How do I reach him w/out judging?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
How do I reach him w/out judging?
2
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 8:10pm

HI all:

I am new here. I will try to keep my story as brief as possible.

I have been married for about a year. We are both divorced, in our forties with kids from those other marriages. I have stellar credit and history with finances. My new H (and all was disclosed to me before our M), has a bankruptcy and a more checkered history.

We had a prenup, have no joint credit. He is still in "rebuilding: mode and I respect that.

We had many, many talks about the dynamic of my having more money, and at this phase of our life, happily paying for more because that's appropriate.

I told him I want to be as supportive as possible. But that the one thing is I need to see that he is being uber-responsible in this new phase of his life. Just as I am. So that I can feel safe.

Well, today I saw a $10 overdue bill for his business. He said, "I'm going to put a check in the mail. You know a $10 statement just went into the "later" pile." WHAT???

Sorry, I am far from flawless, and know that I am weirdly strict about bills. money etc.

But, HOW can he still be saying things like that??? He is rebuilding his credit???

I want to approach this topic, but need to hear from someone who's been on the other side, what is the best way for me to go about it without seeming like I am "You F'd Up. " Or, "Wow, I am perfect and you aren't."

There are other small issues, but boy I am alarmed that there are any, other issues like this.

This is big stuff. I have been talking for 6 months about his writing the "rebuttal" (if you will) in his credit file about a few of the things of his report. Has not happened. And I know employers have the right to see this stuff.

Ideas?

G

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 8:41am

Hey! First of all, welcome to the board! I read your post last night and it struck me that there really isn't a gentle way to tell your husband that his financial abilities stink! I think it is something that you really have to come to realize on your own. It's like weightloss. You can have your whole family and all of your friends talking to you about how you need to lose weight, but until you make that decision for yourself, you will never do it. My father was always bad with finances. My parents went through bankruptcy and years and years of pain and stuggle. My mom finally divorced him and now she has tons of money in the bank and he still struggles with credit card debt and paying the bills on time. In his defense, he works for himself in the construction business, but plenty of people in the construction world can make their businesses work, why can't he?

I would say that if your husband has been doing relatively well all these years and this is just his first instance of irresponsibility, maybe you shouldn't be so hard on him. If you're like me and my marriage, I could talk my husband to death and he probably wouldn't retain a word I said to him. It's like talking to a wall! Maybe just say to him that the late fee he accumulated on that bill could have been used for something much more fun and what a waste.

Another thing that just came to me. My husband stinks at managing money. When we first got married, I wanted to 'teach' him how to be financially savvy so I decided to give him a couple bills to pay out of his account. All he needed to do was send in the bill ontime. Guess what! Those bills were continuously late, then I left him to go on vacation with my mom and when I got back, he had spent our rent money and gone to the bank to get a $2000 dollar loan without consulting me!!! I was furious when I found out! Right then I decided that sometimes you just can't teach a person to be responsible and rather than give myself heartache, I took over all the bills myself. My husband doesn't know what bills we have, how I pay them or when. If I died, he'd be in big trouble. But basically I gave up on trying to get him to do the right thing. I realized it was impossible because he just doesn't care.

I hope you can come to a peaceful place with your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Sat, 11-21-2009 - 5:11pm

HI Abbie:

Thanks for the response. Basically, I am hoping to be realistic about what can and can't be changed about my H.

Bottom line, I wouldn't trade him for anything, and his glaring "negative" is the financial thing.But he has many, many wonderful qualities that money can't buy (corny but true).

That said, , we have essentially got me in charge of almost all bills. I like that, and he seems fine with it. I guess I was hoping that he would be beyond responsible with the bills he does have. But again, it is what it is and I'm probably not changing anytime soon either.

Thanks for answering. I actually feel alot better than the night I posted.

Happy T giving.