Feeling Guilty - Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Feeling Guilty - Need Advice
8
Sat, 12-20-2008 - 4:31pm

I run all the finances in our house, from the bills and the debts to our retirements funds. The past few months I've kept a pulse on everything and we've been able to make some progress and save some money. We still owe a lot, but we're working on it.

I used cash to buy Christmas presents this year -- carried my little envelope around, etc. I purchased everything for family. I gave DH an envelope for the agreed $ we would spend on each other. Of course, he never sticks to it. In the past he could have gotten away with it, but with me watching our balances like a hawk, he doesn't have a chance. When he said today that he needed to get some cash out, I balked. Told him that he had his envelope, we had agreed (okay, I had set the limit) on gifts to each other this year (since we need NOTHING) and I couldn't believe it, blah, blah, blah. He left the house with DS and I felt terrible. Felt like a Mom reprimanding her teenager. We have the extra $$ this month, so that wasn't even an issue. Ever wish you could go back and erase a conversation?!

DH works very hard, doesn't spend much at all on himself, and has tried to keep his mouth shut while I've been a crazy, obsessed, budgeting freak. I feel bad he asked for a little more, when I know all he was trying to do was do something nice for me.

I feel lousy. :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Sat, 12-20-2008 - 4:40pm

I do this as well, and have done it many times in the past. One time, when we were newly married and had gotten oursleves into a lot of debt and had no money, my new DH stopped at the gas station and bought me flowers. He came home and gave them to me and I flipped out! "How could you spend money on flower when you know we can't even buy food...blah blah blah". I swear to you he's never gotten me flowers since, and that was 6 years ago! Later on I tried to explain that I have this thing with flowers. If you're going to get me something, get me something that's going to last awhile and not die....like a plant or a card with your heartfelt words on it. But I must have really made an impression because he doesn't get me those things either.


This year we're not even buying anything for each other and we didn't last year either. It gets pretty depressing after awhile. So I guess I don't have any advice for you, just know that we all do it. When we start getting obsessed with money, it's hard to know when to stop.


Abbie


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2008
Sat, 12-20-2008 - 5:26pm

I think all you can do is apologize. Tell him how sorry you are and let him know you realize that he was trying to do something nice for you. Try next time to have a discussion rather than an argument. My DH and I could really argue a lot about money. But, beyond our weekly "check-in" on money, we don't talk about it much. I know DH thinks I over-think our finances. I don't think he worries about it enough. So, we just hope that we balance each other out!

Tara






Avatar for earnhardt_jr_fan
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 12-20-2008 - 5:41pm

When he comes home apologize. Tell him that you're sorry you didn't mean to bite his head off, but you have set a goal to pay off your debt and you'd really like to stick to it.


One thing though?


Don't fight about money. It won't make you have more of it. It won't eliminate your debt. It won't do anything but cause a HUGE rift between the two of you. Dh and I haven't had an argument about money since the first year of marriage when my grandmother told that to us. She's right. You can be stressed, upset, worried, etc about money but fighting about it with your spouse doesn't change anything. It just causes more stress, worry and hard feelings between the two of you.


I'm the one who plans everything in our family (what is due when, which ck will pay it, how much for groceries, menus, lists, etc). If dh expresses the desire for something, I always rearrange our budget to accomodate it because he rarely asks for anything for himself. And when he does, it's usually something like a case of Monster Energy drinks or something small like that. I just shift things around to make it possible for him to have it.


If you have a little extra this month, let dh have a little extra. It IS Christmas afterall.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Sat, 12-20-2008 - 7:17pm

When you guys are married as long as I have been (working on year 41.) You will do some silly things. I remember our first Valentine's day Raymond went out and got me a dozen roses spent like 29.99 for them. That was high 40 years ago. And I was upset over it because we were really in bad straights but you know I kissed him and said thanks. Then I said something like they cost to much and that was that. Well I still get roses all the time. But now they come from Kroger mostly and cost around 9.99. Never on Valentines day always the day after. tee hee they are half price. I like roses and in the summer

Avatar for earnhardt_jr_fan
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 12-20-2008 - 8:52pm

My husband and I have been together since 1995 and married since 1996. We were very young when we got married (I was 20 and he was 22). We're an unusual couple in that we don't buy each other birthday gifts, anniversary gifts, celebrate Valentine's Day, etc. We do, however, buy each other things on non-special days through the year. I find these little "gifts" to be far more important than a gift given to me on a day when it's expected.


I think it's sweet as can be when he knows I'm almost out of pop and buys me some when he gets out of work. I know he's exhausted from working all night and the last thing he wants to do is stand in line, but he does it because he knows how much my pop means to me --- and he wants me to be happy.

Photobucket
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 10:28am

I'm sure by this time you apologized and told him exactly what you told us. It's over, and you won't do it again.

We've all made mistakes like that. . . as long as your DH is someone who understands you well enough to accept your apology and talk about it, it shouldn't be a problem.

Hope you have a better day today!

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2005
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 1:38pm
oh my god you are not alone on the flowers.

over 40 and tired

Avatar for sullengurl
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Sun, 12-21-2008 - 2:04pm

Well, maybe I'm just a meanie....but I don't think you need to feel bad about it. He is the one who agreed with you that the money in the envelope was all that was going to be spent.


It's more about respect.


I deal with this all the time with dh. Yeah, maybe it's Christmas. Yeah, maybe it's a birthday. Yeah, maybe he only spends a little here, a little there. But it's about respect. If he wants to spend more, then he can be an adult and come to me and we can talk it over and come to a mutual agreement that we both respect. I'm like,