New To Group

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
New To Group
10
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 10:31am

I just wanted to say that I think, I am happy to have found this place. I am also going to try out another one.


I had tried the Don't Debt group and as I am not religious I was told by some members that I didn't belong there, and I felt judged and invalidated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
In reply to: fritterer
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 11:13am

depending on what part of Virginia you are living in. If it is around virginia beach lots of people live in North Carolina it is really cheap to live there and it is not that far of a drive to work in Virginia


Mary Ann


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2008
In reply to: fritterer
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 11:26am
Glad you were able to some answers,however if you run into problems with your creditors lowering your pmnts and int rates let me know.
Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: fritterer
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 11:33am
Hello Linda and welcome to the DSG.

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
In reply to: fritterer
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 2:15pm

Thanks Danna. I was very discouraged when I found that the other group, seemed so much of the time to say that the solution to this or that financial problem was, to "Turn it over to God, or our HP, and he would give us the answers."


Well, as a lifelong non-believer, that wasn't helpful to me. I finally, came out and told them that I was not a believer, and asked if they had any advice for people like me.


The advice that several of them had for me was to leave the group, as, "this is a support group for religious people, so why are you even here?" A moderator then stepped in and told the people that, "although it was religion based, all were welcome, all you needed was the desire to stop debting."


However, from that point on, it seemed as though no matter what I did, I was told I was "wrong".

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
In reply to: fritterer
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 2:24pm

Hi Linda,
Welcome to the board! It is a very supportive, encouraging place to be! I joined in January of this year, and tend to come and go as time allows. There are some very regular "regulars" with lots of wisdom to offer. I hope you will stick around. Realizing you "fritter" away small amounts of money until they are large amounts of money is a good start. Find your "money leaks" and plug those holes first.

Good luck to you!

Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
In reply to: fritterer
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 7:27pm

Hi, Linda.


I wanted to welcome you as well and tell you that you have found the right place if you want nonjudgmental support.


GL,


Robyn


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
In reply to: fritterer
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 10:04pm

Thanks,

I was really disillusioned by the other Don't Debt group, after finding that, when I needed support the most, and helpful suggestions on ways to over come my compulsive frittering, and ways to "win" this debt battle, I, instead, felt like all I got was invalidated by people who disliked me, just because I "wasn't the same as them".

I have never treated anyone like that, and found myself in tears over it.
So many of the support groups are run by religious groups for religious people, and I kept feeling like, there had to be some other groups out there that didn't have such a strong emphasis on religion.

The Co-Dependent group I went to for years, was a 12 step program run out a little frame house that was on a church's property, and it did have the HP emphasis, but that particular group seemed to be a lot more easy going, and accepting of people like myself.
I credit that group with having saved my life, and for having affected it in very positive ways for the rest of my life.

The biggest benefit of a group like this, is that everyone in it either is where you are, or worse off, and then there are plenty of people who, were there, and found ways out, and now have much happier lives, and can tell you some of the things that worked for them.

The other group wanted me to emediately cut up the credit cards and call up the creditors and get things on reduced payments and then stop borrowing completely, as soon as I got into the group.
As we are overextended but still able to pay on time, and may need to use those cards to finance a relocation to a lower cost of living area, I just didn't feel able to do that right away.
I felt that I needed, instead, to try to get my Pet Care Business going better, so that we would have extra income from that, to help us to get through, and to write down all my spending and then try to cut way back on that, and see if I couldn't manage to make ends meet without doing anything extreme right away.

Some members told me that, if I was unwilling to cut up the cards and get the debt onto payoff payments and stop borrowing completely, right away, then, I was not working the program and shouldn't be in it then.

I couldn't believe that I was being told that, as I felt like that was like telling someone who was in a Co-Dependent relationship that they had to get out of the relationship as soon as they got into the support group, or they did not belong in it, or telling drinkers that they had to stop drinking, as soon as they got into AA's.

To my way of thinking, going to these support groups, like a supoort group for smokers, trying to quit, is because you don't, feel able to stop what you are doing.
And, often, what I have seen, is people gradually, listening to how other people were able to stop, and then, when they felt ready, chosing some of the ways that worked for other people to try to see, if they could stop. And, even then, they often would fail a few times before they were able to stop completely.

If I had been told by the Co-Dependent group, that I, "didn't belong there, unless I was able to emediately get out of the Co-Dependent relationship I was in.", when the reason I was there was because I felt trapped emotionally in that relationship, and was convinced that the person I was "helping" would die if I didn't continue the relationship, then, I would never have gotten the help that I needed, and had my life saved by that group.

It came across to me as very judgmental to be telling people, that, "they don't belong in your recovery group, unless they are at a certain stage of recovery." That could mean, that you are excluding the people who need help the most, the ones who don't feel able to stop.

I am optomistic about having found this group and plan to look over the Reading List.

Thanks, Linda the Fritterer

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
In reply to: fritterer
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 7:06am

Well, I'm glad you found us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
In reply to: fritterer
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 8:47am

Hi Robyn,

I have actually read a number of books already, and I have the Dave Ramsey DVD for Dumping Debt, which I do like, although he does want folks to cut up the CC's.

I, do also think different things work for different people, just like food diets. I have become aware, that although a lot of our debt, was, "not our fault", as far as downsizings, and emergency surgeries,relocations, etc. a lot was "my fault", as I have had lifelong problems with depression, and just as many people with those kinds of problems, drink, eat, or do other things, "to cheer themselves up", I tended to shop online for used items that were on sale, with "Free Shipping". And, I did this almost every day for books, videos, DVDs. And, I would tell myself, that even though we were deeply in debt, the "little bit" that I spent on these items wasn't significant. But after wrting everything down on my calendar for months now, I have come to see that it did add up, and a *lot*.

Yesterday, I shopped on Amazon.com for used versions of the books on the book list for this group. I like Amazon.com, even though it has also been "my downfall", because it encourages me to overspend. I like that you can read all the reviews from other people who have read the books, and I got one book for one cent, plus about $4 shipping, and another for about $2, plus $4 shipping. So, for a total of $10, I got two books that I hope will inspire me to do better.

The one book I found in Amazon.com and liked was not on the list, and was called:
"1 of The Four Rules of Debt Free Prosperity", by Harris Blaine Coonradt. It had good reviews and sounded like it might be helpful. I had one of the Mary Hart books once and although it did have some good ideas, the churchiness was, for me, a turn off.

I will read things written by religious folks, just as I went to the Co-Dependent group and benefited from it, even though it was religious based. They used to have a phrase, "Take what you need, and leave the rest". They would say, if you were listening to someone, or reading a book and you heard something that you felt might work for you, then try it. If there were other things that to you, did not make sense, or would not be useful, such as, "Turn it over to God, and he will give you the answers you need.", then, don't get upset about it, just don't use that.

We have excellent credit. I have always paid everything in full and on time. But, we are seriously over extended, and I have had to borrow frequently to pay unexpected bills. I know, that to continue down this path is a road to disaster. I know, that I *have* to find a way to tighten up the spending, and bring in more, until we can get to the place where we are successfully making it through *every* month, without having to borrow anything at all. I did manage to make it through one month without borrowing and saw the payment requested on the one charge card go down by $10 a month, and I made it through this month, having to borrow only $300, even with paying out $1,000 on a medical bill of mine, and then I put a second $1,000 medical bill onto $100 a month payments.

I did learn some worthwhile things from the Don't Debt group, even though I felt unwelcome. And, there were a couple women, who, when I got out of the group, emailed me personally, and told me, that they wanted to extend their support and friendship, privately. One was non-religious, as I am, two others were religious, but wonderfully tolerant of me not being. I love all three of them, and have continued to email them.

We went through a job loss in Pgh., fell of the end of the unemployment, went deeply into debt and lost our house. My brother took us in. Then, my husband found a "good paying job", in Virginia, but we had read that the "traffic gridlock was horrendous, so you needed to live as close to your work as possible." The apartment complex we are in, was recommmended to us, by his place of work. It is nice, good neighbors, good schools for our daughter and she has made nice friends. But, the rents, which were about $1600, a month, when we moved here, about 5 yrs. ago. went up to $2200 a month, and we had had several medical disasters, some when we had no coverage, some with coverage, but not everything covered.

I have had two spinal fusions, double hips, broken femur, broken leg reoperated on to remove hardware, and revised hip replacement, and muscles relocated around to the outter area of my thigh, to try to help me to walk more normally. It hasn't worked, but that was the most recent surgery with our part of the bills at $3,000. And, both knees are bad.

On a positive note, on the "calling up creditors to talk to them". I called up our one medical bill payment place, and told them we were struggling, and they readjusted our payments from $600 a month, down to $350 a month. I talked to our rental office manager about that we were struggling to pay our rent, at $2200, because of the medical bills, and she dropped our rent down to what "new tenants" pay, which is $1900 a month.

I have heard that if you talk to the credit card company people, you often can get them to drop your payments down, or lower the interest rates, but I have not done that yet, because we have been trying to relocate to an area with a lower cost of living.

And, that is one other area, where some of what I learned from the Don't Debt group has been helpful. We have felt that we "needed" to move to a place where the cost of living was a good bit lower, as part of the "solution", to our financial problems. But, when we began to look at the jobs in those areas, consistently, the pays in all the areas where the rents came in, at about $1,000 less than we pay here, had pays that came in at about $20,000 less a year!!! At one point, that had caused us to say, "If we are just *barely* making ends meet now, and would save about, $12,000 a year on the rents, but the pay is $20,000 less, then we *can't* do it!!! We would *never* be able to pay our bills on that.

Well, one of the women in the Don't Debt group told me, that she had called up all of her creditors and told them, that she was struggling, and could *not* pay the monthly amount that they were asking her to. She said that they asked her how much she felt she could afford to pay on the debt. She said, *always* go with an amount that is lower, than what you feel you can pay, so you have some "wiggle room". But, she said, that they told her, that, "as long as she paid the *new* payment amount, as agreed on, on time and in full, every month, they would not put anything at all negative on her credit report, and she says her credit is excellent."

I now feel, that we *can* make the move to an area where the cost of living would be lower, which is what we do still feel we need to do, to be living in an area that we could continue to live in and retire in, and if it turns out that we cannot make the payments, then, we have the option to make those calls and get the payments lowered, and it will not ruin our credit.

I have just not done it yet, as I feel certain, that, although, they do not, "put anything negative on your credit report", they would cancel your "available credit". And, as when many companies hire new employees these days, do *not* pay your relocation costs, we *would* need to be able to use that credit to make the move to someplace else. If we didn't have it, we couldn't do the move. We have found that we could ship our two old cars and what we have in our apartment for under $5,000, cross country, which isn't too bad. But we *don't* have that amount.

Anyways, that is our situation, and I am glad to hear that yours has been somewhat similar. I got the feeling, that many of the people in the Don't Debt group, had been in worse shape financially, and had, felt that "they had to go with debt settlements", and they resented, that I "seemed to feel that I didn't have to do that." It was like me feeling that I "was better then them." I don't see myself as "better than anyone." We have just been "lucky" so far, in that we have been able to make the payments. If our situation continues, or gets any worse, in any way at all, we would be unable to, and then it would be time to do the settlements, or bankruptcy. We just aren't there yet.

And, even if we did end up there, two of my husband's family members have done bankruptcies and now several years down the road, have excellent credit again, have bought houses and cars, and do very well with their finances.
So, that is not the end of the world, either.

Thanks Again, Linda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
In reply to: fritterer
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 2:35pm

Hi, welcome to the board. I like it here. We are in around $70K in CC debt. We could make the min. payments, but that won't get the debt paid off soon enough.
I started a DMP with Money Management International. They are great. They will get your interest and payments lowered for you...I could never get the companies to do that for us on my own. We will be debt free in 4 years instead of 29 at the rate we were going. Please look into them and give them a call if you think it would help. It's helping us. It's really opened my eyes about how bad we need to STOP using the cards. We cut up all of them except 2. MMI will talk to you for free on the phone and tell you want they can offer. They are very thorough. It doesn't look bad on your credit report, either.tell me me if you have any questions.

Kim

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