Q on mindset with others on $$

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Q on mindset with others on $$
21
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 11:17am

Ok ladies. Here's the breakdown and progress, albeit a small amount.


l) DH Kohls (21% interest, around $600)--paid off!


2) Car payment: paid until Oct. '08.


3) Kahuna: Down to $7700.


4) Waiting for statement for the 11% interest loan, then want to pay it off in 2-3 months ($1700) Target: October


Q--how does one change the mantra of "You're so rich" or "YOu can afford this". While folks encourage me on my diet, they do not when it comes to money. For example, there's always the can you get me a soda, water, gum, juice, candy, or whatever?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 11:24am

I was just venting about some of this to my coworkers. I don't know about others but at my work its $10 for Susie Q's birthday and $5 for the pot luck and bring a dish to this and make something for this occasion. It's out of control. I estimate last year that I spent over $300 on extras for the girls at my work. It's nuts. I have come to the conclusion that to fix this must be to end it for all. NO more gifts for b-days or baby showers or bridal showers. Perhaps I'll look cheap or bad but these people are not my family. I'd rather buy my niece something than a coworker.


Anyway, it's HARD HARD HARD to tell someone you don't have money. Friday at work a friend came up to me and suggested we go out to lunch. I told her I couldn't afford it and I had brought a sandwich from home. She offered to "loan" me money to go. I had to flatly look at her and tell her I couldn't afford to pay her back. I appreciated her offer to "loan" me lunch money but the bottom line is I don't have the $15 to spend on going out to lunch right now. Not when I had brought a sandwich. It's hard and often degrading but I KNOW I'm doing this for the better sake of my family. And in the end when my debt is GONE and I can take my kids to Disneyworld and pay for it in CASH then I will know that it was all worth it in the end.


Whiz, my DH is like yours. He acts like we are paupers. I just roll my eyes and say nothing most of the time. Sometimes you just gotta admit you don't have it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 12:09pm

Hi Whiz,

1) You need to make your monthly budget together with your husband so he really knows where the two of you stand. Again, you should both be paying all the bills -- put all your income into a joint account and take a "blow money" budget for each of you. It really helps when you are both on the same page.
"I showed him the "list" (debt list) and he looked kinda shocked."

"Told DH we CANNOT fix the bathroom at this time. He's frustrated because he says "I dont have any $$" and sometimes expects me to fix this, i.e., "You have all the $$". Yeah, right."

2) Stop paying recurring bills ahead of time. It is not helping you. Pay off the credit cards first.
"Car payment: paid until Oct. '08."

You have said in the past that your husband doesn't understand why you do this. If you both made the budget together and both got on the same page, you would come out ahead.

HTH
Megan




Edited 7/14/2008 12:22 pm ET by looking4info2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 1:49pm

Hi Whiz,


I am going to give my $0.02, but since I am not married, take it in the spirit of trying to help out.


You and DH need to be on the same page. While I am a HUGE proponent of having some separation in finances (i.e. you have your own account, he has his) I think that in this case, you need to come together more. DH seems oblivious to the situation you are in (you said he was "shocked" when you showed him the totals) while you are pulling your hair out trying to resolve the situation.


Several friends I know have just gotten married and all of them are using the percentage of pay system in their finances and it works out great. They determine how much they need for monthly expenses and then determine what percentage of pay each of them need to put it to meet their obligations (ex. she makes 3000 a month he makes 4000 a month, they each put in 50% of their pay, so she puts in 1500 and he puts in 2000). They both put in the same percentage of their paycheck towards these obligations and if there is anything left in the account at the end of the month they either put towards debt, retirement, vacation etc. When paying down debt, same things applies. They put the same percentage towards the debt.


Bex -

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 3:42pm
Hi, Bex and Megan. Thanks for input. I think where the "pay ahead" thing on the cell, car payment, etc. stems from is that I am terrified of messing up and forgeting something. Yes, even tho I have it all set up with the passwords for the various accounts (cell, car payment, etc.) online, there was one time where I did overlook or forget, or thought DH paid it, and it wasnt paid, and then the interest rate went thru the roof (temporarily) and then DH said he couldnt trust me to pay the bills and he would take over everything. Now, he sees that things are paid on time or AHEAD of time so he doesnt get mad.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 4:00pm

Others have already addressed the problems of making recurring payments ahead of time (definitely doesn't help you) and working together with your DH.

On the subject of other people thinking you have money: it's always a bad idea to spend money you don't have just to keep up with others. Think about who is important in your life and spend money on them. The rest just don't matter.

I'm fortunate in that I've rarely ever had that kind of pressure on the job, but there was a time when DH and I were under constant pressure to help the wife and children of a friend who died on 9/11. This was the lowest time in our own financial lives, and we were being asked by DH's friends every month to contribute $100 or $200 to this or that fund to help this family. Meanwhile, we were going deeper into debt just to meet our own living expenses! I was getting really steamed, because I knew the family would be very well provided for in the not too distant future, because of insurance and benefits. After about the third request for $100+, I told DH that we would NOT be contributing because we simply didn't have it.

Talk about feeling like a pariah - "No we won't contribute to our friend's widow and children." But I stuck by it because we would have been taking from *our* three children to give to them! I was right, by the way. . . within the next few years, the widow bought a big new house and got a boob job, and while I don't begrudge her anything because her situation was *terrible*, I'm glad I didn't contribute to the boob job!

On the bright side, when you get out of it, you may find yourself in the position of being able to help out financially when it really is needed, or when you just want to do it. We were able to contribute significantly to paying down our parish's debt a few months ago, and this past weekend we contributed a lot to the food and drinks at a family reunion, where we knew other people wouldn't be able to bring much. Both of those felt really good, and I didn't feel pressured at all.

And I still won't pay for coffee or donuts. I just don't need them and won't waste my money like that.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 4:47pm

Just a few words


I did some figuring this month on my bills for every 300.00 I send them at 3.9% interest my interest is going down by 2.00 and the payment is going down by one or two. So that is pretty good return on the 300.00 With your interest rate it would be maybe 4 times that much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 5:49pm
I can't think of a better way to say that I'm on a debt diet. However I think the problem stems from routine use of credit cards being the norm these days rather than the exception. You'll probably find the same people who are asking or expecting you to spend money are in a similar situation to you, but don't want to face the reality of the situation they're in.
Lyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 9:48pm

Whiz,
I am sure your bank has online bill pay: USE IT! Set up recurring payments for the standard, unchanging bills. Then they pay themselves -- you don't have to worry about it. Of course you have to deduct the payment from your checking balance, but that's it.

For bills that do not have the same charge each month, still pay them on line with your bank's bill pay. Don't go to the individual companies' websites to pay. That's just too much trouble with passwords everywhere. Just use your own bank's online bill pay.
It's free and convenient.

Do the easiest thing.

HTH,
Megan

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2008
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 10:39pm

Whiz,


Since marriage is a joint proposition, you should create a joint account for the finances as well.

 

Steve

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Tue, 07-15-2008 - 9:17am

Hi Whiz,


Glad I was able to help. Here is my best explanation (long sorry!)


So the idea behind the percentage system is to make it as easy as possible. Lets say all your bills total $5000.00 a month (this includes minimums on CC's and food) and you make $4000.00 and DH makes $3000.00. You each need to put in ~ 72% if your take home pay to cover these expenses (you put in $2880 and DH puts in $2160 - this gives you a $40 cusion each month) . So you set up a joint account, and every pay period, you put in your 72% and DH puts in his. All bills come out of this joint account. (I use PC bank which has no fees for anything, but I don't think it exists in the US).


As for the extra money, you have options.


I know two couples that do this. The first includes retirement contributions, savings for trips, kids stuff etc in their monthly expenses, so they end up putting in 90% of their income. The remaining 10% belongs to them to do with as they please and are not accountable to each other for it.


The other doesn't include individual car payments or retirements (since they already contribute through work) and they each put in about 60% of their income. Since he's a car/ electronic nut this works better for them cause he is spending his money on it and she can buy all the candles she wants (seriously, I have never met a woman with so many flippin candles!!!).


They key here is to "idiot-proof" the whole thing. First get an old fashioned calendar (or a software program if so inclined ;) ) Mark down the dates you get paid, and how much and when DH gets paid and how much. Then mark down the days that all your bills are due and how much they are.


Next, call the companies and get automatic withdrawals set up. Most companies love this because it saves them time and money. Confirm the date they are withdrawing matches up with the date you have on your calendar. If not, adjust. What this does is gives you a quick visual to let you see how much needs to be in the account at any given time. My problem is that I get paid biweekly, but some bills are monthly, ever 28 days etc. There are times when I have $300 dollars left over all bills have been paid, and others I am $300 short. This way I know how much needs to be carried over to cover my minimums.


Next, for companies that don't offer automatic withdrawal, set up automatic payment (where YOUR bank automatically pays the bill at a set time). I have this for some of the local utilities that don't have their own automatic withdrawal program. Again, confirm the date on your calendar. If all else fails and you can't do either, HIGHLIGHT in your calendar all the bills the you have to pay manually.


As each bill gets withdrawn, or you pay it, scratch it off the list. Since they are all coming out of the same account, you can easily see which ones have been paid and which haven't (no more of this "did DH pay it? Am I supposed to?")


Wow that got long. Hope you found is usefull though!


Bex

Bex -


"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift -thats why its called the present."




Bex -

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