Hiding from husband - NEED HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Hiding from husband - NEED HELP!
11
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 2:04pm

I just discovered your message boards yesterday and I am so relieved. I just got "discovered" hiding debt from my husband in the tune of $28,000. He knew about $12,000 of it. He isn't speaking to me (it's been 3 days now) and while I understand he is hurt and emotional he is now acting as if our life is over. While I am glad to be relieved of the hiding of the debt I am also glad because this means we need to start MAKING CHANGES.


He tells me that we will lose our house. We have always made our house payment and at least the minimum on our credit cards just fine. I am not worried about losing our house. He now tells me he will never trust me again. I deserve that but am heartbroken. He tells me I should be ashamed to look my kids in the eye because I have failed them and him.


I am crushed. Although I know I did this to us (except for the initial $12,000 in cc debt that he was a part of) I don't feel like I am a failed mother and person. I am looking for assurance that I am not terrible. He tells me I am a terrible person and a failure. He's never spoken like that to me before.


While I want to make changes and fix this and cut corners and perhaps take a second job (I work part time on MWF now and don't work at my job full time b/c of day care. We don't pay for day care) but I am willing and WANT to get a night job to help fix this.


I told my husband I'd stand by him if he wanted to stick by me through all of this. He said our relationship is over and our marriage is done. I know I deserve that but sometimes I think IT'S MONEY! We have so much more to be strong about. We have two sweet little kids. I do not think I've failed them and I do think I am a good mother.


THanks for listening. xoxo to all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 3:54pm
Hi, Beeps Mom. Welcome to our humble DSG. :) Yes, DH's and others can go ballistic when it comes to hiding debt or creative accounting. It makes them wonder what else is "hidden". Usually, one person in the partnership is a spender, the other, a saver. Not always meshed. Do check out Danni and I think Becky (CL's) had a link to an old thread on the hiding debt from others/spouse, etc. There were shared stories on there about how people did it, how they "came clean", worked it out. Hopefully, there can be phrasing about how you guys can sit down together to work on a budget, see where your triggers are and spending patterns. For example, my trigger was (and sometimes still is) the food thing. Going overboard, etc. It's like a symptom not necessarily a character flaw. You are still the same person. As people are fond of saying here, you are NOT your debt. It is a journey and learning curve. With pitfalls, some setbacks, and also discoveries (snowflaking, e-fund starting, etc.).
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2008
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 4:00pm

beepsmomx2,


first thing I can say is welcome and I'm so glad your here. I have been a lurker here for a while and finally started posting. The ladies here are wonderful. Let me just tell you that you are not a bad person and you are not a bad mom. I went through the same thing you did. I never actually told me husband how much debt we had and I used to open up cards in his name. when he finally lost his job and we had to sit down and talk about what we were gonna do about bills, etc. I had to come clean....it wasn't pretty....


we went through the same thing....he was hurt...he would tell me how did you do this? it was easy...I knew all his info, I would only put my cel number on things and I was the only one with the key to the mailbox so I would beat him to it....I tried to blame him as well telling him that whenever I tried to include him in bills he didn't want any part of it..


he told me the same thing...how could I do this to us...how could he ever trust me again...I feel exactly like you do...okay I missed up and at least this is a growing experience for us...I would tell him this is just a stepping stone and a rock thrown in our path but this is something that will just make us stronger...till this day I know he is still skeptical....if someone is calling and he sees a 1 -800 number he asks who it's for...if he sees a bill he wants to actually look at it...till this day every and than he says what surprises will I bring to him...I keep telling him there is nothing else...


it's only natural for him to feel hurt and betrayed...just give him time....I wish you all the best and hope you can make it through this...

my girlish figures...


Come read my daily struggles:

my girlish figures...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 4:49pm

Thank you for your replies. They mean a lot right now. I think my husband is ready to talk and I'm glad about that but not ready for him to put me down. I know he is talking out of anger now and I know if we stay together it will be a long, long, long time before I am trust again. I am willing to work with

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 5:10pm

Snowflaking is

Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 5:11pm

Hello and welcome to the board.

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2008
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 7:32pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2008
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 10:49pm

Hi there


Thought I would chime in here.

Avatar for earnhardt_jr_fan
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 12:57am

I think he's probably hurt that you lied to him more than he's worried about the money side of it. He's probably worried that you're hiding something more and is likely just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Give him some space and just leave him to work through the hurt that he is feeling right now. I don't agree with all of the cruel things that he's saying, but I'm sure he doesn't mean them. It's the hurt feelings talking. Give him a little time to adjust to what he's learned.


Once he is ready to talk, sit down with him (with no kids around) and be honest. Tell him that you're sorry and that you want to make a change. It's going to take him a long time to completely trust you again and you have to be willing to show him you mean what you say.


You aren't a terrible or horrible person. You made a mistake - we all make 'em, we're human for heaven's sake! You just have to accept your responsiblity for things and try and move forward. Dwelling on the past and what's done isn't going to help.


I wish you the best of luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 1:47am

Hi ladies - I just had to chime in here.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2008
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 12:23pm

Many hugs to you.

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