Panicing and ready for a heart attack
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| Wed, 09-16-2009 - 10:59am |
Sorry if this seems overly panicing but right now I am.
Checking- -$209
Savings $-0
We are in the process of refinancing on our balloon mortgage. DH wants us to cash out to pay off $30k on HELOC and $13k on his cards. New mortgage payment $1,666
If we didn't have that, our balance on our mortgage would be $172k. Trying to get quotes on a rate and payment. But then we would have to still pay the $30k HELOC, his $13k cards and my $14k cards.
We have an 8 mo old son. My husband gives me $300 a week for bills but $260 is for the sitter. I pay all other bills from my check--mortgage, groceries, baby food, utilities, etc. I am left with zero within 3 days.
I consulted debt consolidation and they said because I earn a lot and our debt isn't "that bad" I"m not qualified. I'm also not qualified to file bankrupcy.
My husband refuses to get a second job because he feels it won't be worth the minimum wage. Me getting a second job puts me in a higher tax bracket (I'm already in a high one).
My parents and best friend say divorce him thinking that will solve everything. But I consulted a lawyer and this is what would happen:
I would have to split the house 50/50 and move into an apt. Apts are almost same as our mortgage ($900). I rather own something than give it away.
Profits from selling would probably be $10k between us if that. I have $14k in debt.
I would have to split time from seeing my son.
Since he makes so little and I earn way more, he would only have to give 20% support and he probably couldn't make that. I would only get $175 a week. I get $300 now. Plus he could go after my $25k in a 401k and claim I would have to support him!
In short, divorce is not a financially prudent option.
I just don't know what to do. I was thinking of telling my parents the bind we're in but they know most of it and just think forcing him to get a second job would be the answer. You can't force anyone to do anything. Plus he would quit in a matter of months. I was thinking of asking them for the $30 loan and pay them back rather than increasing our mortgage (auto payments to them). But they feel that the $30k was to pay off HIS cards and a little of mine, why should they pay off his debt. I agree.
I just feel like we are a fine hair close to being homeless and I just don't know what to do. If I lost my job, we WOULD be homeless. My husband just doesn't get it. He feels his business will 'save us' all. He has no benefits, he rides on mine.
I don't know what to do. We have 10 days to decide on the refi--cash out or not.

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I'm a little confused by your original post.
For the HELOC, parents, car clarification:
I have a $30k HELOC I took out 7 years ago. I've only been able to pay minimum payments for 7 years. The ONLY way we can pay off that HELOC (which is secured debt) is to roll it into the mortgage. For $200 more in mortgage payments the HELOC is spread out and paid off in 30 years (along with the house). We both agreed $200 more in a mortgage is better than struggling to pay off this HELOC. We couldn't pay if off before the baby (it would have been $500 a month) we sure can't do it now. I know--stupid but it is what it is.
My original thought was perhaps ask my parents to pay it off and then pay them back each month. But they've helped me all my life and quite frankly hate my husband for getting me into it in the first place and not doing one extra thing to help us out. It's always been me who foots the bill.
My car is paid off so I have an extra $323. However, my goal was to put that money aside each month so I can build up a savings for a down payment in the future on a car. I know that I have $13k debt to pay off. However, if I pay off the credit car debt over time, how and when will I have money for the next car down payment? I plan on keeping my car as long as possible (hopefully 5 years) but it does have 85k miles on it. I'm hoping buying an 04 Nissan and treating it well (preventative maintenance, etc) will make this car last.
I think more and more a lot of our money problems are two fold:
1. he doesn't make a lot and has a really bad attitude about his work. While it's his business, you would think that him partnering with people and not getting paid at all here and there would make him go "hmmm I better get a second job or figure this business out--maybe even dropping partners since I'm giving 50% to them". I mean seriously, who sticks with a business where you don't get paid!?!
2. I have obviously a huge issue with budgeting. I guess I don't know how really. I see it as "it's grocery time, make a list, bring coupons, try to get the things on sale, pay with debit card, and we're done." I don't sit down and REALLY figure out "ok I have $150 to spend on groceries for 2 weeks. What do I buy?" And for me the 2 unnecessary killers of spending are when I park at work ($14 a pop) because of bad weather or I missed the train and buying lunches at work ($6-10 a day). For me, lunches are super hard. I'm the type of person who is a really picky eater. I've had it up to here with frozen dinners (which really aren't that expensive), I never can plan what I would want to eat because I hate leftovers. I did much better when I worked at a place that had a stove. I brought bread, cheese, butter, cereal, milk, and pasta and cooked grilled cheese or pasta and occassionally had cereal for lunch--daily. Now the only thing I can think of is mac and cheese or peanut butter. That's it. I HATE sandwiches (lunchmeat).
I know. Stupid, childish, and I need to get over my very OCD eating habits.
A zero budget sounds like a good idea and thank you marketingvirgo for doing mine. I might have questions still.
The guilty factor for me is that there are many families earning equal to our checks and they can do it with money aside in the end. I really just don't know what's wrong with me that I cna't do it. Every check is GONE in 3 days on bills.
I have to go grocery shopping this weekend and buy a gift for my best friend's baby shower (she paid for my baby shower; but she also has a lot of money). I need to figure out how to do it.
I think the biggest thing is that your house expenses are too high for your income.
Thanks for the clarification on the HELOC, car, and parents.
Thank you everyone (esp Marie for the zero debt budget sheet) for this and listening. I"m at a serious crossroads here with everything. A lot of it does go on my DH's shoulders as a significant contributor to this problem. But it also boils down to this marriage isn't a partnership. I honestly have zero clue what I'm doing as an adult and for me to be responsible for everything from earning more (and making sure I keep this job at all costs), taking care of our child (as in researching everything on what to do from sleep to food to child rearment), to figuring out a budget on separate incomes, to going to therapy alone, to doing the shopping, taking care of 4 animals, to laundry and other chores---it's too much. I'm starting to feel more and more like I'm a single parent who is 19 and clueless.
I have so many goals and "this needs fixing" that it's literally swirling. I feel like I"m going to collapse and I feel like I'm the only person doing the work. On top of it all I hit roadblock after roadblock and everything turns into a debate and argument when I try to discuss how I feel. If I tell him I"m panicing out money he says I make mountains out of molehills. If I tell him we are not earning enough he says the refi solves all. If I tell him I'm broke after 3 days he tells me I don't know how to manage money (not saying he's 100% wrong). If I tell him we have no retirment and we're 40 what the @#$# are we going to do, I get silence (because he thinks my parents inheritance will solve all).
I feel like I"m a mother to a 8 mont old, 4 animals, and a 37 year old.
The problem is if I go it alone--I'm doing it alone again without the argument.
I'm lost. But I'm also miserable.
No words of wisdom for you other than to say I am very sorry you are going through this but you will get through this.
I know you try to talk to him. I can tell you have tried. Does he know you are close to snapping and leaving him? I believe you need some kind of commitment out of your DH with a time frame. ex: I need you to go to therapy with me next week, I need you get your business looked at financially by next month, I need time to myself to relax tonight(YOU take the baby), I need you to get involved in our finances on the weekend. If he made some commitments would you feel better that some effort is being put forth and not so alone?
Possibly. It's hard to say since I've never seen him follow through. I need to see success and moving forward too. It's one thing to go to counceling and just sit there but not to change actions and see improvement. So my requirements are high. :)
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