Will they ever see it?
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 08-21-2009 - 12:43pm |
I am not looking for a pat on the back. I am looking for ideas.
My previous post regarding money habits from parents has led me to evaluate my own situation with my children.
I know my kids think that my ex is the good guy. He buys them what they want, lets them eat what they like, takes them on vacations, doesn't make them do their homework or brush their teeth(or very little from what I can tell). I know he has bought big things(a boat, a new lawn tractor, exercise equipment, a new iphone, etc etc........this is just the stuff I know about!!) He doesn't make a whole lot more than I do and I know he had the same debt level leaving our situation. He also borrowed money from his parents to start a business that flopped. I don't get it?? I wish i was more like him in the way that it does not bother him, the debt I mean.
All I can take away from this is that I am trying to teach my kids to save their money, have them be responsible in school and make sure I am consistent with chores and the concept of earning money before you spend it. They don't see that I have paid off 30,000 in debt and am trying to build equity in my business by paying down more debt and making it more secure and I don't think it appropriate I tell them??? I just don't think it is going to help. My ex has SUCH a strong personality and I think mine(bad guy!) gets brushed under the rug. I don't know if they will ever appreciate what I(and bf) am trying to do. I fear some very large mistakes are going to be made by my kids when they get older. My ex is almost teaching them to go out and buy what you want when ever you want it just because you want it.
So my kids are probably going to look back and say oh my mom was so stingy and never had anything or bought anything for us. I don't know what it would take to make them see the light. I have talked to my girlfriend about this topic on various occasions and expressed how much it bothers me. She has said maybe what it would take is the companies he is buying these things from to come to his house and take them away. Because that is what happens when you can't make your payments. Or worse, if he is taking equity out of the house and still charging the bank would take the house from him. This might be a good lesson for the ex(although he is really good at robbing Peter to pay Paul,I think he does it through his home line of credit), that would be really traumatic for the kids. I tried get him to see his spending problems and it never worked, and I wasn't strong enough to make him change his ways thus it was one of the reasons I left. I read something the other day(I think it was from a site recommendation on here by Stacy maybe, Simple Dollar). "I put my own immediate wants in front of my family’s long term needs." And this, I feel is exactly what he is doing! It frustrates me so much. Are they going to have to take care of him in retirement? What if his house does get taken? Is he going to come up with the money to help them through school like he said he was going to?
This is my plan and I am looking for other ways to shed the light that I am a good role model and the things I do are not to be mean but to give knowledge and help them through life.(my boys are 12 and 9) I am going to save 10 grand each for them for college. My ex has said he will do the same(I will believe it when I see it, but he may very well come through??). I know it may not be the whole amount depending on what they decide to do but I need to think about my retirement after that obligation is met. I do plan to do a budget with them for when they live on their own and tell them to update it when things change, car, house, marriage, baby etc. I have already told them credit cards are evil LOL.
Do you guys have any other suggestions? I am having a hard day with this. I am worried and frustrated. Siggghhhhh.



I was just thinking the same thing this morning.
Our son is 15 and entering his Junior year of high school, so our perspective on teaching may be a bit different.
Like you guys, I am divorced as well.
Yes my plan is to help with school, not fully fund it. This is one of the reasons why they need to learn about money so we can put student loan repayment into one of the budget categories.
I will need to concentrate on my house, land and retirement after I have helped with a start for school. I don't believe I could do more than that for the my boys for school and still meet all my goals. I do save currently for myself in the way that I am building equity in my store. I will sell it one day, invest some money for retirement and pay down some of my land or house with the rest. Time will tell, but that is the plan.
I don't know at what ages to tell the kids what? And I don't especially want to tell them I had 30,000 in personal debt because I buried my head in the sand their dad didn't pay taxes or gst for two years. I guess I could phrase it in the way that when I bought the store from your dad, it took me awhile to get it going the way I wanted it? I don't know. See? Still need input ladies!
I don't know how old your kids are but you could be honest with them if you think that they will understand. Tell them what you are trying to do for yourself and for them. No matter what you do in later years it may come back on you. It has me and my husband big time and for me at the worst time of my life.
I was like you in raising my son. I was the NO mom while my mother went in debt to buy him things I could not afford to buy him behind my back. Like a 500.00 watch. When she died I found out that she was over 8,000.00 in debt. Most of that she spent on Meds for herself and my son. Thank God I never signed on any of the cards So I did not have to pay off the debt.
We never had a lot when he was growing up in material things. But he always had a clean roof over his head, a little spending money, no real rules but he never really needed
My Dad always had a lot more money than my mom when I was growing up. When I was about that age (9ish) I really felt the lure of news toys and going places on vacation. I know I put my mom through a lot (asking to go live with Dad, etc).
I think the best you can do is to keep on what you are doing. Your kids WILL figure it out in the long run. When you talk to them about money and being responsible - leave him out of it. Dont badmouth or try to explain to your kids what he is doing wrong. Teach them what you want them to know. It may be confusing for them now - why Dad doesnt have to worry about money when mom does - but they will understand by the time they are adults. Your kids will learn the lesson - perhaps even from the mistakes their Dad is making (because if he keeps on the way he is, it will catch up to him eventually). Like, for example, when you have some money for them to go to college and he doesnt.
Make your Stick Figure Family at FreeFlashToys.com
Make a pregnancy ticker
Do we have the same ex?
~Jackie, BookCrossing Member & Warming Families Volunteer
<Yes. They will see it.
Bex -