Wedding gift - what you give?
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| Wed, 10-01-2008 - 5:00pm |
Enlighten me on what you guys think. I am in a large city - Chicago. I live in the suburbs but weddings are expensive here. I don't give my "gift" based on the type of wedding someone is having but a standard $$ we give is $100. Usually this is for me and my DH. We don't bring our kids unless they are IN a wedding.
My DH said the wedding cost has gone up to $150 now and I told him NO WAY could we afford that. We have to start RSVP'ing no then to weddings. As it is we usually know when people are getting married and I add that expense into our budget but come on! We just went to a wedding this past Saturday and we have another in two weeks. I am going to bed bath & beyond and getting a gift for the other wedding. HOpefully something that is around $50 or so which is all I can afford.
I hate to seem "cheap" but what does everyone normally give? Just curious.

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I give $100.00.
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I'd like to know what etiquette book your H got his info from.
Fortunately, I'm 46yo, and past the age where my friends are getting married, unless it's for the second time. I get invited to one or two weddings a year at this point. Most of my young colleagues, however, are in their mid-20s, which means they go to several weddings a year, and therefore the cost of them is much on their minds. We had a discussion about "covering the cost of the wedding" at lunch recently, a concept that has always horrified me - if someone wants to spend $200 a plate, why would they possibly expect me to "cover it" for them? Similarly, if someone is frugal and has their reception in a church basement, why should I give them less if I love them just as much? Anyway, the impression I got from my 20something friends is that expecting guests to "cover the cost of their dinner" is considered just as tacky by them as it is by me! - so it's not just a case of me being 20 years older than them. It's just tacky, declasse, and downright rude.
What I did when money was tight was give a gift, rather than cash - something that was distinctly *from* me & DH, distinctly *for* the couple. I've never gone to weddings where I didn't know the bride & groom well, I just think it's silly for me and silly for them, so I always know something about the taste and circumstances of the couple. If I could afford $50, I'd find a really nice serving dish, pasta set, vase, or whatever that I thought they would like.
Now that I can afford more, I ask where they are registered and I try to find the most interesting and/or useful things on the registry that are within my budget, usually in the $100-200 range. I'll usually go for knives or other useful kitchen things, rather than crystal or china, because I've noticed that people seem to appreciate it more. If I can't find anything on the registry that's appropriate, I can at least get a sense of their style and buy something else I think they would like.
But cash, never. Never, never, never.
Kelly
I googled "wedding gift etiquette." Here are some excerpts that may help you:
From SmartMoney.com:
"1. How much should I spend on a gift?
The amount you should spend on a gift is one of those gray areas that vary based on the wedding location, your age and your budget. A typical amount, says Betsy Goldberg, features editor at Modern Bride magazine, is $75. If you bring a date, expect to spend twice that amount. Don't be afraid to ask other attendees how much they plan to spend to get a better sense of what people within your social circle are giving, she says.
Though the gift amount is somewhat arbitrary, Summer Krecke, deputy editor of WeddingChannel.com, offers a few guidelines based on the guest's relationship to the bride or groom: If it's a co-worker's wedding, you should spend $75 to $100; a relative or friend, $100-$125; and if it's a close friend or close relative, anywhere from $100 to $150 or more is acceptable.
3. Should the amount I give depend on the price per dinner plate or how posh the venue is?
Quite simply, no. "Never think about it in those terms," says Martha Woodham, author of "The Bride Did What?! Etiquette for the Wedding Impaired." Instead, think about it this way: You're not expected to pay for your meal at a friend's dinner party, so why should you be expected to pay for a night of dinner and dancing at a wedding? A gift is separate from the party itself and should not be considered "the admission price to the wedding," says Woodham."
From another site:
"Contrary to popular belief, there is no calculable amount of money each person attending a wedding should spend on a wedding gift. It is not the amount of money spent on the reception divided by the number of guests. A gift should be a token of affection, and is not intended to pay for the wedding."
And another:
"There have also been discussions and debates over how much money is proper to give or how much one can spend. There is no rule for this. A gift should come from the heart and money should not be an issue. Don’t feel obligated to spend more than you can afford or feel is right. There have been those who say it’s appropriate to give a certain amount per person, to help the bride and groom defray their wedding expenses. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. What’s not appropriate is to expect a certain amount from any guest, or for a guest to feel as though he or she has to help pay for the party. The only reason a guest should be invited to a wedding is to help share in the joyous occasion, not to cover the costs."
And, from Emily Post:
"Is there a formula for figuring out how much to spend on a wedding gift? Yes – the amount spent on the gift should be based on your affection for and relationship with the couple – or their families – as well as your budget. People sometimes say that a wedding gift should cost at least as much as the bride and groom are spending on entertaining each person at the reception, but that is a myth."
So there you go. Spend what you feel is appropriate for your relationship with the couple and your own budget. Hope that helps!
Kelly
This is all good things to know.
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I am a "20-something" and holy christmas is it getting out of control. I had friends last year that calculated they spent . . . wait for it . . . $11,000 (ack) on weddings that year. Between bridesmaids dresses (she was in three) tux rentals (he was in 2) shower gifts, stags, travel, hotel and
Bex -
I usually give some sort of Christmas item for wedding gifts.
I think there are a lot of (tacky) people out there who do "expect" to get cash to cover your cost of dinner or whatever. I think that is ridiculous. My SO disagrees; he thinks that is the correct etiquette bc his friends who have gotten married have told him that. These same people have told him they register for gifts because those are supposed to be engagement/shower gifts; they still "expect" cash at the wedding.
With my friends, (who in my opinion are classier and lovelier, but hey!) they register for gifts and I pick out a gift. Same with my family. Like everyone else said, I spend depending on what I can afford and my relationship with the couple. If I can't find anything on the registry I can afford (I once went to a wedding and all that was left was luggage- v. expensive, and I was just out of college at the time) I just pick out a nice silver platter or something that seems to be their "style" based on registry items. I usually spend $100/person. My mom and dad tend to spend around $200/each (their friends don't get married anymore so they only get invited to my friends' weddings nowadays, and those people who bother to invite them are those we grew up with, and my parents are very close with). But again, my parents can just afford more than me. They also don't give cash.
My mom's view on giving cash, which I find very interesting, is that she gets offended because, even though she can go out and buy something she wants theoretically, it just means the person didn't bother going to the store (or at least online!) and picking out a gift. It means they went to the ATM on the way to the wedding/function.
I think these couples who are hoping to make money off people at their wedding to cover their wedding costs are ridiculous! I have noticed a few people doing honeymoon registries lately. I know from a friend that did it that it actually is just cash in their account (i.e. you're not buying them the actual bottle of wine to have on the beach at sunset, you're just giving them $30) but to me, at least you feel like you're buying a gift and that's that.
Yes there are plenty of tacky people out there.
My cousin (male) got married 3 year ago. His fiance at the time, actually put on the wedding invitations to provide monetary gift. I thought that was so tacky. I told my cousin (groom's mom) how I felt about it. She said it was the bride's family. They aren't well off. In fact, they are poor. My cousin and her husband are very well off. She wasn't happy about it either.
MYM
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