Frustrated With Myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Frustrated With Myself.
10
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 10:39am

Hi Folks,

I am angry with myself, for "being myself". One of my most used quotes is: "We are what we are, and we do what we do."
One of the Co-Dependent group, that I used to be in's quotes was: "Change is exceedingly difficult in yourself, when you really want it, and impossible in someone else, who does not."
I am a compulsive "fritterer", who tends to online shop for things, that I convince myself, we need, and then, I get our bank balance down too low, and will become stressed out of my mind, that we may bounce something, and will then use a "credit card cash check" to deposit in the checking account, to get the balance back up to a comfortable level again, and tell myself, that I won't do it again, in spite of that I *have* done it again and again.

My husband, this past week was off in Colorado, with my two grown sons, using a free plane ticket that we had, to go, to see if that area was where we wanted to try to relocate to.

I had told myself that I was going to keep a *very* tight budget this week so his going on that trip, would not affect our budget badly, and then, instead, told myself that, our daughter "needed" a few pants and blouses for school, to the tune of $80, our dog "needed" a walking harness so she doesn't choke and gag herself on leash, to the tune of $25, we "needed" a couple used books on getting out of debt, for another $15, and I did shop for DVD's, but couldn't find any I liked. I told myself that we "needed" three calendars for next year, another $40, and that my husband "needed" some really cool business cards to put onto job applications, for $25.

I told myself that we could afford these things, as I had *really* watched what I spent at the grocery store over this week, and then, realized, that I had made two trips to the store, and spent about $80 each time.

I found myself tossing and turning, unable to sleep, stressed out over whether we will be able to make it through the next two weeks, on what we have left in our bank account, and also, relocation in general, which gives me panic attacks, over fear that it could be a mistake.

Am I glad, that I will be getting the clothes for my daughter, the dog harness, the calendars, the business cards, and the books on getting out of debt? unfortunately, the answer to that, would probably be "Yes". I enjoy the online search for the best product, the best deal, the best price, and I get a thrill, out of knowing that, at any time, there could be a knock at the door, and someone delivering a package for me. Kind of like Xmas.

Books to "help" me with getting out of debt, in spite of that, what would help me the most at this point, would be to *not* buy any more books or videos, but to just *stop* shopping.
Movies to cheer my up and to add to my collection of ones that I watch or listen to, as I have a lot of music ones, to cheer me up.

I have struggled with depression my entire life and am on antidepressants, and feel that the online shopping is an attempt on my part to "medicate" myself, by cheering myself up.

But, a reality, as with many other compulsive behaviors that people often do, "to cheer themselves up", is that, ultimately, it makes me stressed and depressed over the debt, and that makes me angry with myself.

I used to try to tell myself that the small amounts that I spent, didn't amount to much, but I now keep track of the numers, thanks to the Don't Debt group, and I now know, that just as my Pet Care Biz' which only brings in about $10 a day, adds up to $200 a month, the frittering, which can tend to average sometimes $20 a day, can easily add up to about $400 to $500 a month, which is *killing* us financially.

I will *swear*, that I am *not* going to do it any more, at all, and then, will find myself, completely convinced that we really "need" this or that thing, and it won't hurt to just get these couple things. And, in no time at all, I will realize, that I, "am doing it again", as bad as ever.

My brothers both have smoking/drinking problems, and other compulsive behavior problems, that they find it hard to control. I have some other compulsive behaviors as well, that I struggle to control.

I will sometimes feel like there is this "logical part of my brain", that will be telling me not to do this, and the "illogical part of my brain", feels like it *has* to "just buy this one thing".

My one son also has a quote: "I didn't even know that this item existed before today, but now that I know that it does, I *can't* live without it!!!"
Yep, that about covers it.

So, just feeling angry and frustrated with myself.

But, I have got a lot to do today, the dog to walk, cleaning, etc., store to go to. So, I have got to get off of here and get going, and hope that I can once again, be able to mark on my calendar, little pink permanent marker hearts all in a nice little row, for every day, that I did *not* buy anything at all, that was not a "necessity", and I did not online shop.

I desperately want to "win" this financial "battle". And, I know the, "You can't get out of a hole, by digging it deeper." I have the Dave Ramsey DVD "Dumping Debt", where he tells people to cut up their credit cards. I don't use the cards. The credit card companies mail me out every month, checks, that I can use to pay bills with, or deposit into our checking account if it gets too low, because I overspent. Those are what I use.

Possibly, if I shredded those checks when they came in, instead of putting them into a Ziploc with, "DON'T USE" on the outside, and I then *knew* that if I overspent, there would be no "save", I wouldn't spend. But, I am too afraid to not have them, to do that.

I look at it as like "free climbing", when some rock climbers will climb without using safety ropes, and the ones who do it, will say, "When, you know, that if you fall off, instead of making it to the top of the climb, you'll probably die, you *don't* fall off. You'll do whatever you *have* to do, to *not* fall off, and make it to the top."

My honest feeling is, that, that sounds good, on paper. In reality, you would struggle and claw your way, as hard as you could, to try to get to the top of the climb without falling off, but, sometimes your best efforts aren't good enough, and you would still fall, to disasterous results.

So, I feel that I "need", to have the cash checks, as a backup, and I realize, that, that probably is to my detriment. Years and years ago, I had no charge cards or cash checks at all, and I did "know" that I had to *not* overspend on our bank account, or it would bounce. And, it was a deterent. Now I just feel that I "need" to have the determination to have the checks in a drawer and just want, badly enough to *not* use them, so that they will stay in that drawer.

I was told by someone in the other group, that, "I was in denial, and still debting, and would never be solvent." It made me angry enough at the person who said it, that I was determined to prove them wrong, by mananging to not debt, at all. I made it through one month, and then had to borrow about $300 the next month, which at least was less than usual. "Progress, not perfection", I guess. But, I have slipped back into the spending again. So, I feel really frustrated and angry with myself, because I feel like I "blew it" again.

Oh well, got to get going, Take Care, Linda the Fritterer

Avatar for cl_phocid
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 10:51am

Hi Linda - I'm really sorry you're struggling so much with your behavior and know patterns.

All my best,
Danni

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-1999
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 11:02am

Dear Linda,


Yes, those little amounts add up....just like we have found with snowflaking that little amounts applied to debt can also bring the numbers down...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2008
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 11:54am

Couple thoughts for you--


1. Are you employed full time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 12:09pm

Have you looked into the

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 1:13pm
Hi,
Your thought about a change of name, is a possibly good one.
I think I tend to feel that I need to be reminded of the "negative things about myself that I need to work on, in order to change".
However, the Co-Dependent group I used to be in, used to say, that, "Change will not be possible, until you learn to love and accept yourself the way that you are, and see yourself as a good person who has value and that you like."
I have always struggled with that. My husband will tell me that he "loves me anyways". And, I will often respond that, "The problem is, that I can't love myself, or like myself."
For the time being, I am still crippled up and working to recover from multiple surgeries, so doing much other than the dog care, for now, is probably not possible.
I don't feel ready to cut up the checks, as I panic over that, if I did not have them, the bank account might bounce.
I keep feeling that I "need" to be able to have them in a drawer, not used for a while first, to know that I "don't need them".
I know that this may not be the best way, but, for now is what I am doing.
I guess I look at it, as being like an alcoholic, who needs to be able to not drink even in a room where everyone else is.
Thanks anyways. The things you suggest, for now, I don't think I am ready for, but they are good thoughts for the future.
Thanks, Linda
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 1:17pm

I wonder if any of these new rich farmers are looking for a wife???


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 1:21pm

Hi,
I am struggling, and that makes me sometimes feel very down. But, it has helped me to "keep track of my numbers".
I am aware of the "snowballing" idea.
When I can look at, that I earn only $10 a day at my job, five days a week, but that adds up to $200 a month, and spending $20 a day five days a week,adds up to a "negative" of $400 a month, then, I can look at it, on paper and say, to myself.

So, if I can continue to earn the $200, and then *not* spend the $400 as well, that would put us, $600 "to the good" each month, enough to cover all of our charge card bills each month.

It does help me, to see, that the "little changes", that I used to think, "didn't make any difference, so I might as well, go ahead and buy what I wanted to, that didn't cost much.", I can now see, can make the major differences in our life.

I will keep trying and although it will probably be a lifelong struggle, I know other people who have completely changed their lives and completely stopped frittering.
Love, Linda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 1:37pm

Thanks for your suggestions.

As my husband is a SAS Programmer, and has attended some SAS conferences, which list the contact information of other people who attended, we have made a list of people who we can try to use to Network with, one of whom lives in South Dakota.

A frustration of mine on trying to relocate is that, I am afraid of it, and unsure if we will be happy in the new place, but where we are now, is too high cost of living for it to be good place for us to stay. So there is a sense of needing to move, but where to, and with a tight job market we have been looking for two years now, and nothing.

Supposedly on credit reports it is best to have big lines of credit, but not be using them. Easier said than done. But, we need credit to do a move with, as well.

So, for those reasons, for now, I am trying to tell myself that I "ought" to be able to have the checks and not use them. A possibility might be for me to give them to my husband, and then have to ask him for them, if I think we need to use one.

I like to do trailwork, and also do the Pet Care Business, which help to keep me busy.

I know people who have been able to stop spending, and turn things around, even though they have credit available to them, just as there are people who have been able to stop drinking, even though drinks and other people with drinks are around them, and I feel like I want to try to be one of those people.

They say, that if you want to drink enough, you'll find a way, and I think if you want to borrow enough, you'll also find a way. I think I keep feeling that, I "need" to get to the place, where my determination to not spend, and then not have to borrow, because I *don't* want the credit card companies to "own" me, will be enough for me to not want it, even if it is available.

One book is called, "Debt Is Slavery". I think that I need to get to see it that way, and want to not be a "slave" to the credit card companies.

Your advice is good, I am just not ready to do all of those things yet. But thanks.
Love, Linda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 1:43pm

Thanks,
You've been kind and supportive before.

It will take me a while to get to connect people and their names to the posts, so I apologize in advance if I am a little slow on it.

But, I do remember you.

Sometimes I don't think you need suggestions, so much as just someone saying, "Sorry you're struggling."

I sometimes feel like I have read books, I have watched DVD's, I, in many ways, *know* what I "need" to do, I just haven't done it.

Kind of like when my husband will say, "Losing weight is simple, eat less, exercise more. So, why is it so hard to do that?" Just because it is.

But, if you can once get to the place where you are doing what you "need" to do, and see your success, then, often, that "reward" can influence you to continue to do that, and you can "win". Just got to get that "snowball" going in the right direction.

Thanks, Linda

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 2:56pm

around where I live is really cheap housing is dirt cheap now.