Nice gesture but......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Nice gesture but......
9
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 12:09pm

This is going to sound like a lame problem to you guys but here goes:


My DH is very generous. He's a sweetheart and always thinks of others. He knows about our debt and isn't a crazy spender but.....................


He is constantly buying me magazines. Each week he will buy me FIRST and Woman's Day. These are "ok" magazines to me but not my favorites. I have TOLD him this (nicely) yet he keeps doing it. To him its only "a few bucks" and even when I point out that those few bucks add up he tells me most women would love to have a guy buy them stuff and then he gets defensive. I tell him I don't NEED that stuff but I do appreciate the gesture.


Today he calls me from Kmart (they are going out of business by us) to tell me he got me two magazines (see above mag titles) and he found a book he thinks I might like. I am an avid reader AND a huge supporter of our library. I told him to write down the title and maybe I'd get it from the library one of these days. He said it was on sale and maybe he should just buy it. I told him he got me four books for xmas I haven't even read! (I have two little kids and where I used to read a paperback in one weekend it now takes me 2 months.) I told him to NOT buy the book.


Ladies, I fully expect to come home to two new magazines and a new book.


I know most women would love to have their DH think of them and bring them home a gift but my DH is driving me nuts about this.


He already told me he found something to buy me for Valentine's day. And we said NO gifts.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 12:44pm

Aww he just is showing you how much he loves you, but you are not hearing it in the way you want to.




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 12:46pm

Not so lamo Beeps. I am experiencing the same thing right now and I think it leads to bigger mistakes down the road. Let me explain. The purpose of a budget is to have expenses laid out in each line. If you buy extra things, the budget manager(usually us ladies) has to pull money from another bill line to make up the difference. This is stressful! It might mean not paying a bill on time, or you cannot snow flake like you wanted to or fund the efund? Even if it is only a few dollars, it is not planned and has to be made up somewhere. And this is only a small example. I know some times big purchases are made(or a lot of little ones) that are impulse and that messes it up more! It is KIND sabotage I say!!

That being said, My birthday is next month on Feb 13, the day before valentines day. I said no gifts for either. I will likley get two gifts. LOL. Maybe we all need another line on our budgets...secret gift sabotage line. Might be less stressful????

Here is my idea for a cheap valentines day ladies. Make your significant other coupons(to be redeemed when needed by said bf, husband) and give them in a card:(coupon titles)

1. Back massage
2. Dinner with fav meal served on the couch
3. Take kids to the park so he can have a poker after noon with buddies

You get the picture. Make the coupons for whatever he would like and he will be very happy.

Good luck ladies!



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2009
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 1:11pm

BeepsMom,


I am so not a woman who should be giving relationship advice, as I am not married. However, I thought I'd offer it anyway and you can make your own decision.


I must admit, I am the type of woman to sass with retorts like:


"Most women would love..."
"But Honey, I am not most women. Isn't that the reason you love me?"


Of course, this works for me because I say it with a lot of charm ;-) j/k because I get the smile, smile back and get into reasoning and/or the "I statements" about how you feel. I might try a line like "I feel so loved when you do these little gestures for me, but I am not enjoying the actual presents as much as you think I am."


After all, you do want to reward DH for the nice thing, but change the gift, right? You can try telling him that you'd prefer to save the money. If he doesn't get it, you could try slowing changing things by replacing with cheaper and cheaper items: "Magazines are great, but I would rather have a just-because card where you write how much you love me, so I can keep it in my purse and pull it out when I am having a bad day" or "I'd rather you brought us both home coffee so we could snuggle up on the porch with them and talk. I miss that." Eventually start replacing with free gestures that bring back the romance.


In the end, he may never get it. It's not his fault or that you didn't try smartly to change him. I haven't been able to change this in my Dad: I actually am sometimes insulted by how much my Dad buys for me - and worse, on his credit card! I don't need anything (I'm an adult. If I really need a new memory card, I'll save up for it) and it worries me when I find out it went on his CC while he's trying to pay them off. Sometimes it feels like he thinks he needs to buy my love, which is insulting

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 1:35pm
ONe thing Dave Ramsey mentions is to have a BLOW category in your budget - so you don't feel defeated if something just does not fit.



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 2:45pm

From a lady that has been married longer then you guys have been on this earth in most cases.


Don't pick on the little stuff just budget it in the "I don't want to fight about this"and let it go. I know you all can find some money to pay for a couple of magazines in your budget a month. That is what 5.00. Or you can give the man a list of the ones you really like and have him buy you a subscription for your birthday or Valentine Day or something.


Just don't break the man's spirt and his way of saying "thank you honey for doing such a great job with the house and money" Not worth it down the road. because one day you guys will be out of debt and there will be money for such extras. Then his spirit is broken and he will not be bringing home magazines anymore.


Mine brings me home candy when ever he finds it on sale..


Mary Ann


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 3:39pm

My husband used to do something similar until I explained to him that I felt disrespected when he bought me stuff I didn't need or could get from another source (such as the library).

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 4:37pm

So many interesting responses to this post! I'd say what you do with it depends on a few things: Does he buy you this stuff to control you in any way? Does he buy you these things but ignore things that are actually important to you? Does he tell anyone what a great guy he is for doing it? Does he blow lots of money on things for himself that you've told him you can't afford?

If all your answers are "no," then I'd just chalk it up to his being misguided but sweet, and let it go.

My DH isn't one to say "I love you" but he's always *doing* things that he thinks would be nice for me (and usually they are). Here's one that might make you laugh: every year on Good Friday, he spends a fortune on fish and wine, and cooks a big fish dinner (we're Catholic, obviously) - when we should be eating something like lentil soup for dinner. After about 10 years of this, I mentioned that eating crab cakes and swordfish on Good Friday isn't exactly a sacrificial way to commemorate Christ's sacrifice on the cross. To which he replied, "But this is what I DO, and I'm going to keep doing it." I figure my sacrifice is to eat this fancy, expensive meal he's prepared without feeling guilty about it!

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 6:38pm

Hey Beeps,


I wanted to ask if you guys have 'blow' money or an amount that you each get to spend no questions asked?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2008
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 10:03pm

Haha, let me be silly for a moment OK?


At least the magazines aren't Cosmo (10 Things That Will Drive your Man Crazy in Bed) and Glamour (10 Ways to Show your Guy you Love Him)!


I agree with the poster who said you may not speak the same "love languages."