I Can't Afford A Baby. ADVICE PLEASE!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2008
I Can't Afford A Baby. ADVICE PLEASE!!
20
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 3:35pm

As soon as I walked in the house after work yesterday I knew something was wrong. On any "normal" work day nobody greets me or even asks "how was your day", but yesterday not only was I greeted by my wife but she took my coat and escorted me to the table where a delicious looking Vegan meal was waiting. I was almost afraid to ask so I simply kept quite while I ate my meal but my wife broke that silence after a few minutes by telling what I feared most. She told me that she wanted to tell me something about my stepson. As soon as she mentioned his name I knew that what started as a peaceful evening would soon come to an abrupt end.

When I met my wife her son was only 14 years old but, he had been suspended from two different schools and had recently dropped out. His father was a traveling musician who never paid a dime of child support and never bothered to offer him any direction. At that time I thought I could inspire him to overcome his situation by showing him the love and patience of a father/friend. After two years of trying my wife and I finally agreed that no matter what we tried he was intent and determined to follow the wrong crowd and be involved in criminal activities. Now, 15 years later at 30 years old he has never held a honest job for more than a year, he has been arrested several times for multiple offenses and has a 18 month old son whom he has never spent more than a few months with. Yet, he writes a letter to my wife asking us to "Please, raise my son until I get out of prison." Additionally, we got a call from Social Services in West Virginia asking us to accept guardianship of his son because the mother has lost custody due to drug addiction!

So here we are in debt, over 40, with no savings whatsoever and getting ready to bring in a 18 month old baby who needs diapers, daycare, car seats, baby powder and who knows what other expenses. Please forgive me if I don't sound excited or happy but, this not something that I expected or planned to do at 43 years old.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

http://over40overweightindebt.blogspot.com/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2005
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 3:57pm
First, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I was wondering if children's services was involved and they asked you to take guardianship if there were any benefits invovled. I mean will they send you a check to help offset the costs of raising him? If it's only the costs associated with raising him maybe that will help you out. I'm sure it wouldn't be enough to cover everything though. GL with your situation. It sounds difficult. My immediate thought was that maybe children's services would send a stipend monthly or something but again, I don't know how that all works. What about the child's mother?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 4:07pm

Hugs to you and your family.


You need to decide if this is what you WANT to do. As a parent, there is nothing worse then someone raising a child who doesn't want them. I am NOT saying you don't love this child. Just make sure you don't make this child feel like they are a burden on you.


Be prepared that this child might be with you through the age of 18 plus. Even if the father does get out of prison he might go back to his old ways (I pray he straightens out) and he might never be ready to be a parent to this little child.


You need to sit down and have a SERIOUS talk to your wife. DIdn't she threaten to leave you a few months ago over money? This is not a good situation to put yourself in if that is the case. Please don't think I am being harsh - just trying to look at all the avenues here.


Keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2009
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 4:09pm
I know a little bit about how tough this situation is. My parents, who are both 72, have raised one grandchild (21 years old now), helped raise another (12, autistic) and took in my nephew while he was on probation (he's in boot camp now, about to turn 19). My mother had no hesitation doing this, and only regrets that they couldn't take care of my nephew. My father keeps saying that this isn't the life he was planning. The situation causes a lot of stress to both of them. Having watched this, I recommend only taking custody of the child if you both can welcome him with an open heart. The financial aspect is important, but only part of the question. I would make the choice based on the best interest of the child, whether the best is taking him in, or helping to figure out some other option.











iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 4:45pm

This is a very hard situation... I am assuming that a monthly stipend would come from the DHHR in WV as I have known people that have adopted wards of the state and they received money for them each month until the age of 18. The main issue though is that you and your wife need to decide together if this is something you want to take on. It would be incredibly difficult knowing that your grandchild was in foster care, but it would be a horrible life for him/her as well if they felt that you didn't want them and that you regretted taking them in and resented them for something that is not their fault. As for the son, he will probably not change so this would likely be something you would be committing to until this child is 18. I don't know what is going on in regards to you and your wife's marriage, but if it would lead to separation/divorce or even just extreme unhappiness, is that in the best interest of this child? This is a decision you must both agree with.


There are loving foster families out there that are willing to help this child. If you and your wife feel you would not be able to do this with your whole heart then you should not do it. You would most likely

 


Terri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 10:27pm
Think both of you need to explore your feelings on the subject.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2008
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 10:42am

Wow, this is a tough one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 11:47am

What a blessing to the child if you're able to do it! That being said, I think before you make the decision you should find out the answers to a lot of questions, most of which have already been raised in this thread. Will you get a monthly stipend from the state? That could go a long way toward paying for him. What about medical assistance? How long is his father going to be in prison? Is there any chance of getting the father's rights terminated permanently so you could raise him as your own? Is that something you would even want? Are you and your wife prepared to get attached to him and then have to give him back when you know what kind of situation he'll be in?

If your objections are purely financial, I think you could find a way to work it out, but IMO you and your wife have to both really want to do it and be on the same page.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2000
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 7:51pm
Sounds like this little guy is going thru a tough time and needs some one to step up and take care of him. Drugs can be very bad for an unborn child. But not all of them are affected. You just never know. 5 yrs ago last november DH and I took home a 3 month old preemie (born at 28 weeks with multiple medical problems.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 10:00pm

I am going to disagree with many here, but maybe it will be an alternative in thinking.
I would try to have your step-son consider putting the child up for adoption. Yes, it is your wife's grandchild, but will you be able to give this child everything he needs? I am not even talking financially, but the love and physical affection he needs?
There are so many families out there who cannot have children of their own and are on long waiting lists for babies and young children,(I was one for a very long time, then had a miracle child, but could never have another, I never tried to adopt again because of the forecasted 5-6 year wait.)
A close friend of mine adopted three children and they are in the most loving home, you would never in your life know these children were adopted. My cousins were adopted and no one ever knew, they all loved one another, were raised in a wonderful environment with two younger loving parents and all went to college, doing very well in life today, one of whom is home schooling her 5 children today.

Please seriously look at all options and what is truly best for the child.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 11:21pm
It may help to explain the process that's going on.

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