Conflict
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| Tue, 09-01-2009 - 3:37am |
I don't know, I guess I am venting, or asking for some advice. LONG
I adore my Dh, it is a second marriage for both of us and we moved into his smaller home a couple years ago each with our one child to make a family of 4 and two dogs. Kids get along great, (we have full custody of both) we are doing well at our jobs and everyone is healthy. Did I say I adore him? He is smart and loving and wonderful.
I work full time a s Marketing Director, DH is in IT for a large and stable firm and is doing well there there. I also teach as an adjunct professor at least one night a week, more if I can get it. Lately it has been more like 3 weekday nights. Then every weekend we go up to his cabin on a lake (small old cabin, that needs work) three hours away.
When we got married we combined more debt than assets. We both had spouses that took us for all we had because basically they were and are lazy. I took the house in my case that lost all equity, as well as my business which dried up and the credit card debt. My DH pays no child support. All told I was $81k in debt with everything from CCs to student loans when I moved in with DH to his much smaller rural home.
DH has a mortgage and HEL that probably exceeds what the house is worth (houses have just plummeted in Michigan.) He also had a truck loan and a CC of $20k. All told we were over $100k in unsecured debt and mortgages of $1400 a month. But we have made progress this year.
He has been paying all the household bills (as he did before we arrived) and paying a bit over minimums on his debts. I give him $400 a month toward cell phones and utilities. I also give him $500 in winter for taxes and $1000 now for property taxes. I buy about half our food, the perishables, and he goes to Costco for meat and such about every 6 weeks. I pay for my own car insurance, gas as well as the kids fees and allowances. By putting everything else toward debt, I have paid off almost $16k, together almost $20k, along with paying $3k this year to federal taxes for 2008 and car repairs around $3k. With my two jobs, and when I work at least 2 nights a week, we make about $150k combined, best we have ever done, best I have ever done even alone. But we live on a shoestring budget, very tight, no clothes or any extras, packed lunches, no meals out etc. We also increased withholding to make sure we put enough in for taxes.
Well he does not like a 9-5 type job and wants to spend more time up north in the summer at his paid-for small cabin. He dreams of his own company where he can call the shots or do something like working contract again, remote in IT, but basically having more time to do what he wants on his own terms.
I came up with an idea for a web based business a couple years ago. I have written the business plans, and many other documents. I outlined how it should go, and he made several attempts with various entities in getting it started on the web, but he is not a web designer, he is at a higher level of software development. Before we moved in, he made a lot more money as a contractor, paid less in taxes, and put about $3k into developing the online company, basically trying to learn web development so he could do that part of it, while I did the business and marketing part. We got nowhere with the $3k, except him deciding he did not want to do mundane web development.
Last year I found a web design firm that could do it as we were getting no where. He put up more money, they messed around for months and by May we were still not up and have paid them $10k.
I presented the concept to a local business incubator and they took us on as one of 30 companies this year as they saw promise in the business plan and concept. The supposedly support us with business mentors and we get a mailbox there for $95 a month. We have not seen a lot of support for the fees paid, as they have most of their staff available during the day and we work during the day at other places. But we are hoping they will help upon launch in getting clients for us.
The developers apologized for not getting the site up, and revamped their office, now saying they can get it up for another $10k. Dh has been on top of them and they are making good progress. I have the business plan in place, logos, and marketing plan ready.
I booked us at a trade show in September to unveil the site, almost a year after we were supposed to launch. We are a major sponsor of the trade show, I am doing a seminar and will have a booth, cost $1500, we paid $1000 so far. It is a local show that is perfect to launch at and will give us good opportunities for press and clients.
Issue is that Dh needs more money for the web development again. He took out another CC for $13k, and put that all in and needs another $4k from me. I am giving him $1k for taxes this month as well as $2k to the business, but I do not have more unless I really pare back debt repayment to minimums as I have this month, through the end of the year. He wants me to do that, as he is doing it. My checking account now has a balance of -$131 an I have $4 in my wallet from DH giving me a $20 for milk and getting change, yet giving DD money for gas this week. I was hit hard with BTS costs this month as well as my registrations and car insurances.
When the business is up, I will also have a lot to do with it, in addition to my full time and part-time jobs and it won't make money for a while, if not over a year. But my part time job will probably go to one day a week by mid-October.
It was my concept and my dream to do this business a few years ago and this three years to launch has been full of painful lessons that DH does not know what he is doing sometimes in managing people or in web based IT , but DH wants it to do well so he can bail on his 9-5 job. I have to admit he has done much better in the last three months after he completed some executive coaching I helped pay for. He is supposedly learning a new development language by watching what the developers do in the process and studying it at night when I am working my second job. He has done better and that firm has made great strides this month. They say they can get it done in time for the trade show and if DH stays on them I think they can.
I just want to be able to pay off debt and work one job, or my dream of 4 days a week. I see paying off my debts as a way to get there, then I can pay of Dh's all while kids are in college and I am paying the next couple years. Then we can go north or wherever we want. His goal is to have our own company and be able to come and go as we please (ummm, anyone had a company before?) within 2 years.
The kids (teens) are not working, yet always want/need money. Yet, they don't help much around the house as they are in sports, at the other parent's home or up north with grandparents. So I am working theses two jobs, running north on weekends and come home to a house I don't have time to clean or organize.
I wanted to sell some stock in the company, or to get a corporate loan instead, but DH wants to bootstrap this on our own. (It is an S Corp with stock.)
Oh, and did I say I will need part-time sales help in different areas of the country when this launches (think extra income from wherever you are sitting ladies.)
I don't know, it is so hard to have the mindset to pay off debt, then throw money after a dream, all while the carpet needs to be replaced, you are working 60+ hours a week, trying to see the kids upcoming games and don't even have time to go BTS shopping with them.
And DH wondered why I broke down in tears this weekend when he determined we would stay up north an extra day, on Monday, today. He did devote 30 minutes to looking at the budget for the business, but he would rather hike in the woods or take a pontoon ride.
I am just scared of not paying down debt, has the quest to be debt free made me loose sight of our dreams? My DD is in her senior year and I never get to see her it seems. Dh gets upset when I work 3 nights on my second job (where I have received accolades for teaching) because he can't see me, yet he wants me to put more money into the business.
Maybe it is just PMS?
-Marie



Hi Marie,
I don't have much advice as I am struggling with this too (though not to the same extreme). I need to find a happy balance. To me, paying of debt means freedom. The freedom to do what I want and not have to worry about anyone coming after me. To bf, debt is annoying, and he would like it gone, but he works at a much slower pace then I do and won't sacrifice "living".
Bex -
Marie,
I think you are frustrated because you have several goals, paying down debt, having your own company, more time with kids and do other things, etc. The paying down debt part is easier (not exactly the right word, but please bear with me) because it is a clearly defined goal, and you see results every time the bill shows up smaller, the ticker moves down.
The other goal, having your own company, is not as clearly defined (because I still sense some conflict in your writing), and it is also not entirely under your control. You depend on your DH, web developers, and others to do their job and they do not always do it the way, or in the time frame you need.
I am not in your shoes. The first thing that strikes me is I wouldn't give the web developers another dime until they get you something that works. You already gave them $10,000. Even if their work is worth $20,000, it is not unreasonable to do a 50% upfront, 50% at the time the product is delivered. And perhaps you could re-visit the contract or whatever paperwork you have with them to make sure everyone understands your expectation?
The second thing is perhaps more a a timing issue. It seems like everything just hit all at once (life does that to you). I know you have a very detailed spreadsheet with spending plan down to the dollar. Do you have something that projects out five, or ten years? Maybe you get so bogged down with the tree (the two dollars here and there) and you can't see the forest? Yes, I know every penny counts, and no, I am not saying not to pay down debt, but could you juggle the numbers to see perhaps it may take an extra 12 months to pay off debt, and extra 6 months to launch your company, etc. Another thing to keep in mind is what would be the projected income/additional income from your company? In other words, you may not be able to snowflake as much for X number of months while investing in your company, but once it takes off, you will be able to trigger an avalanche and pay off in record speed? If you have not done so, it may help to put the numbers down (even projected or estimated numbers) on paper, and sit down with DH to make sure that everyone is on the same page, literally speaking?
Take a deep breathe.
Edited 9/1/2009 9:55 am ET by marie_1229
Bex -
Thanks for your thoughts, I knew I could count on this board for support.
Wow - what an inciteful post and I think you hit all the nails on the head.
Yes, I can see my debt goals clearly and the business is more of an unknown even though I have done the research, continue to see the need and have constant positive feedback from all professionals and non-professionals whom I have unveiled it to.
I think everyone's American dream is to run/own their own business.
Norma
"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus
Hi Marie,
Of course the past affects us. And does anyone really have a good EX? Probably not, that is why they are an EX. It sounds like you and I took it to the nth degree though with focus on the debt in our new lives. It can be(and is) all consuming. It is frustrating to alter the numbers for any reason unless they go into a more positive position. That is all you talking!(and me) That is not a bad thing. It should be about you too, after all it is your life. I said that to a girlfriend when I got divorced "Its about me now"
I have thought about this a lot, believe me a lot! How much do I give to a man again? I love my bf a lot. It may lead to marriage. But I will not sacrifice my goals or mortgage my future(or my kids) anymore for anyone. I know this business is your dream too. But put a number on it please. I don't want you to lose more of yourself if this doesn't work. I am not saying you would but that is how I would feel. My ex had one business venture after another and just one more purchase and another and lets go on vacation and buy this to make us happy. You have the correct education to know that not all businesses work. I stress about my business all the time and it has been running for 5 years now. I know it could fail.(I will do my best to make sure it won't and I'm sure you would too but things happen that are not always in our control as you have recently found out about the web part) In fact you know more businesses fail than soar(or everyone would do it). I hope your business works but don't gamble it all. I would be very upset to see my strong Marie a puddle on the floor. Run the numbers again! Decide what you are comfortable losing(because it is a risky gamble).
Sign me up for that PMS melt down group. Jeezzzz, I didn't have enough tissues in the house this month for how much I cried and how much I was stressing about needing to get away.
Someone told me one time that "women can have it all but not all at once". There is some merit to that.
I wish you luck in your decision but it is just that. Give your self another week or so to sleep on it.
Marie,
My husband, who does web design as his side business, says that he's a bit concerned with the time frame this design firm is working under, as well as the expense of it.
I would say the same to someone building a normal eCommerce site and have done extensive