Mymartes post -- Needs support/feedback

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mymartes post -- Needs support/feedback
13
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 9:52am

On another note......for those who don't know how we first got into debt. While I was pregnant with our twins and we lived in California, My husband had an affair w/one of his employees. We moved back to New york. He continued the affair. Our DD had a liver transplant when she was four months old. While she was in the hospital recovering from her liver transplant, my husband had to go to California on a pending court case. (He was in a car accident.) During that trip, he stayed w/her. He bought her clothes, her kids' stuff, gave her money, etc. I found out of the affair about a year after all this. Called number that constantly appeared in his cellphone bills. Finally, had the time to really look at it. Remember...I was going through the stress of my DD having a liver transplant and dealing w/two infants. We went to counseling. I asked him to leave the house, he wouldn't. I didn't push because I NEEDED HIM FINANCIALLY. He ended the affair, found out he had credit card bills for approximately $40K. Money he spent on her.


Fast foward....My twins are 4 1/2 years old. We built a house in the Poconos. However, deep down, I know I haven't forgiven him. Also he had killed my love for him. In fact, when he's away on business trips, I don't miss him. He's finally realized that I don't really love him anymore. Ever since i found out about affair, haven't been able to tell him I love him. Because I don't. Infact, he should have figured it out a long time ago. I stopped sleeping in the same bed w/him. He now wants to split up. However, he doesn't have a place to go. Supposely, he doesn't want to move into our home. I, in the other hand,want to move into the house w/or without him. My kids love the house and being there. I do too.


Sorry it's off topic, do you all think I'm crazy moving to the mountains w/my kids? He said he doesn't want a divorce, he just wants to separate.


Thanks for reading this. I still can't post a new discussion. This is the reason why I posted this here. For all of you who knows about our debt/affair, you've all helped me. This is why I feel comfortable in posting this situation on this board.


MYM

Becky mom to


Carolyn (6th), Aaron (3rd), Kyle (Kindie), Luke (2)


CL to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 10:22am
Hugs, hugs and more hugs. My suggestion: see a good lawyer. You need in all things to protect yourself and your children. Find out the pros and cons of LEGAL separation vs divorce. Find it all out -- about taxes, custody of children, financial obligations. We (or at least I) could give you all sorts of advice like KICK HIM OUT but you need to see all the legal ramifications of both paths -- separation vs divorce. And yes -- you should move into the house and live there, but you have to find out if it will be possible financially. You can't count on him. Usually there is a "lawyer referral" service offered by the county (do you have counties there?) bar association. You pay a low fee -- usually 25 to 50 dollars to run the scenario past the lawyer and get some advice. They also will tell you how much the legal process will cost. You are under no obligation to go with that lawyer -- but you can pick his/her brain pretty cheaply and get some good legal advice.
Clearly you have come to the point where you have to make some decisions. But try to get a clear idea of what will happen on both the possible paths.
Hugs again,
Megan
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 8:04pm
Hi again,
I've had you on my mind most of the day -- I really think you need to move on emotionally and financially. Please do see a lawyer who can give you good factual advice. You have been through way too much emotionally. I just can't imagine working to pay off debt incurred by your husband for the other person. It's just too much. Hopefully your little ones are doing well. Holding you in support.
Megan
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 10:47pm

Mymartes-


What a difficult situation-would you have employment in the Poconos?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:12pm
Hi, M.--I am so sorry you have had to go through this emotional upheaval--it brought back thoughts of my own parents' divorce. I agree, you need a good attorney to sort out the options. I dunno if most of the debt was incurred in a community property state (California, you say?), but it seems to me your soon-to-be ex should shoulder most of that responsibility. You say he has no place to go, is debating about moving to new place, etc. Personally, I think it would be an emotional slippery slope to have your DH move in, with the kids still at that impressionable age. I know, from experience, it was hard on my DM to "keep up appearances", awkward conversations/confrontations, etc., and my DM wisely got counselling to help with the feelings. Whatever your decision, I hope you will find some peace in your heart and healing. With hugs, Whiz.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:24pm

{{{MYM}}}
I'm so sorry. Life has thrown you an awful lot to deal with.

I really agree that you need some legal advice about what your options are. Separation vs. divorce, the debt and what you are and aren't responsible for, etc. I also encourage you to start doing what you need to do for yourself and let the chips fall where they may for him. He's made choices, there will be consequences. I don't think this is a mutual decision at this point. You'll have to figure out what will and won't work for you. Have you considered some counseling for yourself? I found counseling to be really helpful for me in terms of understanding more about boundaries and what those are really all about and how I have to set them and enforce them for ME not for the other person. Tough stuff but sounds like maybe it's the time you are ready to deal with it.

Keep coming back here and I hope you have some folks in real life too you can lean on.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:35pm
I would definitely look into your options. If you decide to only separate for now, do it legally so that anymore bills that are incurred are not your responsibilty if your state allows separations. Find out about how you would get support from him and how visitations will be handled. Good luck, it isn't an easy decision to make but if you are unhappy and can not forgive or trust him, than this may be the best thing for everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 4:25pm
MYM,
You have been through an awful lot. You have tried so hard to keep it altogether. You have done your best, and you are a strong, admirable person. I could not have done what you have done. I would have walked away long ago.
I hope that you find strength in those around you and the encouragement that you need to get through this difficult time. I really hope things work out for you and your children.
Take care of yourself now, and your kids. Tap that inner strength of yours and do not allow yourself to be swayed while you are vulnerable. Stand tall. we are all here for you.
prayers,
Heather
Avatar for mymartes
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:48am

Megan,
I will look into get a consultation. Usually they are free, I want to know where I stand legally. I'm just mentally feel like I'm a roller coaster.

Thanks.

MYM

Avatar for mymartes
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:50am

Thanks again, Megan.

He said he'll take care off w/whatever we need. However, I know I still need to protect myself. He make six-figures. He's due for another raise in September.

MYM

Avatar for mymartes
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:57am

Thanks Taleyna,

Well..the plan was to move to the Poconos. He will continue working in NYC. He will take the commuter bus and park the car in the park and ride. Therefore, probably would have needed to buy another car. The kids will go to school (kindergarten is part-time) and I would stay home. Once the kids, were in school full-time, I will continue what I have left to get my bachelor's degree.

So no, I don't have a job lined up in the Poconos. I know I need to consult w/an attorney. Need to find one that provides free consultation.

Thanks again.

MYM

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