Married yet doing it alone and strugglin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Married yet doing it alone and strugglin
14
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 11:59am

Hi,


I've written on here before but I just need an outlet and more ideas.


Husband's business has been slow. It's a unique business so it's not top of mind when it comes to people buying or paying their bill (maintenance). It's @$# annoying that he has to chase for money. If he doesn't get it, then him and his partners don't take a check.


Well that was "fine" when it was just us two. Now we're expecting a baby and I'm sick of it. He gives me his 1/2 of the mortgage but usually it's late meaning he relies on me to cover--stretching my own bills.


Mortgage $1450 (ARM and we have to refi next year; he gives me $700)


Utilities approx $400


Groceries approx $300 (for 2.5 weeks)


My credit cards (2) $200 (one at $8k one at $2k )


My car $323 (paid off in June next year. Soooooooooo excited)


Equity loan minimum $200 (say hello to $30k that hasn't moved in 7 years :( )


I try to put 1,580 for bills and $659 a check in savings that fluctuates (to cover his shortness). Once I reach a $1,000 that I can afford to transfer into a high interest savings, I do so.


I know it sounds crazy to "save" that money but 1) I need the cushion for his lack of help and 2) things we need for the baby--furniture, cord blood deposit, etc.


I have $4,600 in savings but right away that's going to be gone by November betwen floors for the baby room, cord blood deposit (how's almost $2k?), and probably furniture.


I'm having a shower and while it seems rude/selfish, I'm not feeling one bit bad about putting down EVERYTHING we need whether it's expensive or not. We desperately need someone to buy us the car seat, playpen, etc. My parents were all set to help but then my mom got in a HUGE fight with my husband and now they pulled all support and no one is talking (she hates him for our money issues).


I don't know what to do anymore. If I bug him for money he gets mad (as in "I told you when I get paid. I don't know why we are discussing this"). He won't go to therapy. I don't know if a financial planner like Fidelity will help (my work 401k is with them).


I'm desperate. I did the diary and saw that my lunches are the only extra spend. Ok fine. But it's killing me that I can't get ahead with anything--saving to be ok for the baby (I wanted $10k; that's not happening). I can't get ahead with paying off that )*#)*#$ loand HE made me take out (I wanted it at $15k he forced me into $30k with the promise of paying 1/2. He never gave me money once for it). He won't get a 2nd job because in reality he still gets work calls at night and we went down that route--none of them pay well.


I signed us both up for focus groups hoping we can make a quick $100 under the promise that it's for the baby's tuition (hello daycare at $170 a week) or the equity loan since I want to make some dent, even if it's minor, by the time we have to refinance in June.


My only "hope" is my car payoff next year but that $323 was going straight to savings so I can have money for another car down the road. The way we go through money I'm worried I won't have a down payment (all I want is $10k min).


I'm over stressed and completely lost. There are days were it seems divorce is the only solution but I know it would be a disaster between giving up the house (50-50 split), taking care of the baby on my own, forcing money out of him for support (if he doens't have it now, then he won't then).


If I had a better relationship I would BEG my parents to pay 1/2 my equity but for @## sakes I'm 36 years old. I can't ask my parents who are sickly for money. It's embarassing and wrong but Im' just so desperate.


Ideas? Would someone at Fidelity help me plan as well as go through "life bills" and figure out what the problem is and a solid plan for me? Either way, I'm still winding up doing it on my own.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 7:29pm

And if he is not contributing financially in any form, it makes me wonder a great deal about his lack of character.


His business is in a slump. Not so great.


But what eclispes the fact that his business is slow is the fact that there's a very apparent neglect for you and your child -- he won't contribute? and he gets all confrontational when you talk to him about money? He's leaving it up to you to pull the entire load financially?


This is very wrong. You can't continue to live your life like this -- and you get to do what when the child comes, support three mouths in that family?


I'd also question where his money's gone, period.


I urge you to get down to the bottom of this --

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2001
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 9:22pm

Hi,


I'm sorry you're going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 10:58pm

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Hi there,
Sorry to hear things are so stressful.

I wanted to ask you about this statement. You are saying on one hand that if he could provide you another $300/mo, he would be meeting his agreement with you and it seems like it would relieve a lot of your stress and yet in the next breath you indicate that him making $25/hour is not good enough? If he can make $100/week in food service, why is that not worth it? I would revisit this issue of it being 'worth it'. You need x amount contributed from his earnings...I would say 4 or 5 hours per week is nothing to make that happen.

Just something that jumped out at me in your statements. Hope things get a bit easier as you head down the road. Do you think it is possible for your family to live within the means of your salary alone? Is that a goal to work toward?

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 8:00am

Here's the biggest red flag is see...you said he's making $30k a year now.

Jennifer


 


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