Married yet doing it alone and strugglin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Married yet doing it alone and strugglin
14
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 11:59am

Hi,


I've written on here before but I just need an outlet and more ideas.


Husband's business has been slow. It's a unique business so it's not top of mind when it comes to people buying or paying their bill (maintenance). It's @$# annoying that he has to chase for money. If he doesn't get it, then him and his partners don't take a check.


Well that was "fine" when it was just us two. Now we're expecting a baby and I'm sick of it. He gives me his 1/2 of the mortgage but usually it's late meaning he relies on me to cover--stretching my own bills.


Mortgage $1450 (ARM and we have to refi next year; he gives me $700)


Utilities approx $400


Groceries approx $300 (for 2.5 weeks)


My credit cards (2) $200 (one at $8k one at $2k )


My car $323 (paid off in June next year. Soooooooooo excited)


Equity loan minimum $200 (say hello to $30k that hasn't moved in 7 years :( )


I try to put 1,580 for bills and $659 a check in savings that fluctuates (to cover his shortness). Once I reach a $1,000 that I can afford to transfer into a high interest savings, I do so.


I know it sounds crazy to "save" that money but 1) I need the cushion for his lack of help and 2) things we need for the baby--furniture, cord blood deposit, etc.


I have $4,600 in savings but right away that's going to be gone by November betwen floors for the baby room, cord blood deposit (how's almost $2k?), and probably furniture.


I'm having a shower and while it seems rude/selfish, I'm not feeling one bit bad about putting down EVERYTHING we need whether it's expensive or not. We desperately need someone to buy us the car seat, playpen, etc. My parents were all set to help but then my mom got in a HUGE fight with my husband and now they pulled all support and no one is talking (she hates him for our money issues).


I don't know what to do anymore. If I bug him for money he gets mad (as in "I told you when I get paid. I don't know why we are discussing this"). He won't go to therapy. I don't know if a financial planner like Fidelity will help (my work 401k is with them).


I'm desperate. I did the diary and saw that my lunches are the only extra spend. Ok fine. But it's killing me that I can't get ahead with anything--saving to be ok for the baby (I wanted $10k; that's not happening). I can't get ahead with paying off that )*#)*#$ loand HE made me take out (I wanted it at $15k he forced me into $30k with the promise of paying 1/2. He never gave me money once for it). He won't get a 2nd job because in reality he still gets work calls at night and we went down that route--none of them pay well.


I signed us both up for focus groups hoping we can make a quick $100 under the promise that it's for the baby's tuition (hello daycare at $170 a week) or the equity loan since I want to make some dent, even if it's minor, by the time we have to refinance in June.


My only "hope" is my car payoff next year but that $323 was going straight to savings so I can have money for another car down the road. The way we go through money I'm worried I won't have a down payment (all I want is $10k min).


I'm over stressed and completely lost. There are days were it seems divorce is the only solution but I know it would be a disaster between giving up the house (50-50 split), taking care of the baby on my own, forcing money out of him for support (if he doens't have it now, then he won't then).


If I had a better relationship I would BEG my parents to pay 1/2 my equity but for @## sakes I'm 36 years old. I can't ask my parents who are sickly for money. It's embarassing and wrong but Im' just so desperate.


Ideas? Would someone at Fidelity help me plan as well as go through "life bills" and figure out what the problem is and a solid plan for me? Either way, I'm still winding up doing it on my own.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 12:11pm

Plumb-arsed ridiculous -- he is going to have to

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 12:24pm
I would enlist the help of a non-profit group to work with you, your limited resources and debt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 12:31pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 12:49pm

Hi & welcome. Hugs to you.


Having a baby is stressful enough than to have to worry & deal with money issues too. But that's most of our lives (I have two little ones) so we do the best we can. What about resale shops for baby furniture? Register for whatever you can but make things reasonable. If you want a $600 dresser - rethink that. If someone is going to spend that much on a dresser for you they can get a LOT more for their buck if you keep your registry reasonably priced. Also, stock up on diapers NOW. Buy size 1's and 2's and keep them in your closet. Aim for one pack per paycheck. That's what I did while pregnant.


As for your DH - just keep trying. That's the best you can do. Maybe he's frustrated too that he can't help more....and he's not able to communicate well about it? Can you try talking to him about getting a "stable" job which a stable income? And doing his other business on the side?


You are doing your best. Divorce is a sad sad situation when you have little ones if you can avoid it. Keep your chin up and keep us posted on how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 1:11pm

Thanks for the advice everyone.


He has no college degree and his background talent is sales. Him owning his own business has been the longest job he's ever held in his life (7 years). It's semi steady with huge fluctuations. We tried the 9-5 route and he's not cut for it and I couldn't do the revolving door about jobs so I told him start his own business.


I would say on average his income is probably 30s to 40s take home. Right now it's pushing low 30s (maybe even high 20s) or at least that's how it feels.


I, on the other hand make more than double his salary and my job pays for healthcare, etc since it's corporate 9-5. I went to college (BA/MA). I'm sure he just feels "secure" knowing that I have all the consistent potential. It's fine but my god, all I want is more help but his income doesn't cut it.


There was a time when he did part time waitering but with the economy he won't bring home more than a $100 and that's not worth him working 4 hours and being in the worse mood ever for dealing with jerks.


I don't want to get divorced but this money issue is constant and it circles into nowhere. My income goes up, it feels the bills go up. When he was making more and gave me 1/2 the mortgage and $200 on top of that (making it $900) then it was easier. His goal was to give me $300 extra a month but he can't do it. I get the $700 and that's it.


He can be super sweet and supportive. Yesterday he came home with a 99 cent card that said he loved me and the little bambino. He's overly eccstatic about this baby but it feels like we are utterly at wits end with finances. He lives for the day. I forsee and plan. He says I panic. I say "no kidding. Gee I wonder why". Two different modes of thinking when it comes to money and preparing.


I think his anger comes from his awareness that well, he fails in comparision to me with money.


As for the fight with him and my parents. It can't be ignored. I'm in the middle. My mom has stage IV cancer and ran out of therapy options beyond chemo. My dad has heart issues. And quite frankly this will probalby be the only grandchild they'll see. I don't have a great relationship with them (they're abusive) but I feel guilty that now that the fight happened, it's harder to involve them (well I did and my mom went Mommy Dearest about the shower out of the blue).


I'm going to have to look into some options here.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 1:37pm
Hi, and welcome aboard.:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 2:36pm

Those are good ideas. My car rate is .05% so it isn't going to get any lower (one of my godsend loans. hhhahaha).


I just did my August 08 analysis and I obviously can be smarter with shopping.


Utilties came to $309--not bad and can't cut


Groceries--$450---too many pit stops at the local grocer added up


Lunch buying--my 100% stupidity. It was a little over $100. So that is going to stop. It's just been hard with the pregnancy. I never know what I want until lunchtime. But I'm noticing the trend of salads, soups, fruit so I can bring that.


Pet food/meds--$230. This has been a rough month. 2 animals were sick and all animas (4 of them; 2 dogs/2 cats) eat different food so buying in bulk is out (1 has digestive needs the rest are completely different ages). So I signed up online for each pet food as a member hoping to get some coupons out of it.


But I told my husband the spreadsheet and he didn't get mad. I told him animals or groceries is where I need him to help out.


He said he'll take care of the $2k blood cord thing. I told him he CANNOT add it as a payment plan because it tacks on finance charges and we can't afford to do that with our refi next year. It will lower his score.


So I will look into those options. Kohls has been a godsend about baby clothes. I just got 5 onsies for $5 each or less. At least an infant doesn't need tons of clothes. Onsies can be their clothing of choice. hahaha. But I totally believe in used clothes. I found some shops nearby that have higher standards for when they get a tad bit older and wear "real" clothes. I'm a firm believer in WalMart, Kohls, and KMart. No Baby Gap, etc for my kid. They grow out of them so fast.


Maybe the focus group thing will work out too for us. At least as a 2nd night time job it's easy. 2 hours max of time to answer questions and get paid cash--can't beat it. So here's hoping.


Thanks again for the advice and the encouragement. Sometimes we all need that little hug.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 3:46pm

I don;t know where you live

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 4:01pm

He has no college degree and his background talent is sales. Him owning his own business has been the longest job he's ever held in his life (7 years). It's semi steady with huge fluctuations. We tried the 9-5 route and he's not cut for it and I couldn't do the revolving door about jobs so I told him start his own business.


Not to rid you or anything, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 5:49pm

I'm sorry you are stressed out.

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