I don't think you are off the mark at all. I think it is wrong for any person to depend on another, even if they are family. In my case, it is the opposite. My mother does a lot for me. She's always taking me out to lunch and giving me grocery money because she knows I can't afford it. But I always try to tell her that I don't need her to give me money or take me out. She always replies...Well, you're going to take care of me when I'm older so you can pay me back then. She has made it very clear that she doesn't want to be in a nursing home (She works in a nursing home). Does your mother know about your debt problems? Does she think that you're rich? I can't imagine anyone trying to make you feel bad because you can't afford broadway tickets! I don't think she's treating you very well by making you feel badly that you can't afford to give your mother special treatment. All of us have to come to the realization that we are responsible for ourselves and our dependants. You and your kids are your most important priority.
Your points are exactly what I learned from watching Suze Orman on Oprah. I don't think she could possibly imagine spending $6000 for every $3000 made. I know having much less poses its own set of difficulties, but I don't know what would make her happy - if I didn't eat, if I didn't have any clothing for work, if I was as miserable as she is? This has been eating at me for years and I feel so lucky to have found this board. Normally I would delve into my savings account to give her $400, but now I know that I need to be more aware of every single penny I spend. I really did not want this to affect our relationship, but maybe it is best that I don't reach out to her until she comes to that realization. My husband thinks that it may be a cultural issue. I am Hispanic and he thinks that there is more of an expectation that the child will take care of the parent. I know that is the message that she gets from her family and friends and I feel like she resents me and hates me for it. Why she would talk about a Broadway show is beyond me. I did look into it, but realized that at 60-70 dollars a ticket (discounted) I just would not be able to afford it. As it is, I only have $200 to get me through to my next paycheck in two weeks. I don't shop, I don't get manicures, I have been wearing the same shoes for two years, my husband and I have curbed our dining patterns and now only eat out once per week. I feel like I am getting control of this ugly situation finally. I will have all of my credit card debt paid off by March of next year, and my loans by May of 2011 if I can stick by my plan. We are hoping to be able to afford a home or condo in a nicer school district within the next several years and I really need to be able to put money away. The thing is, my mom is a renter and she doesn't understand it. She sees the 10 grand I have in savings as a tremendous fortune, but that doesn't come near the savings that I will need to buy a new home or even to support us if my husband or I lose our job. Sorry for the long rambling post - I guess I have a lot to get out all at once.
Honestly it shouldn't matter if you have $10K or $100K in savings - its YOUR savings and someone else (parent or not) can't "assume" you will or can support them.
You said your mother is only 55 and still working. Why can't SHE provide things for herself? I understand taking her to a dinner for her b-day or such but one can't expect someone will just treat them to a broadway show or even a show at the theatre.
If you were raised a certain way or its a cultural thing - then its time the buck stops with you.
YOUR family - husband and new baby to be are the ones that you need to focus on now. You need to be thinking of your family now and you can't be gulited into providing for your mom when she is fully capable of providing for herself.
Thanks for the offer - I actually have a great excel budget which is set up through the next two years. I have the dates when I expect everything to be paid off as well as savings. I obsess over it actually, but I've paid off a lot already. As far as "teaching" my mom about the younger generation...I am dealing with an irrational woman who was not educated past middle school and has many other issues. I just need to learn to be ok with my decisions.
Your points are exactly what I learned from watching Suze Orman on Oprah. I don't think she could possibly imagine spending $6000 for every $3000 made. I know having much less poses its own set of difficulties, but I don't know what would make her happy - if I didn't eat, if I didn't have any clothing for work, if I was as miserable as she is?
This has been eating at me for years and I feel so lucky to have found this board. Normally I would delve into my savings account to give her $400, but now I know that I need to be more aware of every single penny I spend. I really did not want this to affect our relationship, but maybe it is best that I don't reach out to her until she comes to that realization.
My husband thinks that it may be a cultural issue. I am Hispanic and he thinks that there is more of an expectation that the child will take care of the parent. I know that is the message that she gets from her family and friends and I feel like she resents me and hates me for it.
Why she would talk about a Broadway show is beyond me. I did look into it, but realized that at 60-70 dollars a ticket (discounted) I just would not be able to afford it. As it is, I only have $200 to get me through to my next paycheck in two weeks. I don't shop, I don't get manicures, I have been wearing the same shoes for two years, my husband and I have curbed our dining patterns and now only eat out once per week.
I feel like I am getting control of this ugly situation finally. I will have all of my credit card debt paid off by March of next year, and my loans by May of 2011 if I can stick by my plan. We are hoping to be able to afford a home or condo in a nicer school district within the next several years and I really need to be able to put money away. The thing is, my mom is a renter and she doesn't understand it. She sees the 10 grand I have in savings as a tremendous fortune, but that doesn't come near the savings that I will need to buy a new home or even to support us if my husband or I lose our job.
Sorry for the long rambling post - I guess I have a lot to get out all at once.
Hugs to you. What a difficult issue.
Honestly it shouldn't matter if you have $10K or $100K in savings - its YOUR savings and someone else (parent or not) can't "assume" you will or can support them.
You said your mother is only 55 and still working. Why can't SHE provide things for herself? I understand taking her to a dinner for her b-day or such but one can't expect someone will just treat them to a broadway show or even a show at the theatre.
If you were raised a certain way or its a cultural thing - then its time the buck stops with you.
YOUR family - husband and new baby to be are the ones that you need to focus on now. You need to be thinking of your family now and you can't be gulited into providing for your mom when she is fully capable of providing for herself.
Hi & Welcome CC:
Norma
"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus
Thanks so much for the support everyone.
Yes, my mother works.
Maybe it's just the really bad mood I'm in this afternoon, but my first thought is you should stop paying for her cell phone.
Mary Jo
CountingCents -
Your mother is seeing things through her own reality, not yours.
As far as "teaching" my mom about the younger generation...I am dealing with an irrational woman who was not educated past middle school and has many other issues. I just need to learn to be ok with my decisions.
what I am going to write you can take what you want from it or like everyone else on the board consider me the old crazy lady..
Hi there,
I am in a similar situation.
Bex -