Thank you so much (update on telling DH)
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| Fri, 04-03-2009 - 1:40pm |
the short answer is my debt confessional went as well as could be expected. the catch was he didn't arrive home until almost 11:30 so I felt like a real heel springing it on him so late but I honestly didn't want to put it off one more day.
I did cry and I couldn't look at him when I told him the number -- $43,375 -- but he did the sweetest thing - he held my hand!
He wasn't really mad but he was shocked. and he said he wished he had known sooner because it would have changed some of his behavior. honestly, that is part of it. he is ultra-frugal and his spending is very manageable. I didn't want to penalize him for my careless behavior. Nothing he has bought in the last year is anything we couldn't pay for quickly.
anyway, it was good to tell him because now we can be more aggressive about paying down the debt. and some of her loftier ideas - such as retiling the bathroom floor - are now decidely on the back burner.
I still don't think he gets the fact that I feel overwhelmed by financial responsibility - not so much to this debt but to everything else because of my breadwinner status. Basically, our take home salaries alone come no where near covering our expenses (mortgage, groceries, utilities, one car payment, our tax payment, and the big one - daycare - not even including credit cards) so I have to freelance or we would be in the hole every month. anyway, I can't go there to forcefully at this point but I expect we will be having lots of talks around this.
we were up late, talking and looking at my spreadsheets. I think we will move forward from this okay but I think I won't feel right until we have paid down most of this.
Like others have said, I wish I had told him sooner. But I am also glad I had the chance to tell him myself. It made it a thousand times better and I was really ready, finally.
Thank you for all your support. I honestly could not have done this without you all. You are a real inspiration.
edited to add detail
Edited 4/3/2009 1:58 pm ET by timeoutofmind

Goal #1 $UCCE$$!
Good job putting it out there.
Do you think he would take over doing the finances?
High Five.
The worst is over. Honestly. Once he knows about the debt you have nowhere to move but forward.
Right now juggle what you can and in a month's time or so revisit what is stressing you out again. Your DH and you need to be on the same board not just with money but also with life. If you are doing / taking on too much then its ok to say that to your DH. Even if he can't change things for you (I am a control freak and might be overwhelmed but still have a hard time giving away tasks/responsibilities) but my DH knowing that
Hello
I am I think the oldest one around on this board. I am not the bread winner of the family So I have no idea how that feels. Most of my 41 years of marriage I have been the one that stayed at home and managed the money or the lack of it. Our debt has never been really hidden from my husband he just doesn't take an interest in the money of our family. Several months ago I tried to get him interested but it didn't work His interest lasted maybe a week then it went back to what it had been for the last 40 years. So as long as I am able I will be the one that has the burden of paying the bills on time and having enough left for us to live on and so on. So in that respect I am totally on the same page as you. There have been times recently that I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and scream you do this for a while I am tired of it. But in the end it always falls on my shoulders. And it will be on my shoulders to the day I lay down in bed and die.
The reason I am telling you this is because there may not be that day to day support that you want from your husband. Doesn't mean he is a bad husband. It means
Since you say you're the breadwinner (I assume by that you mean you make more money than he does), have you sat down and calculated how much he actually makes after you deduct the cost of childcare, commuting expenses, work clothes, extra taxes, etc.? It sounds like childcare is your biggest expense. I'm a SAHM and the main reason is because if I got a full time job, I would hardly bring home anything after paying for daycare. Would it be possible for him to stay home with the kids and maybe work part time in the evenings or weekends? That would eliminate your childcare expense. Then when all of your kids are in school full time, he could go back to work full time. It might not be a realistic possibility for your family, but I thought I'd throw it out there in case you hadn't thought of it.
I'm glad to hear the conversation went well and I hope this is the turning point in your financial life. Now that you both have all of the information, you can start working together to get out of this.
Thank you for your very sage words. You are right on target with my husband. He is a great husband but he misses the big picture alot when it comes to how much things really cost - and how much we make. What this leaves me with is a lot of stress around being able to pick up enough freelance work to cover the basics.
I have taken some of the cost cutting measures you suggested over the course of the last year (cell phone plan change was a huge money saver) but I could be a lot better about grocery costs, using coupons, etc. I have read that you should menu plan using the grocery store circular so I tried that this week. my bill was less but only time will tell how consistent that savings is.
I love the idea of breaking down the bills. The only time I use the cards now if for travel. I suspect now my husband will avoid charging anything.
Thank you again.
Thanks for your reply. You raise good points and on paper you are right. my husband's take home plus commuting costs (work clothes aren't an issue - he wears casual clothes and is super-frugal) is actually about the same as what we pay for daycare. sounds like a no-brainer but it isn't. for one thing, during a layoff about five years ago my husband stayed home with our daughter (then age 1 and the only child we had at the time). Both he and she were miserable. Luckily, that layoff was shortlived. He loves his job - he loves our kids too but he isn't cut out to be a SAHD.
For another thing, daycare is really pre-K for our second daughter (age 4) so she would suffer being pulled out at this point. He also the source of our insurance and other benefits which are significantly better than what my company offers.
also, our daycare costs are about to drop dramatically: our oldest will no longer go to after school care as she moves up from a half-day kindergarten class to full day 1st grade. and our second will move up to kindergarten so she will go to after care which is significantly cheaper ($285 per month for after care V $230 per week for pre-K/full daycare). This will leave us with just one child in full day care starting in mid-July.
I make approximately 33K more than my DH in my base salary plus approximately 7K in bonuses. Last year, I made an additional $33K in freelance. This year I expect that number to be significantly less. I also work from home with some flexibility in my hours so I can work early and late so I can take the kids to school, pick them up, and am here for my kindergarten daughter when she returns from school at 4. This is a complete luxury which I appreciate so much and also helps a (little more) balance to our family life.
Thanks again.
Thanks
Lord knows I don't know everything. Just trying to get out of this mess like everyone else is.