Feeling Lonely Tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Feeling Lonely Tonight
18
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 10:56pm

I have one, very small group of good girlfriends. I can count them on one hand. We rarely get together, rarely talk, rarely even email so sometimes it feels like I have a non-existant group of close girlfriends. I guess everyone's lives are busy. And my life has been busy for a lot longer than theirs. They all just started having their kids and I have an 11 year old. So back in the days when they would go out and have a good time, I had a little child to think about. Surprisingly, none of them are from highschool either. I have long since separated from my highschool friends. I don't know why because they were good friends. One that was practically like a sister, but the relationship has been severed. We are just too different now. My current friends are the wives of my husband's highschool friends and that always makes me wonder what would happen to them if anything ever happened to my husband and I.

Anyway, There's one thing that happened to me that I will always regret and I was reminded of it today. I spent one semester in college. I made these fantastic friends. The type of friends that you knew would just last a lifetime. I had just started getting to know them and then...I got pregnant. I left college and started 'real' life. Got a job, went to night school, had a baby, got married. So young! Today on Facebook, I saw a bunch of pictures of all of them getting together. They had a reunion and it just made me sad looking at them because I'm sure they've forgotten the girl that spent a few months with them and then caused a lot of drama and disappeared. But I will never forget about them. It always makes me sad to think about that time in my life. It was so hard. So hard! Letting all your dreams go, changing your dreams, I guess. And now I have 3 beautiful children and a husband that works so hard but I miss the girlfriends. I miss the relationships that I didn't have time to build. How do you build strong relationships as adults? Especially when everyone already has their own lives and no one has time for anything anymore.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 10:00am

Abbie -


You just have to be happy in your own skin.




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 10:52am

Not having a car is a challenge. I could go to library time with my 2 year old, but it's so hard to get there and I've never taken the bus so I'm kind of scared of it! I have this huge stroller (A jogging kind) and if I'm going to take the bus and go into the city then I want to have a comfortable stroller to walk around with but I called the bus company and they said my stroller has to be folded behind a seat. I don't think mine will fold. I want to try it out but then I'm afraid that I'll get on the bus and my stroller won't fit and I'll have to get off the bus! I guess I could try it out with an umbrella stroller first. Then I can get a good look at how big the seats are.

But I am totally right there with you. Finances do make it really hard to not only find friends, but stick with friends and do things with friends! With how the economy is right now, you'd think it would be easy to have friends that are in the same situation, but all of my friends are much wealthier than I am. And they are smart wealthy to with lots of savings! I guess we have to think outside the box when it comes to having relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 11:01am

Hi,

I'm sorry you are lonely. You know we all love you right???!!

I agree with PPs. You have to have something for just you. So why not kill two birds with one stone and join a group to get out of the house one night a week and make some new friends. It doesn't have to be hard to make friends and I know it would not be hard for you because of your personality. Then once you meet someone. Have them over for coffee. It doesn't have to be expensive either. Or better yet, find a walking buddy as I know you have trying to do more exercise. That would be perfect.

I am finding right now it is the opposite for me and I feel guilty I can't go out with my friends right now because of finances(working) and raising kids. I don't get to see my sister often enough either. The whole balance thing kills me some days.

I am guessing if you make even a small effort here you will get reward 10 fold. Go for it.

Good luck!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 11:51am

Abbie -


Can I ask why you live where you do?




Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 12:01pm
Abi, your post struck me because like you, I had one child early, got pregnant just out of high school and just about all of my friends went off to college, and they all were too busy out having fun while I was working part time, going to community college, and raising a child.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 12:08pm

We bought this condo in the height of the housing boom. We looked for regular homes in the 185K range, but found that they were all extreme fixer uppers and we knew we wouldn't be able to afford to fix something. So we found this condo in a cheaper town. The area that all of our friends live in was more expensive by about 10K per house so we went a half hour north and found this place, which was newly remodeled and sold for 167.3K. We got a great interest rate at 6.125 and we put 15 thousand into the down payment and the closing costs. That was part of my inheritance from my grandmother. At that time we only had 2 kids and one was very young. We thought we'd live here for no longer than 5 years and really didn't have another kid on our minds at all! So here we are, 5 years later. Our credit SUCKS! And our condo is only worth about 150K if we're lucky. There are 13 units in our building for sale at the moment and nobody wants to buy a condo anymore. A few years ago, we briefly talked about trying for a girl and that very month I got pregnant which was pretty surprising because it has never been that easy for me. I tried for 6 months to get pregnant with my second so I thought I'd have more time to think about it.

Now we have 3 kids (all boys!) in a 2 bedroom apartment. We can't sell it, we can't rent it for what we pay every month. If we could sell it, we'd lose that money we put in and who knows what kind of rate we'd get on something else with our bad credit?!

My plan is to spend the next couple of years re-establishing my credit (It is currently in the 'fair' category) and saving as much money as I can because I will most likely need a new down payment since I may not get money back from this condo. Another idea I've had is to re-finance this place so I can have a lower mortgage payment and then perhaps rent this in the future. We currently pay about 1621 a month with the condo fee (which they will be raising in a few months) and there's no way I could rent it for that. I saw a posting in my building of someone trying to rent their 2 bedroom for $900. CHEAP!

I've also thought in the past of just selling this for what we owe, losing the money and renting something. But we'd need a 3 bedroom place which is hard to find and they usually rent around here for 1200-1300 so why not just keep on paying my mortgage which is helping my credit and just live in my crappy situation until I'm in a better place financially and can get out of it. It's sad that my kids are growing up without a place to play although we have many parks within walking distance and they are at their grandparents house a few times a week, which has a yard and a play area and a pool. So that's where we are at. Anyone have a suggestion I haven't thought of?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-1998
Fri, 10-16-2009 - 6:31pm
Abby
I would suggest that you join a service club in your area. They do lots of good works and you get to meet up with people and socialize and have fun. I did this several years ago when I was feeling as you do now. I joined the local Kinette Club (a ladies only service club in Canada) and I made some great friends there that I still keep in contact with today.
Sharon




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-1999
Sun, 10-18-2009 - 12:42pm

Dear Abigail,


Since you fund them on Facebook, why not take a chance and send them an email to say hello and wish them well?

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