New - need help getting to DH!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
New - need help getting to DH!
6
Wed, 08-06-2008 - 4:56pm


Hi all - I've read and taken to heart lots of your posts for some time. I'm a mom to 2 great kids (plus, a surprise on the way!) with a fantastic DH and family. DH and I have both always carried some debt, in fact he put himself through college on loans and CC. We are both well educated, but come from different "financial families", for lack of a better term. His family has always struggled to get by - but they would give you the shirt off their back in a second. He grew up "just getting by" but with a ton of love from his big family. Basically, he doesn't sweat the debt. It's just part of life to him. My family views CC as insanity and would literally DIE if they knew how much $$ we owe. It's shameful to me.

When I quit my job to be a SAHM we knew things would change. But, alas, they didn't (really). We kept on living the good life, charging things up on our big limits, and thinking "when I go back to work we'll erase all this and move on." We, too, did a home equity loan and paid things off, only to charge them back. We borrowed money from family, only to continue. We've never missed payments and have good credit. I'm back to work now, but with more than $25K in CC debt, we need to do something FAST. I'm ready to do whatever it takes. We've lowered interest rates on 4 cards to 0% until next year, 5.5% from that point on (those totals add up to about $19K) and we're working hard to pay off the higher interest (albeit lower balance) cards. Some little achievements I've been really excited about.

The problem? DH really isn't on board. I talk about "the plan" and how I need his buy-in and all, but the next night he's out with guys from work dropping $40. To him "it's just $40" -- any ideas on how I can help him see the light? I don't want to nag -- I know that won't work. I also know he works really hard, we both do! I just want us to be in a better place. I can't imagine life without a CC payment. It would be heaven!! Thanks for listening :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 08-06-2008 - 5:32pm

Welcome - it really is hard when both people aren't on board. You have another "surprise" on the way - are you saving up for that time off? That's probably your first step.


Can you make changes on your end? Cut down on your food budget, cancel cell phone plans to the cheapest, cut out unneccesaries? Until I cancelled our Hinckley Springs water service my DH didn't get that "click" that this was REAL and we had money troubles. Once he saw that water service gone he kinda got that lightbulb moment that things needed to change. Maybe your DH needs some kind of "sign" for something to change.


All I can say is maybe you both need "fun money" out of your paychecks. If he has $40 for the week or two weeks and that is GONE then that's it. No more to spend. He'll see how "its only $40" doesn't get him far. I don't know your income or expenses but if you guys limit your "fun" spending he will be forced to cut back.


We have about $28K in c/c debt that we are working to pay off. It's slow and exhausting to tackle but we are hoping it can be done.


Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2008 - 5:40pm

Hello and thanks so much for posting.

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Wed, 08-06-2008 - 9:40pm

Try this ask him if he is willing to take a lunch from home say a couple of days a week. Then the 40.00 he drops will not mean so much. Because you will be saving on the lunches. Then like Danna or someone said budget in like 30.00 a week for him to drop with the boys. Just cut him down 10.00 a week. A man needs money to go out with co-workers after work for a beer or two. Not every night but at least once a week. Maybe he could cut out one beer but he needs to do this.


I know you are trying to get him on board and he should be helping but don't take going out once a week with the co-workers away from him. Not good for him or his job.


Another thing 25,000 in debt doesn't get paid off fast It may get payment wise lowered some what but not fast.


Mary Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Wed, 08-06-2008 - 10:56pm

You've gotten a lot of good thoughts. I wanted to throw out there that many of us get in 'all-or-none' mode with ourselves or our partners. Look for incremental ways to change things if you can vs. making a big plan with big changes and asking for it to happen all at once. This is a long journey and it is a life style change. My experience on the best changes I've made (weight, money, household) is that the ones that have stuck are the ones that I took on a baby step at a time and I get it down and then change the next thing. Maybe this can be an approach you use with DH. Look for some single, small way that you can ask him change and get that under the belt and then move on.

The other suggestion I often make to people that post along this line is that a possible shared goal might go a long way. For you, it sounds like being out of debt is motivation enough. He doesn't perceive it as a problem so some other incentive might be in line. Conversations about what you could do differently without the CC debt like vacationing, retirement saving, vehicle purchases, whatever is a shared and motivating goal.

Good luck and good job posting. You're on your way!

Peg

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 08-08-2008 - 1:10pm

You already got some excellent advice. One other thing I would add is that you project into the future - do budgets for after the baby comes (you already know how expensive that is), for a year from now, for 5 years from now, making *realistic* assumptions about your and his income, the cost of childcare, the cost of activities, clothes, cars, gas, etc. as time goes on. Then share that with your husband.

That was the big wakeup call for me. I could get by month to month, but we would *never* be able to afford a house, much less college or retirement. Once I realized that, it galvanized me into taking action (which was not cutting out lattes, which we already didn't buy, but changing to a higher-paying career while paying off debt).

DH and I both grew up in debt-laden large families, and as the babies of our families, we knew nothing about being sensible about money. What we saw was that there was debt but somehow everything always worked out. Who knows how much work our parents were doing behind the scenes to juggle so they didn't get into more debt! We grew up irresponsible, but that is behind us now.

Kelly

Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-10-2008 - 10:31am
Hey there - just wondering if you have talked to your DH again and if so, how did it go?

All my best,
Danni
cl-phocid, Debt Support Group



All my best,
Danni