waits for things to go away or for mommy to come and solve the problem. 'Mommy', in this case unfortunately being me. No, this probably is a bit unfair. But I am so utterly fed-up with trying to find a way to at least get a grip on our general spending - which doesn't very well work without starting to track our spending, first. All other way - giving myself a fixed money to spend each week etc. - are just work-arounds. I have an idea how much we spend on groceries, for example - but that is only for the weeks in which it is me doing the shopping...
Is it wrong to want him to cooperate in this effort? Yes, it is my debt. Some comes from being a horrible compulsive spender when I am in a depressive mood, some comes from investing quite a bit of money in my career - which starts to pay of, slowly but surely, alas. Some is from a student loan. Most is simply from me being buying stuff noone needs.
I'll see how June works out. I know I will need some system of keeping track, probably simply a large ledger, as I am used to do it with other people's money. It has a special quality to sit down and write those figures by hand, at least to me.
... and I'd definitely appreciate all ideas, hints, suggestions on how to get my dh to better cooperate with my debt-reducing effort.
Thanks for listening,
Jordis

If you really feel like you need to keep your money seperate maybe he could pay certain bills? Like if he makes 10% of the money he can pay 10% of the bills. That way he is responsible for his "fair share" and frees up some money for you to pay off your debt.
That's how Dh and I negotiate house work. I make 8% of the $$ so he does 8% of the housework....well now that I don't have a job I am hoping he won't notice he is still doing housework;-)
Well, this has always been the reason why I felt it was important to have joint accounts. To me, it is a partnership, in money, in raising kids, in managing a house, in bed, in everything. If you keep parts of it back, then it becomes your problem or his problem, as opposed to "your" problem.
I am in a similiar situation to you that I am the primary breadwinner in our family, and at times I find it very frustrating. My DH income is also totally sporadic, and I find the whole budget situtation very frustrating, I so understand where you are coming from.
What we have done is that we budget for all our fixed expenses to come out of my income, mortgage, utilities, food, gas, and minimum payments. Dh income is earmarked for debt reduction, and for childcare. The kids stay home with him when he is not working, so when he is working he pays for childcare. Our goals after all our debt is paid off is to save 50% of his income.
At least this way, I know the primary things are paid, I am not sure what advice to give you regarding getting your husband on side, for us it took a long time, and alot of talking and soul bearing to get to this. Hope this helps.....
I can understand your frustration. My ex was like that, I never knew what he made. We had this arrangement - I made the money, kept the insurance and paid the bills. He would grudgingly give me enough for the week for day care and a little extra (120 for daycare and 30 extra) when he was working (didn't half the time so no day care expense at least). Then he would blow the rest of his money on whatever he wanted like eating out so I always made him pay when we would "have" to go out and eat.
Try and sit down calmly and talk about what bills you will each pay and what the consequences will be if the bills aren't paid. Then just ignore the rest of the money he has if he won't contribute it to the household. Trust me, it is much less frustrating. Just make sure he is in charge of paying off something. It helps if it is something important to him. If he is a TV watcher then he pays the cable, uses the computer then he has the internet, or he has to buy the groceries.
In my case, I just got tired of begging for money from him or for him to go off on how he gave me all the money and I would blow it (on bills!!!) so I stopped the arrangement and let his mom have him back!
Jordis.. I totally understand. As mommaplank said.. I too am the major breadwinner in my family too. I have the responsibilty to pay all the bills.
My DH gets paid weekly, and his money is earmarked for Grocery, and daycare. We have separate accounts, because he simply can't be trusted with my debit card or the "house" money. All he cares about is the here and now. How he can have fun..ect.. He doesn't care about debt, or how good his credit it (VERY frustrating) I am the only one who is trying to get out of debt, and raise our credit score (mine at least) so when it comes time to buy another house, or car.. we will be able to ..
So here is how I deal with it:
I *make* him give me $350/week. That covers daycare ($125) and groceries (toiletries ect..) ($125) and Gas ($30) and savings (usually about $20) for the week. The extra is my fun money.. it's usually about $20 or $30 dollars. If he makes more than that (work extra hours ..ect..)fine.. he can decide what he wants to do with it. Sometimes I tell him to kick me more if I spend lots of money of gifts , ect..(especially if it's HIS family.. he has a BIG one!) Or he *borrows* money from the *house* fund during the week. My paycheck pays for everything else.. mortage, electric , phone, cable, ..you name it..I pay it!
This way may be uncoventional to some, but it works for us. Don't get me wrong, my DH is a wonderful light hearted person, but when it comes to money.. if he has control of it .. it's like a brick that brings the entire family down! It will be Beer and fun for everyone until he's scraping change. (again VERY frustrating!!)
When he gets raises.. I *raise* my standard $350/week accordingly..
If I were you, ask him for receipts when he goes to the grocery store--(or is there a place where he stashes them? I can always find receipts in my husands consule in his car...)
you are NOT alone.. My DH doesn't cooperate either.. this is just the way I deal with it--I am sure you will find your own way too. It took me a while to come up with something that worked for both of us!
Good luck : )
--Shannon
Thanks to all of you for your replies! By now I have somewhat calmed down ;-)
I took a second and a third look at all our figures - at least those I know about. I 'noticed' (well, basically I knew anyway) that I do also pay for most of the groceries and stuff like that, plus his study fees and a few other things. I told him my 'findings', and he did indeed offer to pass me 125$/months for that, even though he tried to tell me that in that case he'd "not be able to pay as often for both of us when we go out." Well, we used to go out pretty often, but curbed that drastically to once a week (and then it is only two beer for each of us!) in an effort to save. So I think it fairly justified to let him give me at least some money for groceries.
There's one thing that is his sole responsibility: He owns the car, he uses it, he pays for it - we've always had that basic rule.
I especially liked the income-housework-idea, though I fear it wouldn't work with us. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I am also the one doing 95% of the housework, which sucks at times. But he is somewhat set in his ways on this and seems to 'overlook' the mess and dishes and dirty laundry. You don't want to know how his place looked before I moved in ;-)
Thanks again for your replies. I'll see what June will bring :-)
Greetings, Jordis
ivy_jordis
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Hello Jordis,
Regarding the housework, you have to *ask* him (and remind him a few times) to do house work in order for him to notice it. My DH will do any house work I ask him to do (but will forget if I don't ask). If I want help with the dishes, I ask for it. If I'd like him to do a load of laundry, I ask for it.
For some reason, the dirty dishes, laundry, general mess doesn't bother my DH as much as me, so I usually work on house work more than he does.
Sincerely,
Lindsey Schocke
Geeks on Tap: Mission Accomplished
Sincerely,
Lindsey Schocke
Geeks on Tap: Mission Accomplished